I hate my home and I feel so stuck (Long rant & TW)
I need to dump everything out of my chest but there's so many different topics that I think that I have to post it here. (Sorry that it's a long one)
So first off the basement where I live at is going through ***. The pipe busted in the basement causing flooding down there, the hot water heater doesn't work so I don't have any hot water to bathe with, the sump pump doesn't work so the water doesn't go anywhere but back on the floor when I try to get it sucked up and now starting the day before yesterday because of all the water accumulating down stairs the heater stopped working so I have no heat on top of it being the negatives outside. All of this happened within the span of a few months because my mom wouldn't call a plumber for the busted pipe because it's "too much money" but instead blame this all on my late dad because he didn't update the basement when he was well enough to do so. (My dad had stage 4 lung cancer and passed away almost 5 years ago)
I understand that my household is low income because my mom is on SSDI for BPD, PTSD, anxiety & depression and plus I don't have a job (for context: I tried to get jobs in my area but nobody would hire me and I'm assuming it's because I'm autistic.) but I'm pretty sure that calling a plumber to just fix a pipe burst would cost way less than to fix all of the stuff that's happening downstairs right now.
Since she's not doing anything about the problem I had to put matters in my own hands (as usual since she doesn't contribute to the household unless it's paying the bills) I emailed multiple plumbers in my area to get quotes but the plumbers won't come here without my mom's consent first since she's the homeowner but she doesn't want to talk to them. The plumbers did tell me that if the price costs a certain amount that they would put us in a financial program I tried to tell my mom that but she wouldn't listen to me on that.
Yesterday I had a call with my therapist and I told her everything that was happening in the basement and she gave me a case worker to help me and my mom stay warm during these cold days and to try and help us with our financial struggles but my mom got mad at me and started to yell at me that if the case worker comes to the house they would view her as the caregiver of me and would take me away because they'll think she's making me live in a poor living condition. The thing is I'm not a minor anymore so I'd doubt the case worker would take me away unless I consent to go. It's also ironic that she said they'll view 'her' as my caregiver even though I do everything for her down to making her food and drinks (the only thing she doesn't make me do for her is bathe her thank goodness) even though she knows how to cook, get drinks, do chores, & clean herself and I've seen her do it multiple times.
Also years back when my dad passed away and all this didn't happen yet my older sister suggested that she could take over the homeownership for my mom so my mom wouldn't have to burden with the house financials and her husband could fix up the house for her since they're financially stable enough to do so but my mom yelled at my sister that my sister would kick her out of the house and make her homeless to spite her then keep the house for herself and her husband. My mom has always had a grudge on my sister ever since I was young because my sister used to do drugs and steal from my mom but my sister has been sober for years and tried to apologize her many times and tried to make it up to her a lot by giving my mom money for everything she stole from her but my mom never accepted her apology but it's hypocritical because when I was a very young child my mom used to shoplift and she also did drugs but expects everyone to support her because she's also 'sober' (she's not sober she uses my sister's money for marijuana and cigarettes)
My mom would start arguments with me through my life on and off multiple times over many things big and small and most of the time it doesn't go anywhere but when I was a teenager it did become physical twice and I had to go to juvenile once because I called the cops on her and my mom was playing the victim and the cops believed her over me because she told them I was having a severe autistic meltdown even though she was the aggressor and I was defending myself but they didn't seem to care to hear my end of the story so the second time she went physical I just let her and didn't call anyone because I didn't want the same instance of me going to juvenile to happen.
All of this current and past made me (and still does) want to leave and I tried to move with my sister but my mom found out and went ballistic and started to yell at me that she would disown me, say I would be dead in her eyes, she called me bad names (including slurs) and then wished death on my sister so I would be alone and have nobody to go to. If I tried to move in with my girlfriend she probably would've done the same thing I said above this and plus try to prevent me from my seeing my girlfriend ever again like she does to me with my sister.
I've told a listener all this (not naming them to respect their privacy) and they did suggest for me to leave since she's interfering with my life as a young adult but I feel so obligated to stay with her because my dad's dying wish was for us to take care of each other (even though I'm the one taking care of her) and plus if I did actually leave her siblings down in Texas won't take her in because they say how toxic of a person she is and also family on my dad's side don't like her either so they won't take her in either I also don't want to leave my dog behind because that wouldn't be right on him because I doubt she would take care of him properly or she would probably dump him or sell him for money for more cigarettes and weed. I don't really have a good plan right now since I don't have a source of transportation, my state ID expired so I wouldn't be able to try to find a job at the moment (if anyone would hire me that is which I doubt) & I barely have any money in my name because my mom takes my money and she also someway finds my money stashing places. If I tried to move in with my girlfriend or my sister my mom would most likely figure it out and bring me back and start threatening me again. For real I don't know what to do.
@KaiUwU2002
It sounds like you are in a really bad situation, and that you're being emotionally abused. It also sounds like things cannot continue for you as they currently are. Your mom needs to know that chronic dampness can lead to black mold, which can lead to very serious illness, especially for someone who smokes.
You are correct, because you are not a minor, no one can force you to leave. However, it's entirely possible that once a caseworker sees your living conditions, they might help you find somewhere else to stay.
Your mom sounds pretty impossible to deal with. I'm sorry that you been living in such a physically and emotionally toxic environment. Actually she reminds me of my mom, who was a total expert at using what I call "emotional blackmail." It's a way of exerting emotional control over another person. And when it happens with a parent, it usually involves manipulation with guilt and triggering of "authority" that in reality, no longer exists.
My mom would follow me around, screaming, cussing and cursing. She was relentless! She also did absolutely nothing around the house. I moved out when I was 15.
I came to realize that all the screaming and shaming, and exhaustive religion-based threats, could simply be regarded as noise, just unpleasant soundwaves, and I could walk right through them and experienced no ill effect. Realizing that she had no actual power except what it took to emit noise, a great deal of my anger towards her faded.
Later, when I became a nurse, I was already prepared to remain calm in the presence of agitated and even combative dementia patients. So in that sense, my mom was actually helpful to me.
Your dad wanted you and your mom to take care of each other. Your dad probably did not anticipate how the relationship between you and your mom would turn out. I suspect that your dad had a decent sense of fairness. What would he suggest that you do now?
My mom's attitude really never changed. With all of her bad behavior, she would never admit to having done anything wrong. Instead, she felt that whatever she did was always someone else's fault.
Despite that, our relationship improved. After being away for six months, I started making short visits to her. As soon as she started acting out, I would leave. She finally got the idea that if she wanted me around for any length of time, she'd have to start behaving better, and she did. I suspect that if you did move out, and began making such limited visits, her behavior towards you might also improve.
Be assured, no one is going to kidnap you and drag you back to your mom's house!
If you do decide to leave, I think you might need the assistance of a caseworker. Your money would need to be moved to an account that your mom does not have access to. You need your state ID. You need to figure out the actual logistics of moving.
Can a friend or relative take care of your dog?
@Spiritriver
Whenever I get the ability to I think I probably will get assistance of a caseworker since right now isn't the best time for me to. I would need to renew my state ID and find a job first to try and grow some income before I ever think of finding a place of my own yet. I could possibly try to stay at a family member's house temporarily. (I don't have any real life friends that's not my girlfriend sadly)
As for my dog I don't know on how that would work out as he is afraid of men. I adopted my dog a year back and the shelter worker assumed he was abused by a man so he's only been with me and my mom since (I'm afab btw)
@KaiUwU2002
Might the case worker be able to help you with acquiring the state ID, and perhaps help with organization and planning for your next steps?
@Spiritriver
I'm not for certain since I've never did anything like this before but I hope so
The best approach right now is to make a plan and to be patient and to make sure you’re safe. If you can stand to stay there a little bit longer until you can get with a caseworker, that’s probably a good idea. But that means you need to protect yourself emotionally and physically, which means you probably need to be in different rooms than your mother is at the moment. You don’t need to explain it to her or tell her what you’re going to do. Stay as calm as you can and be kind to yourself until there’s an option for you to make some forward progress. I’m really proud of you for speaking up in this forum. And spiritriver, too!
You’re smart. You’re capable. You care. These are qualities that will see you through into the next chapter.
I am going to try to stay a little bit longer because I don't really have a choice in the matter right now. I've been going in separate rooms away from my mom for years even though my therapist says it's unhealthy because I'm isolating myself though I prefer being by myself most of the time.
It'll be a little bit hard to not explain to her because she wants to know where im going whenever I leave and she also rarely ever leaves the house so she will know if I'm going somewhere or not.
Hiya. I'm so sorry to read you're living in such an unsettling and unhealthy environment. No one deserves this. You deserve a healthy and loving atmosphere. And so does your lovely dog!
I am not in a place to suggest anything to you. But if it helps to relate, I'm slightly in a similar situation with my mum..she's not easy to live with. I have depression and living with her makes everything worse. Like banging my head against the wall. She doesn't listen doesn't care. And I grew up with a lot of domestic abuse so I understand your situation.
I had to move back with my parents recently after a 2 year break, and I'm already losing my mind. After a recent incident with my mum saying things beyond my imagination, I have decided to leave home soon. But I don't have a job or money to do so. So I decided to find local/international volunteering opportunities that offer stay and food in exchange of your time and effort. It's called workaway and I hope it helps you in some way or maybe you can look at it, if you find travel and volunteering interesting or maybe an escape like me.
Sorry if I wasn't of much help. I thought I'll share what I'm trying to do to leave home. Maybe it'll help you. It's not easy living with toxic people. It's even harder to leave them. But pls know this - you do not owe toxic ppl anything, whoever they might be.
I hope you find love, light, and relief from all this negativity. Sending love x
I think that I'm going to look into that workaway stuff it sounds interesting for some sort of experience for a true job. Though how am I going to be able to do that since I don't have a car?
Also I'm so sorry that you had to go through that experience with your mom and especially that you had to go back to such a toxic environment. I hope things get better for you to.
Hiya! I don't think all volunteering opportunity would require you to travel everyday. Most of them offer stay on site. But now that you've mentioned it, I'm wondering the same because I don't even drive. I don't think it should be a problem tbh but u can ask them when you apply. I'm gonna do the same:)
Take care!
Hi Kai,
I suggest you keep holding yourself together.
Start believing that your situation will improve and praying !
If you go to church , please speak to a priest or religious for a confession or counsel for your mum and yourself on the situation. Things should improve.
I'm sorry if this sounds rude but I don't think praying is going to make my living situation and my mom's behavior magically improve.
