Im struggling horribly🌪️🌊
TW: mentions of abuse,mild physical altercations, mild verbal stuff, and SI (S idealations) Hey, its not good. I think i have reached a mental breakdown. All the symptoms. My mom and i have fought still, physically, verbally, tonight was a bit verbal. I have idealtions times to time. Tho im sorta fine rn just need to vent idek if anyone even cares atp. They ruined me. They have tooken it all from me. I cant eat at times but i do try. I cant sleep sometimes cus i know i wake up stressed, the next day i feel like a burden and i feel tainted like all the trauma took all my purity away. Gone. Its not true but it hurts. I have a therapist. Sometimes i wanna run from her too. Becus i have become rlly sensitive to tones and words seriously. Im not putting this lightly at all. I daydream to escape my reality and its toxic becus it dissosaites me and i loose personlization and reality with me. I go to bed at 3 am and i wake up stressed and depressed. I hate my home, i hate my house, idk which fam member to contact. I am gettibg tired of speaking, i am getting tired of reaching out, i hope jot but yeh, i feel all alone becus i am. I feel weak, like the situation is too bug for me to do anything. I probably need to go to the physician but i cant go alone yet but i have to choose between nosy mom and my horrible father. My ma apologised for the other times but as u can see this happens. I ask alot of apologies yes but then if i wont i still dont win i still feel bad and ruminate. Sometimes i cant speak. At all. I cant. Idk how i will sleep tonight. Its hard i dont feel like surviving another night but i have to i want to be taken by someone to a safer place atp. I did get accepted to a crisis respite finally (im proud of me 💖💖) but its within 2 weeks. Soo 1 more week left? I look back at my life and i question if i ever felt human or safe? Everything i remember is dissosiation nearly…its pains idk if its true or not so i wont go too far. I told my ma if she dont go too family therapy by the end of the month i wont share with her my personal life. Why i should leave to be respected? Idk. My heart hurts from crying. Ive reached a low point. I cant keep doing this. I have a therapist, sometimes her words confuse me and i question if its a warning to leave. She is a trauma therapist, sometimes i view her as a safe person but i feel scsred i dont feel present n she says some weird n i trip iver it n overwhelmn. Why in the world is this happening to me???? Idk..idk….nobody sees ur pain until its rage.
Flip between numb, overwhelmned. It feels liek gravity is pushing u down to the earth. Ik ppl come back up from such messed up places but lord have some mercy atp..sometimes i remember theres ppl with less trauma or nearly none n it pains me. It reminds me of something i never knew of. And it hurts. It hurts like heck. I feel like ive been at war since a 5 yr old. Its painful.i just wanna get what i wanna get idc anymore abt what it takes. But maybe i should care. Absolutely feel distant from everything…everything. I always get told or hinted at that im too much. My mental illness is “too much” , my needs are “too much”, that i need to work on myself meanwhile i have been since 1 yr ago n more and i reach out for helpd when helping myself hasnt worked. Oh to be loved and cared abt truely and have emotional freedom and stability , would feel so free. How will i even survive this idk..i find it hearbreaking that my body literally mimics the situations. I dont get heard, mouth stays closed teeth clenched even when i cry, i shutdown, feel small and trapped, feel empty. Feel done. I am trying n to see everything fall today makes me want to throw a brick thru the wall honestly. Hope my ma gets some sense. Cus istg..
@berrycheesecake90 hey, I'm really sorry you've been going through all this 🙁 I want you to know that you're not a burden. going through all the trauma and loneliness is incredibly difficult... and you don't deserve any of that happen to you 🙁
I also have abusive parents, and i can understand how difficult it must feel to live in such an environment.
You're not tainted, you've been going through a lot, and you've survived a lot, and you're deserving of all the love and support in this world ❤️
I'm glad that you're still reaching out, and seeking support, instead of bottling things inside, that says a lot about your courage 🤍
You're not too much, you're hurting, and your feelings are completely valid ❤️ Please be gentle with yourself during this week, while you're on wait. I'm proud of you that you got accepted by the crisis respite 💖
You're not alone in this, we're here for you, and you truly matter ❤️ I'm sending you tons of love and *Biggg hugs* 🐾💕
Thank you 💖🫂 and im sorry u have such parents aswell,you do matter alot aswell, and thank you so much 💖💖💖💖🥹
@berrycheesecake90 ❤️❤️
@berrycheesecake90
So proud of you for taking action to find a safer place.
Your need for safety and love is beautiful.
You are right, building safety from scratch is not an easy task. For now, what can be one small thing you choose to create consistency for yourself? Could you choose to post on 7cup every Friday? Or spare few minutes each morning to enjoy a warm drink you like (coffe, tea, coco?). There are things we don't have control and there are things we do. You are being so strong looking for what you can change yourself already!
Thank you 💖
Hey , sorry to hear that you are going through this much pain. you are so strong to still fight and seeking for help. That's not easy when everything falling apart.
Just believe in yourself. Lots of love
@berrycheesecake90 The number one reason people develop depression is because they believe they are alone in their suffering. The best piece of advice I can give you right now is to develop a relationship with someone you can trust over time to lean on when you are going through your worst points of sadness and despair and find safety in their comfort. It may take a while but it's worth it to look as long as you need to for that special person. Best of luck and message me if you want to talk about it😊
@berrycheesecake90
we very sorry know it hard can relate we here for you you asked a question in your post just want you know yes people can overcome trauma and become free more at peace but it take hard healing work we proud of your for reaching out
as far a the therapist what you said about at times wanting to run away from her that a common feeling too as when you never been safe had a safe person in your mind you feel like they hurt you too trust issues are common sounds like your having issues with that it ok we even when your able to tell the therapist about the feeling of at times wanting to run away from her we also learned that if we not understand therapist to ask her to repeat in another way say that confused me
we been through many types of abuse and most by family members and their friends we overcame a lot of it now living free of daily abuse we was 47yr old in may 2017 when got free but for us we did not reach out until older but just want you to know it possible to get free and to become more at peace but yes within healing journey that you have already started you will face a lot but slowly you be able to become for at peace
hope you can get out of your parents home and start healing more as it hard to heal when still in abuse your not weak your not a burden at all as your brave and strong for you have shown that in reaching out and not running away from therapist
want you know we very proud of you
hope it ok that we praying for you your not alone here at 7 cups many have deep trauma like you and we here to stand by you through all this and remember your brave
How do i stop this overwhlemn thst feels like its the end snd the SH urges? How do i break the loop
Hey idk if anybody still responds here i dont rlly wanna make a mew thread but its not goin well still
@berrycheesecake90 I'm sorry to hear that ❤️🙁
Do you have access to excercise like walking?
For some of my friends nature a good place for them while theyre scheduling for the day or just going to think for leisure @berrycheesecake90
Wdym by exercise? I can go for a bit of a walk. I do love nature. Its just when i do go back inside it feels so trapful. And if i do go walk i cant go too far since idk how to walk alone nor do ik if thatd be a good idea in this mental state. Ive been trying tho. I feel too vulnerable to walk alone, unfortunately theres all kinds of mean dorks randomly and i fear bein triggered in this high mental state, and also if i go w/ my parents its also triggering…maybe ill see what i can try
@berrycheescake90
Oh, it sounds like something didn’t work with the crisis respite plan. What happened?
Were you able to find a small consistency habit that is within your control?
I dont rlly know
I used to have Ma tell she ily everyday. Now it dont feel the same from her. No one else helps. Youd think other fam would understand trauma and the distance and would be considerate on how theyd help even affrimations, but no its hard to say ILY to ur fam member daily just 1 sentence or when u guys speak, a fam member whos struggling deeply. Crazy how shallow the bond is