I think I might be angry, but I'm not sure what anger really feels like
I wasn't sure what catergorie to say this in tw) loss, self blame, abuse.
My son joshua he's 12 years old and his cross is under the willow tree in the garden. I love my son, but I was the worst mother cause I didn't protect him against our owners. He was born healthy a beautiful little baby. I got to hold him for the rest of the day and all night. Cuddling him to keep him warm. Cause we weren't allowed clothes and a blanket and we were locked in a cage. I can still smell that geougous new baby smell. He had very little hair big blue eyes he was so precious. Then the next day we were both taken to the torture rooms😞 they took his life right in front of me. And I was to scared to say or do anything, but he was scared to. My owners were bad people,I was only 11 years old. And was just scared. So it's not just me to blame, is it? I go out to talk to him everyday, it's my way to apologize and let him know I love him, but it's been so cold out and I've been sick. So I haven't been able to go out and see him much, which I feel very guilty about. So who do I blame me or them. I suppose them but me too, I wish things were different I wish he was here with me this xmas. And now the first time I'm actually blaming them for what they did, to me to joshua, to all the other slaves. I think I feel anger now. And I don't think I like it😞 sorry just needed to vent
@Tinywhisper11
I'm so sorry for whatever you've been through. I just want to say that you're so strong and you're a very beautiful and strong mother. I don't know what else to say.
*Gives you a tight squeeze❤*
@Blahblah1805 gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤❤❤ you don't have to know what to say, it just means alot o know you are all so supportive and are there for me ❤❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
We are always here for you ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
Sooo sorry… you are a mother and Joshua is lucky to have you as his momma. Definitely not your fault and it was beyond your control. 🤗
Joshua is at peace watching over his momma glad to know you are safe and cared for and us there Under the willow tree close to you. ✨✨✨✨✨
Glad you are processing the feelings you need to do that. … Hope it helps you get to a better place.
Sending lots of caring healing vibes across the miles… ✨✨✨✨✨
@SunShineAlwaysGrateful thanks for the good vibes ❤❤ I hope your right, I hope he knows how much I love him, and he forgives me. It's hard to understand all theese feelings and emotions. But I'll get there ❤ dont worry ❤ gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 I am always inspired by your courage and compassion Lola. I'm sure most would agree with me, that you are in no way to blame for Joshua's passing. This is the result of the horrible people who held you captive. I truly hope you can find the answers you're seeking because as others have said emotions can be very difficult to figure out sometimes. But know that if it is anger, it is ok to be angry sometimes, especially given all you've been through. I know anger isn't a great feeling to have, but it's ok to be angry sometimes. It's what you do with that anger that truly matters. And you my friend are doing WONDERFUL things!
I hope you have a happy holiday! If you ever need to chat or vent just @ me and I'm here. ❤️ Sending a festive giant tiny hug if ok ❤️
@VintageDougers gives you a giant festive tiny hug back ❤❤ thankyou for your kindness your so nice to me ❤ I really appreciate it ❤❤ I think venting and having a good cry then a good sleep made the anger go away 🙂 just gets to much sometimes, I'm not good at understanding my feelings and emotions. But I'll get there ❤ merry Christmas to you too ❤
Omg Tiny, this makes me want to cry. I'm sorry you are dealing with all this pain...
It was never your fault.
You were only a child when this happened to you, the others and your dear son.
Those people are pure *** evil.
Their actions are disgusting and downright sinful.
I hate them. I hate what they did to your son. I hate what they did to the others. And I especially HATE what they did to you.
You never deserved to be treated that way.
You deserve a warm, happy, home.
You deserve love, kindness, respect, and support.
You're one of the most amazing people I've encountered.
You're hilarious, fun, intelligent, and overall a sweet and kind person. Your son was lucky to have a beautiful mother like yourself. I'm sure if he could talk to you, he would understand why you're unable to visit him at the moment. Children are understanding of their parents.
If you need to get angry, that is OK. It's better to let it out than bottle it in. I heard a method about writing down upsetting or angry thoughts on an egg and throwing it against a tree to release those thoughts and "smash" them.
Anyhow...
I'm going to give you a virtual big-tiny hug if that's OK. 🫂
@ImpudentIncognito gives you a giant festive tiny hug back ❤❤ thanks for always being so nice to me ❤ that egg thing would have been pretty cool at the time, but I hope I never feel anger again ❤ I just needed to cry it all out. I hope you and your kid will have a great xmas ❤❤ I love you ❤
@Tinywhisper11
Hey Lola ❤️
🫂 you are the best mum and Joshua knows that. I hope you find some peace in knowing that he is in a wonderful place now, full of warmth, love and peace and one day you will be reunited ❤️ (though I think he’s with you all the time ❤️).
You are definitely not to blame. You were still a child when that happened and anyone under those circumstances would have been so scared that they’d have been frozen on the spot.
Please keep sharing and letting it out. All these emotions, such as accepting that we are feeling angry, although makes us feel worst, I think is all part of the healing process… I hope that in time little by little you heal that bit more and can come to terms with feeling at peace ❤️.
Sending you big warm hugs 🫂 ❤️.
@Greentrees2325 huggs you back ❤ thanks for your kind words sweetie ❤❤ it just gets hard sometimes. How is your Xmas going?? I hope you and the kids have a great xmas? If you celebrate. Otherwise I hope you all have a great time in new years. Trick to get the kids asleep before midnight, just change all the clocks in your house😁😁
@Tinywhisper11
I’m so sorry to hear that Lola, hugs 🫂 . I think Christmas especially is a bitter sweet time for a lot of people… for me too. Christmas won’t be the same this year somehow. I’m spending it with my in laws. My mil has caused me a lot of trauma and I have to live with her for now. I’m really missing my mum and brother. But am happy in knowing that they will be together for Xmas ❤️. The kids are excited for xmas though 🎅 😄.
Thank you for asking ❤️ .
lol, that’s a brilliant idea! 😄😄
@Greentrees2325 awww bless you ❤ yeah Xmas can be hard for us all. But still we both have so much to be thankful for. So let's try and make it a good xmas. Keep their memories alive ❤❤ merry Christmas sweetie ❤
@Tinywhisper11
Thank you Lola ❤️ for you encouragement ☺️. Yes, you’re right 🙏🏻. You’re such a positive soul, I bet Joshua will be proud 😇.
Merry Christmas 🎅 🎄 ❤️
I'm extremely sorry for your loss...
see ... you're not the one to blame...it was not your fault...it was their choice and it happened...
He is in better place now...
You're angry because that part of yours has been hurt and that needed to be loved.
Say this to yourself whenever that past memories came
...." I love myself for feeling angry about what happened...as it is part of me... and I love all the parts of me that are unloved and needed to be loved"
This will make the pain less intense and more manageable.
Sending healing through my words 😇
@warmheartedBunny4 thankyou ❤❤ positive affirmations, ok I can try that ❤❤ gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤❤ thanks sweetie, merry Christmas ❤
