Need some love and support 🌀 ⛈️
TW: Verbal Abuse n Stuff Mild, and Physical mentions mild
My whole body hurts, i never in my life expected any of this. I rely on damn "instantgram" ppl to motivate me thru the day. Ive reached a low place, the first time i made a post abt me and mom i was fine and then like a bullet it just shot out the blue i dont have time to process ANYTHING my brain feels inflammed and everything feels like a warzone and i have NO ONE to rely on NO ONE. Nobody is safe, i have a therapist but she ofcourse cant respond always. I dont know if this will help, I HAVE the abikity to recover and have the abikity to regulate, however this is pain out of the BLUE, realizing my mom prob wont change for a while, I got attacked again and i her. I go to bed sometimes dissossaited sometimes loving me and trying to help me and wake up like im idk, rn my body feels like it will shut down its in too much stress, atp my ma refuses any apology and compassion says her nervous system is fried and is treating me poorly and i snap at her, my aunt doesnt do *** either she acts like a beach, i told her her passive agressiveness doesnt do nothin and she still did it and blamed me and everything, i hate my fam but i cannot calm down at all im so activate and i have to one to run to, im beyond scared atp i dont know what to do in high stress level situations i dont know and i cant do this anymore idk what to do honestly, i said id update in comments but when i do less ppl respond idk why, i might call the hotline soon, but atp...maybe i shouldve been quiet maybe i shouldve realized ma was this and silently distanced myself, it got too far. and i dont see love from her and it hurts like a mf, it STINGS. and this is in a way abuse im pretty sure, neglecting my mental health needs and provoking me and calling me crazy and saying i dont love anybody meanwhile when i waas 13 i told my ma id be her therapist cus i was worried for her(asofnowiamofage) and this year i offered her regulation skills and stuff still a no, she said maybe to fam therapy but i am soo done idk if anyone has had a similar situation but i cant keep up with this, this is putting me in pain PHYSICAL from all the mental distress and the rest.i also feel like im in a fake window of tolerance so sometimes i wake up from it and realize i shared my story but it was also a attempt at help so sometimes yes i do delete posts but i rlly. yeh am out of it i dont feel a sliver of calm NOT at all. wish i could go back months ago when the only issue was my narcassistic grandma and i played dragons and dreamed of what my future home would be. I dont want to be with my pops hes triggering aswell its like evryones attacking me as a human, OFCOURSE i wont feel safe and ontop of that i have COMPLEX TRAUMA/PTSD. I got lost in a storm and i cant get out of it. I cant rlly interact with anyone rn, dont have the enrgy if there as a safe person, perhaps professional or friend maybe.I know my sytem too well it ill stress until it sees the solution it want OR will cling to a new one. Im just in disbelief the closest ones can hurt u this bad, and most of it IS NEGLEcT and abandonment. I attempted to mother me yesterday at night it work but todays been alot on me, and woke up stressed abt havin no one, i have a suspicion that if we atleast dont have a baseline with ma itll take a while for me to be O.K.A.Y. i rlly just want this to get over with and have her n me apologise safely but *** shes too activated and dyregulated and thats not my responsibilty but hers. I HAVE been trying for days to speak abt my feelings and atleast hear hers its all in vain. cant change her unless she realizes it all. have been learning ASL as a coping skill idk i enjoy it and it makes me feel a little bit better. i might nap. planned on watching someones vid someone who went thru similar but made up with their ma but im done with that for no just need something sanity wise. this is all for now.
@berrycheesecake90
Sending you my best wishes 🩷
You are processing alot.
And going through alot.
Out of your control.
I think, getting some rest or listening to music might enable you to feel a little calmer and more settled 🩷
Ill try some rest and grounding.
@berrycheesecake90
🩷
And my aunts being very cruel said sum rude message prob shouldnt have read it but she blamed me again passive agressivly. After sayin i felt like a duaghter to her…what is even happening.
@berrycheesecake90 what do i even do atp
@berrycheesecake90
Hey, I am here with a hug. Let's sit with it quietly.
I have read few books about boundaries in my life. Not to say I am expert on them. The opposite. Someone who knew she was struggling to have them right. Only recently something has changed for me.
Now, I see how difficult it is to set boundaries somewhere well without having enough safe space somewhere else. I would recommend searching for safety outside of the circle that continues to hurt you. Shift your attention from the effort to fix your reality with the family. Is there someone you could ask to go out for a coffee weekly for 3 months? A gym? This ESL learning you like? Here? Let yourself choose what will define you. Let it slowly replace the impact of your family behavior.
You can tell that trying to understand and reason does not work. It's like if they got used to being emotionally irresponsible. It's convenient. No matter how bad they behave they expect to be forgiven, given another chance and attention and you being so nice. So why would they want to make a real effort of controlling themselves?
You can't trust them with your emotions. Get yourself ready to not need to trust them. Chose to build yourself elsewhere. And then maybe one day they choose to learn to be trustworthy. Or maybe not. When, you stand on your feet firmer without them, you might be able to keep working boundaries with them and with how much you let them in.
thank you, and for the hug, setting boundaries prob is hard. But i could try, is just i know my body rn is like “I CANT RELAX UNTIL WE HAVE A PROPER CONVO AND SHE APOLOGISES FOR THE HURT IM SCARED” it did spiral today but i am safe rn and i wont fake it my ability rn to think clearly and make choices is foggy rn and mind racing. I know i cant win one way or another. Limitin contact with her hurts, conflicts with her hurt too. And lying to her hurts too. Ive seen everyones true faces including my aunts and its just disturbing. I have been trying boundaries but idk if im doin them right. Rn all these words and actions are creating a self blame and self negativity in me i rlly dont like it but i get im stressed 11/10. I guess ill wait till what concious me says about all this. But thank u for ur advice and hug 💖
@berrycheesecake90
:)
You are doing lots of self reflection. There is plenty of good in it. Still there is also the not helpful self-blame. Taking responsibility for your part is one thing. You still need respect, including from yourself. That is the only one you can learn to control.
I think you are not in great position for setting lasting boundaries yet. To set them you need to stop needing the other side to do what you wish for.
Right now, you share how you can't stand being in conflict with your ma. You keep reaching out to repair, explain yourself, get apology. Your mind probably demands it from you to bring back the illusion that your world is put together enough. Even though, you know it is not working.
Unfortunately, boundaries are not about making other people do what you wish for. You have only power to change how you respond to what is happening to you. When someone talks to you without respect you can stay and argue with them to prove them that you deserve more. Or you can just walk away from that room. Take yourself away from harm. If you are strong enough you can say "I am not willing to stay in disrespectful conversation".
But to be able to tolerate the relation with your ma staying in unresolved conflict, you need to center yourself around other safer relations. You might not even have them yet. It's not the end of the world. It starts with awareness and then a choice. You are here. It is safe. You need to be able to remember how safety feels like and where you can find it for your mind to not panic.
Relationships are a complex thing. Maybe your processing and needing resolution is faster than what your family is capable of. Maybe they need days or weeks or months to be able to apologies.
Let me know if it is too much of talking. It's ok if you need more simple presence and less thinking at this moment.
Simple presence is okay for now, confused a bit i am strong is just, the home doesnt feel safe, and i had this story before aswell. Fear of constantly being harassed just like my toxic grandmother did. The words told to me triggered my intrusive thoughts and im struggling with them since yesterday. I mean i dont blame me for wanting it to end early or trying. Is just, it reached a point where she lost her damn sense of anything and it is shocking id be shocking to anyone. For me these situations arent one layer but multiple and ofcourse theyll confuse u when u get love one day and the next day conflict all because you are hurt by the behavior of a person. I dont rlly know what to say, easy to say leave but in those moments i feel frozen and in pure despair. And stuck in a loop.
Tbh for now like i said think presence is fine, cus my brain is just scanning for threat anywhere and sometimes something makes me gaurd up even if theres nothing much there ive been thru alot with ppl these couple days.
@berrycheesecake90
I get that. And that is OK. Safety first 🤗
Is there anybody positive in your life you would like to talk about for a change of scene?
Snowed, tried makin a igloo 😂, left food for a stray kitty i see maybe i might befriend em and have my other cat have a friend. Tho this is kinda tuff for some other past reasons..but yeh, also nuetral ones can help too. Like neutral things, sometimes ive noticed transitioning into straight goods can feel resistant
Im still figuring out safety and not feeling like im in a scary movie. Espc from triggerful worsds that were my fear. So yeh snoww ❄️
@berrycheesecake90
this sounds peaceful :)
I like this picture in my head. I agree that sometimes neutral is easier. Too much contrast can hurt in a different way.
@berrycheesecake90 I'm so sorry you're going through so much 🙁 This is a safe space for you to vent 🤍 Sending you love and *hugs* ❤️❤️
Thank you 🙏 hugs to u aswell, also your username is cool. !
@berrycheesecake90 Thank you, and yours too! <3
Thank u ☺️
Tbh I cried out to God when I was in distress and just seeked Him and now my like has changed. It was not instant but there is hope. I’ll pray for you for sure. Sending love and light.
Ur going through a lot...but don't worry... everything will be fine soon....🌺
Earlier today it worsened and was physical and some threats in the heat of it all, tbh i dont feel okay i feel unsafe , (however if anything id call someonedid call crisis hotline twice )just mainly the threat made me feel unsafe and have been spiraling for 3 hrs now. And have brain fog aswell. I did try and set a boundary even if it was thru text sayin i wont speak or interact until she apologises. I do have confusion aswell and my father is giving me delulu ideas 😑 questions how to regain conciousness and feel grounded and safe. Feels like i have a fever, probably brain fog and burnout Feburary has been the most traumatic for me. Oh also my brain has internalized all and prob cus of being stress is being mean to me to try and predict something atp. How can i be kind to me and lower these thoughts.
@berrycheesecake90, the physical toll is real. Deep breaths is how i manage it. Let yourself feel so you dont keep carrying everything. You are not alone through this.
Thank u 🙏💖
@berrycheesecake90, I am currently living with a mother who tells me I'm basically crazy, and trauma is definitely a daily triggering battle for me too. But you are not alone. Dont take crap from her or wear yourself down in anticipation of an apology that may never come. They may not respect your emotional needs, but people (especially here) care about you. Take a deep breath. Distance yourself from everyone for five minutes and know you will get through this.💙💙💙💙
Thank u once again 💖 im sorry u have to go thru it aswell. For me the confusing part is that she wasnt always like this. Well atleast not a year ago. Did say wonderful things a couple weeks ago “i apologise for ur trauma” etc. now? I guess she lost her capacity. And i guess its nit my problem and i probably amd still worthy and theres a chance i still do deserve safety. Youre right. Holding on and thinking of a apology lord knows when it might come could be in vain. Atp i might have to close off from her even if temporary. Ill try not to take what she said close. Some of the stuff tho that she said was triggering. She did say she took it back over text when i asked her , yet to see an apology. Idk abt u i have ither fam members that worsen it. And thats kinda the worse oart. Feel like im left with vultures. My father do worsen it often. He never repaired just popped back in and it feels bizzare and sometimes he says sum unhinged out the blue. *** im the only person irl i have that could be safe. Ill try the break from everyone. And thank u 💖🙏
@berrycheesecake90, yeah, its my entire family. The trauma is real. If they are the source of most or alot of your triggers, and they keep apologizing but doing the same things, I'd say its time for a good long (temporary maybe) break. You're worth more than this.💙
Berry cheesecake:
I am sorry you are going through all that distress. I think that you made a wise choice to express your feelings in a safe and supportive environment. Best wishes, ❤️
I understand how you feel. It sounds a lot like you are experiencing rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Look it up. 98% of people with adhd experience it, but you don't have to be adhd. I feel extreme pain, physical pain, when I am rejected, abandoned, or criticized. I usually react with intense emotion which seems impossible to control. And the person I'm trying to talk to doesn't get that, and feels attacked. They either get defensive or walk away, making my feelings of rejection / abandonment even more intense, resulting in an entire meltdown from me. And in that moment I just need someone to validate my feelings and care about me in spite of everything. And that almost never happens. It's so hard. It's very lonely to be in that position, it's often leads to SI/SA and I just want you to know you're NOT ALONE. I GET IT. I REALLY DO.
Im so sorry u have to go thru it too, not so sure if it is what it is i feel alot of attachment wounds and trauma responses. I also cant believe some ppl honestly can see someone infront of them having a crisis and work it up as manipulation or a personal attack
