I'm just so lost...
Idk what I'm doing anymore. Sometimes I feel as though I'm not really "here". It feels like I'm watching my life go by and not being present. Everyday feels the same, it's just the dull loop played on repeat. Sure there is some parts of my day that's actually good but most of the time it all feels the same. I never know how to explain how I'm feeling because it all seems to complicated and messy to form words. Nothings really "wrong" even but it feels as though something is wrong but idk what it is. It's just this constant ache in my chest that I feel. I constantly say I'm fine even though I'm falling apart inside. Idk why I do it. Maybe it's because I've never had a safe place to open up about how I feel. I completely shut down when trying to talk about how I feel. I've always been met with anger or the feeling like I'm being dismissed whenever I try opening up to people. So I keep things inside because I can't handle being hurt anymore. I've stopped expressing how I feel all together because I don't have a space where I can do that anymore. I've just about given up writing and I barely draw anymore. Those two things used to help so much with expressing how I felt but I just can't bring myself to do them as often anymore. I almost feel... Broken. I'm trying I really am but it just hurts so much. It feels like I've lost myself and that I'm just an empty shell of what I used to be. It's crazy to think I'll be 16 in two months. There has been days where I didn't think I was going to make it to 16, and even now I'm still not so sure. I guess things have somehow gotten both better and worse and stayed the same all at the same time. Idk how things got this out of control but somehow it did. Idk how to fix what's wrong when I don't even know what's wrong to begin with. I sometimes feel like what I'm going through is "basic" like it's just stupid things that shouldn't even be bothering me to begin with. I think that's also part of the reason why I hide how I feel. I guess I also have this way of minimizing what I feel as feel. I'll say it's fine when I know it's not or say that it doesn't matter or it's pointless. Idk why I do it... But I feel like it's also a bit of an automatic thing too, like I'll do it without realizing what I did. I constantly overthink things which doesn't help at all. I just sometimes feel really lonely and scared and just... lost, idk what to do. I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of feeling like this, tired of everything. Idk if any of this makes any sense at all, but I needed to just write this somewhere.
@IzzyGamer
Hiya Izzy, I’m really really glad you shared this here.
I see youu! Truly. What you’re describing makes sense, even if it feels confusing and messy inside your head. That feeling of not being fully here, like you’re watching your life instead of living it, can be so scary and isolating. You’re not imagining it and you’re not broken for feeling this way.
It does seem like you’ve been holding everything in for a very long time because opening up hasn’t felt safe for you. When you’re met with anger or dismissal enough times, your body and mind learn to shut down just to protect you. That’s not a failure, that’s survival. Anyone in your place would have learned to do the same. 💛
The way you described that constant ache in your chest really touched me. It feels like you’re carrying unspoken pain, grief for the parts of yourself you miss, and exhaustion from pretending you’re fine when you’re not. Does that resonate? :(
Losing the energy to write or draw when those were once your outlets hurts so deeply, because it feels like losing pieces of yourself, not just hobbies.
I think ant times our mind annd body feel so exhausted that even things that brought us joy or comfort once don’t appeal the same way.
And I want to gently say this, what you’re feeling is not “basic” or stupid or something you should just get over. Pain doesn’t need a big dramatic reason to be real. Minimizing your feelings sounds like something that became automatic over time, not something you chose. You learned to do it because your feelings weren’t taken seriously before. Or perhaps you were being forced (unknowningly even) to put on that brave “I’m fine” face. Mhmm? (‘:
You’re not an empty shell, even if it feels that way right now. You’re someone who has been hurting quietly for a long time and is just so tired. That doesn’t mean you’ve lost yourself forever. It just means you need softness, patience, and a space where you’re allowed to exist exactly as you are. I’m really glad you chose to write this instead of keeping it all trapped inside. This space is here for you. You don’t have to pretend you’re fine here, and you don’t have to have everything figured out. Turning an age you didn’t really think you’d be seeing, is such a testament of you sticking around and allowing life a chance too. You are allowed to take it one moment at a time okay?
Everything you said? Been there actually and how you’re feeling is super relatable. Offering you lots of safe hugs. 🫂 You’re not alone in this moment, even if it feels like you are. I’m here with youuu, even across these screens. If you ever feel like sharing more, or even just sitting with someone who gets it, you’re welcome to do that here.
And if things ever start to feel too heavy or unsafe, reaching out to a trusted adult or a support line can really help too. (No pressure, and you’re allowed your time and pace always, but it’s just something to remind yourself in moments where you feel the most alone with everything) You deserve support through this, not silence, not invalidation or dismissive words (even your own, especially your own).
Againnnn, so proud of you for trusting this space with something so vulnerable even when you aren’t fully sure of what you’re feeling. It really does matter, and so do *youuu*. 💛
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Thank you, that really means a lot. 🫂
@IzzyGamer
I can feel your heart. Im with you. You dont have to do this alone. Relieved to see you express. Makes me want to be more courageous too. Nothing you say is out of place. Unfortunately some elements of our society emphasize shutting down - I feel like it just reflects how stifled they must be themselves on the inside. Humans are creatures of love. We need to express and engage. You are on the right track in opening up here. 🙂
@Creamyyy
Thank you, I really appreciate it. Im glad I helped you feel maybe a bit more courageous. Thanks for replying to my posts it really means a lot.
