I’m Close To a Breakdown…

****TW****

Idk how to even start this post.

I guess it’s just gonna be a brain dump…

I’ve been trying to do too much all at once. This morning I did too many things around the house. They needed doing. But I could have done one last night…

Multiple people keep telling me I need to rest. I’m so incredibly burnt out…I stare off into space a lot; my brain seems to go on power saving mode.

I’m constantly “on”… On alert, on call, the one people go to constantly, the one who gives and gives and gives. My days off aren’t days off. I get so little time to myself, so little silence, that I can’t think straight.

It’s so loud in my mind. Not in a weird sort of way. The thoughts, the constant need to be productive, even the streaming mental “radio” of random songs that constantly plays even when I’m not aware of it, like background music. My thoughts are never still. It feels like a cacophony, a rousing noise of bees, but made up of words and feelings and guilt and pressure.

I’m not crazy. I have ADD and autism and more. I hope people understand what I’m trying to convey.

My carpal tunnel is begging me to take a break. I don’t know how. If I rest, it means I won’t be serving others. If I don’t use my hand, I can’t use my computer, my phone, my art supplies. All I’ll have left is… reading. Movies. Idk what else to do.

I don’t even leave the house really, except for work and running errands. Idk how to have fun anymore. Idk what I used to do for fun when I was younger. All I can think of is thrift shopping and such. Who was I before????

I’m not who I once was. I’m a shell of my past self. Rotting. Broken. Loving people who, for the most part, couldn’t care less about me. Fawning, racing to give to those who think less of me than their other friends. Who might not even think of me as a friend.

Idk what else to do. If no 7Cups, if no drawing, then what? Where will my support, my lifeline, be? Who will love on people if I don’t? What would I even do with my time? Stare at the wall?

Who is Kiara? The real Kiara? Where did she go? She’s been gone for years… The PTSD and the burnout and the overwork has broken her. The shell that’s left is empty. Shattered. Destroyed.

And what hurts is… No one sees it. No one hears me scream into the void. Silently. Achingly.

Kiara… The online version, and the REAL, IRL Kiara- is the perfect, obedient, smart, beautiful, amazing girl who knows and does everything right. Kiara doesn’t have mental illnesses. Kiara’s got everything going on. She’s strong and perfect and, she’s got it all.

And that makes me want to puke.