Lonley and unsure

@stphnins92

You  have a right to complain.

And expecting support.

You are working two jobs, and doing the cooking and cleaning.

What more does he want.

Don't lose yourself, doing everything for someone who doesn't appreciate it 💚

That’s a truly rough position to be in, I understand your frustration. I don’t know the whole backstory of your situation, but it sounds like you could use a strong support group to hold you up when your boyfriend might not be able to help with. Communication is key in relationships, maybe he’s having trouble slowing down and listening when he needs to, instead of trying to fix everything. It’s tough being the breadwinner in a home, it takes a different level of responsibility and commitment compared with just taking care of a home. Can you talk with him about taking on more responsibility around the house and lighten your burden? Maybe he can get back into school and work on taking a more big picture role in the household by improving himself to bring in more income in the future? Eighteen years is a long time to be together, it sounds like working on your communication will go a long way.

That sucks, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with complaining about something that isn’t in your power to change.

@stphnins92 Hi. I found seven cups because I'm severely depressed and for some reason I ended up reading yours. I know what you're going through I'm 67 years old spent most of my life and abusive relationship and was conditioned to do all the work and not complain. One of the big things was I was not allowed to have any friends because having a friend means a possible way out but I am finally alone so at least I'm not being abused right now but it would be nice to have a friend just a friend. So I guess my first question to you is who said you complain? 

@stphnins92 a quick add-in you are not going to change him especially after all these years

@stphnins92

I told my mom what is the point of being with my father if you don't enjoy anything even a conversation, if he doesn't make your day any better... what kind of relationship is this. I understood my mom was financially dipendent on my father but then I found out it was also emotional... she didn't have any other connection outside of home...any other kind of activity to interract with others in something joyful and social. I understood that isn't healthy so I started taking her to events, getting her to go to group activities...to learn how to use the bus. 

You are already half way there because you have your own job and a mean to travel.

I think what seems to be missing is having other people in your life. People that have meaning. You must seriously start thinking if working for both of you is worth it. If there's a way you could have the time to participate to some external social activity that isn't work related...that you love and that can get you to meet people that have similair passions.

@stphnins92

 It sounds like you have more than enough reasons to be unhappy. Besides that, it's pretty typical that if one part of person's life is difficult and making them unhappy, every other part of their life will seem awful as well. My impression is that you have been in this emotional state for years. It's absolutely heroic that you are still surviving.

Speaking of an 18 year back story, I was in a toxic relationship for 18 years as well. I grew up in a toxic household, so the relationship felt familiar to me, so in a weird way, I felt as though that was the only kind of relationship I had a right to expect.

I am quiet and introverted, so by nature I'm a good listener. I listened to her regularly. She was loud, uninhibited, and complained routinely. She didn't listen to me, and became volatile when I attempted to share my problems. Our relationship didn't start out that way, but that was an established pattern by year two. I lacked confidence. I felt trapped, due to having children and limited finances. I also did not respect myself because she was abusive towards me in the presence of my children, and I didn't fight back.

I felt very alone too. She basically ran my friends off. She did a little bit of housework once or twice a month, and I did it the rest of the time.

I don't feel as though I was stuck in the same way you are, but I think I can relate a bit to the feeling of being stuck. I certainly understand feeling exhausted, depressed, and with self-esteem in the toilet.

One thing I figured out is that feeling stuck is exactly the same as being stuck. If you have $1 million in your pocket, but feel stuck, you most assuredly are stuck. It's like being stuck in a maze. There may be an entrance and exit, but if all you see are the walls, it's understandable to conclude that you are trapped.

I think it's a really good thing that you came here to 7 cups, because like everyone else, you need someone who will listen to you with compassion and without judgment. To experience connection and feel understood is a basic human need. If you can't receive it at home, being here is a decent alternative.

I also feel at that though you have been through enough emotional trauma that if possible, therapy may be helpful.

First off I want to thank everyone for reaching out. This makes me feel good that someone listened. I feel like yesterday was a really bad day. I want to clarify the job part. He has severe anxiety which has led him to not being able to work. This happened several years ago. He went to the counselling and everything but it’s still the same. Mind you it’s slightly better. Before he wouldn’t even go to Walmart. Now he can. Struggles and has an attitude about it but can. He is on government assistance so he does receive some money. But it’s not a lot.

I feel like I’m sticking up for him in some type of way when I tell people this. Most people say it’s not an excuse to not work. And in the back of my mind I agree but then I also see how he struggles.

He also doesn’t control me in having friends or going out. I’m not a very social person so it’s me who chooses to not go out.

I have a few online friends that I talk to but it’s not on a deep emotional level.

I guess my main issue is communication. I feel like I can’t voice my issues or problems without it turning into an argument. If I’m struggling with something and bring it up it always turns into a fight. We’ve talked about this we’ve fought about this but it doesn’t change. And it’s not all things but most things. We never fight about money. All the fights are about both of us not feeling listened to or heard. Mostly me but I knows he’s voiced things too. And I guess maybe I’m guilty of ignoring them. I’m not sure.

About a year and a half ago. I caught him talking to other women on snap. He was buying content from them. Ever since I’ve kinda spiraled and crashed. I’ve done some things since I’m not proud of. I’m definitely not perfect. Most of the fighting started here. We fought before but it got so much worse after this. Why do I stay? Again there’s more to this story. I forgave him because like I said I wasn’t perfect either. But trust is gone. It’s been gone for a long time.

@stphnins92

 First of all I am sorry and you feel sad sometimes.. I don't want that for you.

Second: of course we all have the right to complain and you make an interesting question about the line between complaining and voicing your issues… I feel is only useful when you are trying to find a solution.. other than that complaining will only serve to make you feel bad..

Third. You should make a plan to stabilize your relationship, and for that you need an open and honest communication with your boyfriend, a conversation that should start with expressing the way you feel about each other, and in that way you should remember that you are trying to do your best for the relationship . both of you need give the other one the importance they deserve, and if you find that common ground solutions should be easier to reach

have a hug and good luck! 😊

Ps: And get a better jacket!