I'm just exhausted of everything, man
I just couldn't handle being harassed and constantly criticized over the last year. And months after, I lost my confidence and trust because of that, I know I was clumsy, and I would have been more careful and mindful of what I was doing. I know I should have improved on my self-esteem, but it's still extremely low like always. I know I should have been less socially anxious and more communicative and charismatic, and I'm sorry about this for everything. I even tried to build friendships, be heard by anyone and get new friends, and what did I get? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. This is totally unfair, I'm completely broken and now, I can't even find any hope for what I want... I don't even have any online friends as much as I used to
Like, you know how much buttload of anger, bitterness and sorrow I am carrying? I am often being rejected and ghosted by society. I'm unlovable, invisible, replacable, disposable and also a burden to anyone at this point....
The more raw emotions I show anywhere else, like mental health spaces (specifically vent channels) in the app ***, my desire for connection fades away even more because I didn't get much support as I wanted, or be heard. It makes me want to suffer in silence even more, so that I can't vent somewhere else and also make new friends or talk to anyone after the countless amounts of betrayal I ever faced. Like, just *** that nevertheless, I experience too much emotional outbursts, frustration and resentment lately... Solitude is my new friend and can help, but Loneliness just made me suffer much further after I left that previous community where I was constantly criticized, harassed and gaslit, and I'm exhausted of that as well. I just wish that I could be a better person where I could be more confident, careful of others and also sociable, but no, I really feel that this *** will never *** happen man. That's all I could ever talk about this, I'm tired of hiding this all alone.
@hermess785 I understand having difficulty with self esteem and friendships, I've been going through that as well. I'm sorry you've been treated so badly on other sites. I have times in which I also feel alone. Somehow seeing animals helped me feel better, very specifically stray cats.
@peacefulpurple08 Oh, sites? Communities more likely. Also thanks for your support, I genuinely appreciate you for it, and I'm really sorry for you as well, dude. I can't imagine how painful this is for both you and me. Also for me, I really love cats, they make me happy and want to cuddle them. I have 2 cats here on my house, sooo
@hermess785 cats are amazing. They are calm enough for you to be sad but loving enough to make you feel happy. 💜 I've been looking for friends in places I hadn't before and hopefully soon it'll go well. I think it will.
@peacefulpurple08 and I'm trying to find friends who are understanding and compassionate but it won't seem to happen for me. And I was never asked if people should be friends with me or not, even if they validate me. But I am not forcing that, just am waiting for it
@hermess785 I sure hope you find the right people to be your friends. You definitely deserve it, Hermes. <3
@peacefulpurple08 I hope so but everyone tells me that and unfortunately, it didn't happen so...
And I am too scared to say something like "Do you wanna be friends?", like I fear judgment and rejection alright?
@hermess785 I know what you mean. I can feel when someone's a good person or not though. Occasionally I know I don't like someone.
@hermess785
Chatting on a site is not as easy as talking. We write things of our feelings, but a person is just seeing a glimpse of us. People who respond sometimes miss the mark or say something that perhaps we take not as intended. we cannot eternalize but instead think about it for a moment.
I wrote of something that really bothered me, and someone felt it was silly or not a big thing... I was angry at the response but after time I saw it was trivial and perhaps I could let it go... Often, I find the advice I dislike actually is the most helpful in creating growth. we can fight growth or change, or we can embrace it. Solitude is IMO not the answer.
@toughTiger6481
Understandable, but solitude and loneliness are different terms, solitude is by choice and can help improve, and loneliness is forced and involuntary, and it slowly corrodes me, plus it feels endless
And yeah, one more thing I can tell you is that I've been trying to be heard and connect in disc0rd but people just often didn't tolerate my raw pain, but subtly, not overtly. Like, does it made me feel like that it is my fault?
The intolerance can be either subtle or overt, I meant
@hermess785
I did not mean it is your fault some people especially behind a keyboard are just jerks. we have no control over that. Many people cannot openly offer support or say things because they feel uncomfortable and think something cold stops the conversation. maybe something you shared stuck a nerve. online it is hard to tell.
this is not blaming anyone or assigning fault. when we do that, we are not helping ourselves in connecting or taking any feedback.
@hermess785 I understand you
@hermess785 I hear you 100% you are not alone my friend
In the app d!scord I mean
I know what you mean. Talking to people and connecting can be hard but you are hear seeking connection and thats huge. I wouldn't .
I know how you feel. I have been harassed for years by neighbors and landlords who don’t understand me because I am neurodivergent and I speak up for myself.
One thing that helps me is not believing anyone’s gaslighting. Some people live off causing other people to suffer. That is entirely their problem, not yours.
It helps me to take deep breaths and to meditate
I also have a cat who likes to sit on me and purrs.
Talking to supportive people helps me.
Exercising by taking a walk or whatever activity you enjoy.
I hope some of these ideas are beneficial. You are not alone. Things will get better. 😊
Really liked how you mentioned it's your self esteem. Self esteem, yea. Also, nice contemplations on solitude vs loneliness. I've seen some good notes and posts on loneliness here on 7 Cups.
