Seeking Support for a Breakup
Hi everyone,
My ex broke up with me a couple days ago. We live together and work together, so we still interact regularly. I have no friends and no family I can trust to talk to, so I just need support. I'm lost and confused and hurting.
He and I were together for 5 years. I had a lot of toxic habits from a previous relationship that I brought into the mix. In addition to my insecurities and other negative habits. He was patient with me and warned me he was getting worn down and would eventually leave. I didn't make the right changes and he now has left. He mentioned that he isn't happy with our relationship and hasn't been for months. He sees no future with me and hasn't for months. And our relationship was driving him to drink excessively.
The drinking he had mentioned, but the revelation that he hasn't seen a future for months hurt because we were looking into IVF for kids all this time. I didn't even know he hadn't been seeing a future for months. We also just had a small get-away together, but he said he didn't enjoy it as much as he could because being with me isn't fun.
Anyway, I'm planning on moving and finding a new job ASAP, but that can only go so fast. In the meantime, I don't know how to handle this. I feel miserable every day. At work, I keep thinking of how we used to act and the jokes we used to have, but he doesn't do any of those. He'll still be comfortable around the house and walk around in boxers, but then he always closes the door to the bathroom now and barely talks to me.
I want us to go back to normal, but it is hurting him and I'd rather be hurting than have his health worsen. I have been making so many changes and improvements for myself, but I guess it was never enough. I got snippy with him and was rude, and that was the last straw. We ended up having an argument and then the next day he said he didn't want to continue the relationship and said he had been unhappy for months.
I'm not sure where the best place to post this is, so forgive if this isn't it. My thinking abilities are a bit limited right now. I'm just focused on not crying or being pathetic at work.
@JessHen I'm really sorry your ex broke up with you 🙁 You didn't deserve to be made to feel like your love and efforts wasn't enough. Please try to be gentle with yourself 🤍 You're trying, you're reflecting and that truly matters — you matter ❤️ You're not alone, we're all here for you in this ❤️ Sending lots of love your way 🐾💕
Thank you so much, that all means a lot to me. It isn't the first break-up I've been through, and I know I'll be okay in time, but last time, I was the dumper, so it was a diffferent experience.
@JessHen Thank you for sharing that 🤍 its totally okay to feel however you're feeling right now... Your feelings are valid, and you don't need to rush or explain your healing process 🤍 This is a safe and judgement free space for you ❤️ Sending lots of love to you 🐾💕
Hope you are healing ❤️🩹
Thank you!
Dear Jen,
I feel your pain right now. You feel rejected and at the same time you feel guilty because you are blaming yourself for his statements. You are human and you are doing your best within the context of your current mindset and mental thought habits. But that is all anyone can do. We are what we are and you can love yourself for being the best Jen you can be. I wish you the best. Accept and love yourself as you and that will help you to deal with your current situation. ❤️❤️😊😊🙏🙏
Thank you! Your message is much appreciated.
You are most welcome. ❤️
Dude we are pretty much in the same boat. I have absolutely no friends. None. He is the only one I talked to everyday. Is there a way we can chat personally on here and just truama dump and vent
Sounds good to me, though I don't have a Snap or any social media, really.
I'm also not sure what his goal is anymore. He mentioned trying us again this evening, but I don't know whether we will or not. There would be so much that has to change on both our ends. I'm just confused about my own feelings right now.
Or we can both just create fake snaps or something and talk on there. I don't see there's an option on here to text personally
Hey Jess,
I can feel how much pain and confusion you’re carrying right now, and it’s completely okay to feel lost. When the ground shifts beneath us, our mind runs wild with “why” and “what if.” But sometimes, what’s happening isn’t meant to destroy you — it’s meant to wake something deeper inside you.
You can’t control how others act, feel, or choose. But you can choose how you respond — and that’s where your power really lies. Right now, your mind is trying to hold on to what was, but life is asking you to focus on what is. The person you loved has made their choice; now it’s time for you to make yours — to rise with grace, not bitterness.
You said you’ve been making changes, but felt they were never enough. Maybe the real change isn’t to win someone back — maybe it’s to become peaceful within yourself, even when nothing goes your way. When you stop fighting what’s already gone, you create space for strength, clarity, and even love to return in a purer form later.
Don’t fight the pain — witness it. Feel it, but don’t let it own you. You’re not your heartbreak, your mistakes, or your loneliness. Those are passing waves. You are the one who watches the waves come and go.
Right now, your only duty is to take each day as it comes — not for the past, not for someone else, but because life still has work for you to do. This ending isn’t the end of your story, Jess. It’s just the moment life asked you to remember who you really are.
You are absolutely right. I need to find peace in myself. I am so confused. I want him to be healthy, but also want him to stay. He mentioned trying again, but I'm not sure what the right course of action is.
Jess,
It’s completely natural to feel torn right now. The heart wants to hold on, while the mind knows that clinging too tightly can harm both people. What you’re feeling isn’t wrong — it’s just the part of you that still loves him learning how to love without attachment.
If he’s open to trying again, that can only work if both of you return not from fear of loneliness, but from genuine peace. Love that grows out of desperation will break again under the same weight. But love that comes after both have found clarity — that’s the kind that lasts.
So before you decide what to do about him, give yourself space to heal what’s inside you. Stillness first, action later. When the heart settles, the path becomes clear — and whatever choice you make then, it won’t come from confusion, but from strength.
Right now, your only real task is to come back to yourself. Everything else will fall into place after that.
Remember this always in your life.. Decisions taken emotionally are the weakest. Explain this to him. When you both agree to try while giving space to each other.. time to grow.. It would build a path strong enough to handle most of the situations.
That's true: choices made from desperation will break again. I just need more time. Returning to the status quo is so appealing, but it'd just end up with both of us hurt again, potentially even worse. It does have to come from a place of peace, you are correct. Thank you for all your responses, by the way. Having someone to talk to through all this is immensely helpful.
It is indeed very helpful to talk to. This app can be a great place for that.. although look out for people who want reviews against those who genuinely feel empathy. You can reach out to me if you'd like to discuss more about your situation. Based on the way you talk, you seem really mature and I trust you to take the right descisions in your life.. A glass needs to be clear to reflect things clearly too.. same goes to your soul and mind. Find peace within and it will reflect outside too.
Thank you for the offer. I'm not as mature as someone my age should be, honestly, but I'm trying. Anyway, it helps that another person believes in me, too. It's mostly just a matter of believing in myself now.
Update: thank you everyone for the support. It has really helped to not be alone. My ex mentioned the idea of trying again yesterday. I'm still not sure it will fully work. Going back is obviously appealing and easy, but there was a lot of damage done. I'm evaluating if it's truly stuff I can look past or if it will inevitably come up as frustration later. Anyway, that's where I am now. Thanks again for the support and kind words; everyone has helped me so much.
@JessHen
Hello Jess,
I am so happy for you that your ex still loves you and wants to try again. It seems that my situation was similar to yours in some aspects, but for me, it was always my ex who was rude and had a temper, while I was sad and shut down. I broke up with him in June in a brutal way because of a misunderstanding and now I am hurting deeply. He loved me and was putting effort to grow in the relationship, while I did not. He does not want me back and just found a wonderful girlfriend. It is not good to turn against a person you loved and stayed with for such a long time. The pain after a breakup is more manageable if you tried your best. I believe that we can use relationships as tools to grow, to grow together. It helps to find a good therapist and try your best to inform each other about your specific difficulties and traumas, and how they affect you. I recommend reading Pete Walker's book on CPTSD and choosing the most loving response to your ex, to grow together.
That is just my opinion, speaking sincerely from extreme pain, but I am not a therapist.
I wish you the best and that you can be well with your loved ones.
Thank you so much. I will definitely look into that book.
My prior relationship with my ex involved me being more calm and him being toxic. I felt stupid after I left because I wished I could shut my feelings off so I could stay and make him happy. I'm too much of a people-pleaser, but that's a different matter.
The main point in mentioning it was to agree with the idea that the pain still exists for the dumper, it's just different. They say the dumper usually feels relief, at first, then the loss actually hits them later on. You are right that relationships are tools; I believe that, as well.
I wish you the best as you move forward. It sucks and no matter how many times you remind yourself of why it was for the better to leave, the message just doesn't get through until more time passes. I'm sorry I don't have less cliche advice to help you, too.
