I think I might be angry, but I'm not sure what anger really feels like
I wasn't sure what catergorie to say this in tw) loss, self blame, abuse.
My son joshua he's 12 years old and his cross is under the willow tree in the garden. I love my son, but I was the worst mother cause I didn't protect him against our owners. He was born healthy a beautiful little baby. I got to hold him for the rest of the day and all night. Cuddling him to keep him warm. Cause we weren't allowed clothes and a blanket and we were locked in a cage. I can still smell that geougous new baby smell. He had very little hair big blue eyes he was so precious. Then the next day we were both taken to the torture rooms😞 they took his life right in front of me. And I was to scared to say or do anything, but he was scared to. My owners were bad people,I was only 11 years old. And was just scared. So it's not just me to blame, is it? I go out to talk to him everyday, it's my way to apologize and let him know I love him, but it's been so cold out and I've been sick. So I haven't been able to go out and see him much, which I feel very guilty about. So who do I blame me or them. I suppose them but me too, I wish things were different I wish he was here with me this xmas. And now the first time I'm actually blaming them for what they did, to me to joshua, to all the other slaves. I think I feel anger now. And I don't think I like it😞 sorry just needed to vent
@Tinywhisper11, if its just venting it ok . you were in a bad situation all that can be done is to pray for him that he didnt have to suffer like you did.
@Skansly I had 24 owners tw) children were used as slaves.
@Tinywhisper11 hello sweetie, you are very inspiring to me. I didn't know much about this girl spreading love everywhere is such a strong person. i am in very different world as what you've gone through in your previous world. im totally unaware of that so just wanna know about.
@considerateWalker6214 hi I'm in a very different world to my past now too ❤ tw) I was born into a christian cult, but we'll they were not very christian😞. But I'm safe now I was rescued when I was 18. Now I live in a care home, i am safe now ❤ and very lucky to be here, I'm being looked after really well and I'm happy. I have a great life now. Thanks for your kind words ❤❤gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤
@Tinywhisper11 I don't think you should blame yourself at all, you were also a victim. By the way, I was also raised by a "Christian" cult
@AlladinInsane84 was the people in your cult, not very nice either? Are you safe now? You'd be surprised how many cult survivors I've talked to in this site😞 it's very sad. Gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 where is that Cristian cult going?
@considerateWalker6214 America
@Tinywhisper11 I don't know how to get rid of this angry feeling. Shame, blame, anger, tears this is hard
@Tinywhisper11
You were the best mother you could have been and you are most certainly not to blame. You were only 11, you were in an abusive situation where you had no control whatsoever over your own life, much less the life of a newborn.
You may feel some combination of rage, anger, frustration, grief, helplessness, guilt, and probably lots more uncomfortable and very intense emotions. It will take time, time, and more time to work through all that. Go ahead and vent here, you have a lot of support and love in this community.
You are most definitely not at fault and not to blame. You were a victim, and so was Joshua.
💔
@GoingInCircles365 thankyou for your kindness and support ❤❤I'm trying really hard to know what all theese feelings and emotions are, it's just very overwhelming sometimes ❤ I just needed to cry it all out I think. Gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤❤❤ thankyou ❤
@Tinywhisper11
Tiny festive hugs back to you.
You are a sweet, kind-hearted soul.
@Tinywhisper11 Let it out, Tiny. Do whatever you need to release the emotions troubling you. I will say this though-- at only 11 years old, you were absolutely not to blame. You were just a baby with a literally baby. Please don't blame yourself. This guilt of blame is not yours to carry so please release that! Please get that out of your head. Joshua is and always will be your your baby. And I believe one day you will reunite with him. Tiny, you are extraordinary and brave and strong. You are a survivor and survived the unimaginable. I can't imagine how you must feel but I can imagine the loss of your sweet Joshus must hurt more than any physical abuse. I want you to know that I think you are a beautiful person-- inside and out! I hope that one day you are able to find true forgiveness and healing. Your life now is meaning. You are put here for a purpose and your life is valuable. Live and be the best person you can be for both you and him. ♡ I love you. Xoxo.
PS: *bundles Tiny up all nice and cozy and wheels her out to go spend time with baby boy*
@YourCaringConfidant 🙂 ❤ my carers did exactly what you just did ❤ they wrapped me up and have me hot tea and took me out to see joshua, just for half hour🤗 they have been so worried about this virus I've had for a couple of months, they haven't been letting me out much. Yesterday I just needed to cry it all out. Thanks for always being there for me ❤ gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤ I love you ❤
@Tinywhisper11
lola, it's okay to be scared. What you went through was terrible. This probably wont help, but it wasn't your fault, you did nothing wrong. You were a kid. Im so sorry for everything they took from you.
And joshua has a really good mom. You take care of him even though he's in heaven, and one day (hopefully not anytime soon *skeptical glare*) you and him can rest peacefully in heaven.
No one blames you sweetie ❤️❤️❤️
I love you, sending hugs
@AvyIsKing I like the sceptical stare😂😂 that made me giggle 😁❤ and don't worry I plan to live till I'm 4000 years old, so far it's going well😁 I love you too, thankyou for your kind words ❤❤ gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤❤
Anger is horrible. If I get angry I find it the hardest to bear. Sometimes it feels unbearable
Because it's helpless anger. What can you do now?
@Themaninblackxxx I'm not sure if I've ever felt it before. I felt better after a good longgggg cry and a good night sleep ❤ do you get angry alot?
@Tinywhisper11
Yes all the time lol but theres no one to really be angry at, apart from myself, I suppose
@Themaninblackxxx awww I hope your ok ❤ when your feeling angry at yourself let me know ❤ and I'll love you for the both of us, till you feel better again ❤❤ gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤
@Tinywhisper11
lol but this is your thread where people give you hugs and tell you how wonderful you are
If I wanted that I would make my own thread
@Themaninblackxxx fair enough 😁❤ your so wonderful, gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤❤😁😁😁😁
@Tinywhisper11
Sending you so much big comfort hugs, Lola 💜 And lightning up candles for baby Joshua 🕯 It's okay to let it all out now, we got you, 'kay? No one should have endured what you've been through, it's completely understandable that you're feeling all kinds of pained feelings right now. It's okay to feel angry about the injustice you've faced.
Those owners of yours, they're just soo terrible and awful, neither you nor baby Joshua deserves what they've done to both of you. It may be hard to believe right now but please know none of this is your fault. It's clear that you love baby Joshua, and you did what you can in those times. You were just a child yourself facing a situation no one should ever have to face. The blame for what happened lies with those subjected you and baby Joshua to such terrible circumstances.
I'm so sorry for the loss of baby Joshua and the trauma you've endured. Know that you are not defined by the actions of those who hurt you. You're so strong and resilient, and one for most amazingest and bestest person I've met here. More hugs for you 💜
@HachiBee thanks for comforting me ❤ I had a really good cry after writing this then a good sleep, and I feel a bit better today ❤🙂 and yes they don't define me, I will never be like them. I will never hurt anyone or show any thing but kindness towards people. It s s but difficult for me to understand emotions and feelings. And anger, well that's new, and hopefully never feel it again. Merry Christmas sweetie ❤❤ gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
Glad you're feeling a bit better today. I feel you, anger is such an icky feeling, I don't like experiencing it too. Emotions are so complex, it's okay to take your time navigating them. Crying is such great way to let out emotions, that must have been relieving. You're already doing so great with not being like them 💜 Merry Christmas 🎄💜
@Tinywhisper11 *hugs you. I´m so sorry you went through this. It should have never happened. You were a child yourself. You couldn´t have done anything. An 11 years old child has no chance to do anything about adults, and especially not cruel, demons of adults. It is a painful truth, and it breaks my heart to have to tell you. But there is nothing you could have done that would have changed the outcome. Things were out of your control. For the time that you had control, you held him and was an amazing mother despite your extremely young age, being still a child yourself. You gave him all the love you had in the time he was with you. And i´m so so sorry your owners were so cruel. None of what they did is on you. And as terrible as it is to say. There is truly nothing you could have done. They were horrible people. And you have every right to feel anger. It is a very uncomfortable emotion, i know. But the truth is, anger is there to to tell you that what happened wasn´t right. It tells you that someone did something bad that shouldn´t have been done. You have every right to be angry. You weren´t to blame at all. And we are here for you.
@sadcat13 🙂 thanks pretty kitty ❤ it just gets hard sometimes. I think I just needed a goood giant tiny cry. Gives you a huggg ❤ I know your right it's just hard to accept.
and by the way you really should change your user name to pretty kitty ❤
@Tinywhisper11 *hugs you back. Yes. Accepting it must be very hard. And that´s ok. Take all the time you need to grieve. It´s ok to feel the way you do and we are here for you
Nahh. I look like something you would see in a deep sea documentary 😄
@sadcat13 😱😱😱😱😱 a seahorse😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 or a cat fish🤔🤔😱😱
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
@Tinywhisper11 would say a goblin shark sums up my beauty perfectly 😂
@sadcat13 really!?!?? You look like a goblin shark too!?!??!? Yaaaay! We could be identical twins😁🎅
@Tinywhisper11
You don't need to say sorry for it! It's completely ok to vent. You don't have to blame yourself. It's absolutely not your fault. I get it that you feel guilty that you can go out and see him much but only your wish of doing so shows how he is important to you!
Feeling anger is normal and it is completely healthy, even if it's not a great emotion to feel. And if you need to vent more definitely do this! From my personal experience venting helps with anger so you can try. I also try to do art when i feel this big anger it sometimes help to paint or draw, so if you want to you can try this too. I would love to support you more but i am literally dead inside right now so i hope my words provided some comfort to you.
Life can get so so hard but you have me. You can vent to me if you want to or even just talk about whatever topic you'd like. I really wanna try and be a good friend to you, i might not always respond quickly due to my own struggles but i will try my best. You're one of the strongest person i ever met and tbh you are the reason why i didn't give up on life. You give me hope for a better future. I'm sure we can do this!! Lots of big big hugggs to you💗 Stay strong.
Love you bestie💗
@schrodingerscattt your sweet words always comfort me ❤ and you are a great best friend ❤❤gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤❤ we will get through all this pain and hurt, both of us together. I know how hard life is for you right now and I'm so proud, that I can be your friend. And try to help you through it all. ❤ and don't worry about me, I just needed to cry a bit. It helps me alot to picture our cabin in the woods. I'm always here for you ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I love you
@Tinywhisper11
Aww it's so sweet! Your kind words really make me feel better! You're an amazing friend and you're right we can do this together! We are strong! Me too i picture our cabin in the woods! It's comforting! I'm so glad to have you as my friend!💗
@schrodingerscattt best friends ❤❤I like having you as my friend to, you are very inspiring to me, like a superhero ❤❤ huggs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11
Hi. Tbh you're the only reason i'm staying on cups. I got some bad encounters here but whatever. I felt so bad about not being able to talk to you😭 Like i just can't leave you. You're the best person i ever met and it's you who's the superhero to me! Girl, your positive mindset is something else. Give some of it to me😁 I wanted to thank you for everything you've done to me! You're so sweet and kind. So thank you so much to be the best friend i always wanted and needed. You really need an award.
@Tinywhisper11
everything that your owners did was terrible and so so so unacceptable. None of this was your fault, hope you know that Joshua is watching you from heaven and loves you. Big warm hugs. ❤️
@bellsbum19 I really hope he knows I love him ❤❤❤ gives you a giant festive tiny hug back ❤ thankyou sweetie ❤
