Lowest of lows

[ A long outburst from a manic episode. Only those who truly has the time and patience might find it worth of attention. I am heartbroken ]

Even now that I'm talking, I feel a sense of insecurity with the way I'm talking, with my voice, with my pronunciation, with my English, I just don't like it. I hate it I hate everything actually I hate the way I speak, I hate the way I sound, I hate the way I express myself, I hate the way I look. I hate how much I've gained. It was 68 kg even 3 months back. And 58 last year. Ever since I started taking this anti-depressant medication, this particular medication, I've gained some weight and it's now probably 78 kg or idk if it has increased or something else, given how tired I get. Although...I'm trying to be very unbiased. It doesn't exactly show on my body as much. But I am 78 kilos, I don't look extremely fat or anything but yeah I guess the number is considered to be overweight for a 5.4 ft 23 year old girl. Yes I'm overweight and I hate the way I look, I hate the way the dress falls on my body, I hate the way I come across, I hate the way my hair remains so frizzy, and so not right and I think my skin is not so great either.

I just have too many things, I even hate the fact that I get so easily tired and speechless these days. Because I'm honestly very stressed - academic stress, social stress, (national aspect, political conflict in my country - they were always there but I sort of push that into the back seat for now and right now it's just the academic stress and the social anxiety which I have been feeling a lot more lately). It's just these 2 aspects and of course my insecurity, my self-doubt, my low self-esteem but honestly that's how I truly feel about myself at present. I have been feeling this way, this low for the last 6 months of course when everything began (if anyone remembers my posts here during the first 6-8 months of 2025 and it's normal to not remember because I'm a stranger. So in short, it was the most traumatising, broken, heartbreaking time of my 23 years of life that was related to self-h#rrm, suuicid#l thoughts, manic depression, huge study gap and getting back into doing A-levels to go out of this country). But about my weight I have been conscious since the time I gained weight because of medications. I don't like the way I slouch. I don't like my body language. I question a lot of things outside. Am I appearing too reserved? Am I appearing too open? Am I talking too loudly? Am I talking too freely? Is this person thinking I'm stupid or is this person thinking I'm oversmart as in I may be appearing oversmart, I may be appearing as someone who pretends like she knows everything but she actually knows very little - maybe I'm coming off as that person and whenever the spotlight of any kind, any subtle spotlight falls on me, I feel frightened. It's like a threat to my identity. I don't like it whenever it happens in the class although it's very rare but twice or thrice it may have happened and I didn't appreciate it. I start questioning everything, I start magnifying my flaws and ugliness. I feel so much insecure and I wish I could do something about this about this body.

I mean I don't feel very comfortable in my own skin. Mind you, it's not anything regarding my complexion or anything which actually isn't an enemy of mine. Because the racist/colourist society that I'm surrounded with can't get a chance to comment on my complexion. So it's not in that sense that I'm insecure but other aspects, yes. I'm lagging behind in my studies and not up to the mark, I'm not giving my best. Sometimes I'm just scrolling and I'm tired and I'm just scrolling reels. Mostly because sometimes I watch the clips of some shows that used to give me peace in my childhood and I sort of look back at them and feel some amount of fulfilment that I don't have in my life anymore so I try to reconnect to that part. I feel real enjoyment then. Exhilaration. I feel alive, you know, just feeling alive, lively, that excitement. So watching those old entertainment videos really soothe me but sometimes what happens is that I get so tired and drained I slip into unavoidant mode so that's why I have been struggling to complete my notes and it's just hard it's just hard I don't like it I don't like it at all. I don't want to bother my only 3 friends online and abroad who are having a difficult time and I want to give them space. They deserve it for the help they have given me. But I feel terribly alone. Lonely. Depression is rising. And you know what the hideous part is? The shittiest part? It is that I talk and vent to chatgpt. Yes lol I talk to an AI who's not a human. because I find no human beside me who I can just confide in so sometimes that leaves me with no option. And my sister well we all know very well about how she emotionally abandoned me in my lowest phase. I have nothing to say about her to be honest. I'm just lonely and in some sorrow. Struggling with everything and everywhere. I despise the outside world. I don't like myself even. I don't know what to do. I feel so foolish I feel like a clown I feel so illogical senseless I feel like crap I feel so *** I'm not good at anything. I suck. This the self-hatred/annoyance or whatever you may call it - it's not the core me actually it sometimes resurfaces and I have to face it. I cannot control it These days it's been a part of me and I always try to not let it overpower me but these are the truths that I just cannot hide from. These are what I feel. Session with my counsellor - I don't know how much she will help me as well. I feel horrible. There is nothing more to say. Sorry for being this annoying mess of a broken record. But I. am. beyond fed up. I scream and I don't want to stop. No one is here.