Social Anxiety
Honestly idk what I was expecting.. idk what it is about me that is a “people repellent” I honestly can’t or don’t know how to interact with people. Well I do I guess. But since being in college i haven’t had much success in making any. There’s something about being vulnerable that I shy away from. Idk I have this wall up and honestly it’s all I know it’s all I feel safe in. Here nobody can touch me and nobody can see the parts I don’t want them to. That’s a big part of it honestly, Im always feeling like there are parts of me that might be “too much” of that or “not enough” of that to really be able to get close to anyone. My lifestyle, things are pretty crazy. I always feel like when o come to school I’m an imposter or something. Forcing myself to pretend I’m this normal person, normal girl. A girl that has it all together. But I’m not. In reality I’m a mess. And things at home are a wreck. I guess I’m just really afraid of people seeing that mess. Judging my mess. I don’t know how to get out of this. I don’t see a lot of people that I often want to connect with, but when I do it’s hard for me to put myself out there to reach out to them. Especially when most of them already have their own groups. I’ve been rejected before and It never helps that I’m the outsider. Than it’ll definitely feel like I’ll be judged. People always think I’m “mean” or “stuck up” but honestly I'm just really awkward, insecure, and really just scared if I'm being honest. If anything this has caused conflict with about 4 other girls in my classes.
The weather is getting warmer and it means I'll have to start coming out of my shell a little more. I usually wear black baggy clothes and a mask. I’m very self conscious about my body. So you know that doesn't help the negative idea people associate with me. We had a fair today and even tho I wanted to, I didn't want to go near them cause I didn't have anyone to go with. And I don't really want people to see how lonely I am. And sometimes stuff like that isn’t fun without your people to enjoy it with.
This summer I don’t think, me working and working on my craft will be enough to keep me around. To keep me going. I know I’m the problem but I don’t mean to be.
@lovingCup504
I feel for you i was you for a long time stayed to myself ....... i will tell you when i quit pretending and let my mess shine on through i have people from all around me...........ready to be friends ...
why........ because they all pretend too ................ have just as much or more mess. ........ will some judge? maybe ...................but it often is a person who has no room to compare and want to use any other persons shortfall to elevate themselves ........ and they never learned how to be a grown up....
so many people waste so much time afraid ... of what ifs........in the big picture of things who cares i cannot even remember some people in my past except the ones who were phony or pretended to have it all together.........
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable post. You are definitely not alone. I too feel like a person repellent and am very awkward. Everyone is insecure and believe me no one has it together. I’m with you on this!
