Loving two people, losing myself
I never thought I’d be the girl with a secret. But here I am, stuck between the boy I built my life with… and the one who held me when it all fell apart.
I’ve been in a relationship for years. He’s been my best friend, my constant, my home. We had a rough patch some time ago because I cheated on him. I told him the truth. We broke. And somehow… we still found our way back.
But the person I cheated with didn’t just disappear. He was someone I saw almost every day. At first, I thought it was just a mistake. A moment. But we kept seeing each other. And somewhere in the mess, we both caught feelings.
We know there’s no future. There’s too much standing in our way. But that hasn’t stopped the way he hugs me. Kisses my forehead. Asks if I’m really okay.
My boyfriend and I have been long distance for a while now. He thinks I have somehow fixed myself and our relationship. He believes me when I smile. But every night, I’m crying myself to sleep. Living a double life. Slowly losing myself.
Therapy helped with the anxiety, but not the heartbreak. I’ve self-harmed. I’ve lied. I’ve wanted to disappear. And yet—I still wake up, still go to work, still send “I’m fine” texts like clockwork.
Some days I want to tell him everything and just ask him to hold me. Other days, I feel like I don’t even deserve kindness. I don’t know how to choose between comfort and truth. Between safety and silence.
If you’ve ever loved two people at once, you’ll understand: It’s not about sex. It’s about who makes you feel seen. Who makes you feel safe. Who reminds you you’re still human.
I don’t know how this story ends. I just know I’m tired. Tired of lying. Tired of hiding. Tired of hating myself for wanting something that makes me feel alive.
If you’ve read this far—don’t judge me. Just… sit with me for a second. Because I don’t need advice. I don’t need punishment. I just need someone to say:
“I get it. And you’re not a monster.”
@forcefulJar2069
I hear you.
Truly, I do.
You're carrying so much right now love, guilt, longing, confusion, the weight of secrets, and the ache of not knowing how to feel whole again. That’s not small. That’s not easy. And you’ve held it all so quietly, for so long. Let me say this as gently and honestly as I can ....You are not a monster. You are human. Complex, aching, searching, surviving. What you're feeling isn’t black and white it’s messy, layered, deeply personal. You’re not broken for wanting to feel safe, for craving the kind of love that sees you even when you're unraveling. It doesn’t make you weak to have made mistakes. It makes you real. The fact that you’ve made it this far, still waking up, still showing up for life even when your heart feels shattered that’s strength, even if it doesn’t look heroic. Even if it just looks like breathing through the pain. You don’t have to earn softness. You don’t have to punish yourself to prove you're sorry. Right now, you just need room to feel. To grieve. To figure out who you are beyond the weight of both relationships, beyond the pressure to choose, beyond the shame that keeps following you.
So sit here, as long as you need.
No judgment. No fixing. Just someone reminding you
You are not too much.
You are not beyond love.
And you are not alone.
I’m here and I see you.
@forcefulJar2069
Hey you totally are not alone. I do not think your a monster either.
Sometimes a partner is great in many ways but does not or cannot understand what you need.
I met someone and your right is is not about sex it is about a person seeing you.... really listening and supporting and making me feel more myself and alive then my partner ever has. I did not even realize how much I was missing, being supported and lifted up talking to someone. my friend is also missing that in his relationship.
Articles and counseling suggest trying to get a partner to step take over being the person I talk to .....but I have tried but you cannot change someone or recreate or force a connection. listening and support is something he cannot fake. because that is what my partner did for a long time until i found out what real connection was like.
@forcefulJar2069
ur not a monster. we're human and we make mistakes. u are on the right track, u are aware that what ur doing is wrong.
but i'll be honest with u, the longer u stay split between comfort and truth, the more this will eat away at u. at some point, survival mode becomes self-destruction. it may take time and some therapy sessions to figure it out, but in the end u will have to choose a path.
u deserve an anxiety-free life where u can be truthful to urself. it's going to take a lot of courage but i'm confident u will make it through ♥️
@forcefulJar2069 You’re not alone. I don’t judge you—not even a little. You’re carrying more than most people will ever understand, and you're still standing. That takes strength. I hear your pain, and I’m staying right here with you.
@forcefuUar2069 I do get it. I have been there myself. And No you are not a monster-you are a human who has feelings and emotions. Its ok to feel the way you do. Its ok to be confused, heartbroken, and lost. We all get that way during life. But you are not alone! We are all here to support you and listen. If you ever just want to talk privately about it Im always willing to listen.
@forcefulJar2069 It's understandable, and I get it, you are not a monster.
