Someone Help Me Make Sense of This…

@jesusredeemedme2425

Even though I have been gravely hurt by people, pushed to my very limits, lied to, gaslit, abused, neglected, blamed unfairly, taunted, bullied, placed on harmful medications that made life impossible to live... I am still drawn to people. I love them, in fact. I still have faith in a system that is broken, because it works occasionally.

It doesn't make much sense. I should hate people. I should want to move to the woods and never see another soul again. Maybe it is my bad memory that makes me forgiving. Maybe it is my rejection sensitivity dysphoria that makes me kind and want to be accepted. Maybe I am just naive. Whatever it is... it seems I will never give up on people.

@jesusredeemedme2425

Two things can be true at the same time, men can be cruel and violent and men can be also be loving and gentle and kind, your experiences make it more difficult for you to distinguish between the two effectively 💜 

@jesusredeemedme2425

I faced some trauma from bad relations and interactions with men. I went in an almost isolation - physical plus bottling up my feelings. And feared for my safety - from all men. But still I would find peace in my heart from the dreams of romantic love it carried. I wouldn't interact with real life people but I wouldnt stop tenderly loving my imaginary ones - haha. The heart doesnt forget its own tune.

Of course things got better in time and I did start meeting and expressing again.

I dont know your exact situation. However to me your conflict sounds positive in the sense that your heart wants to live and love - shows you have hope and trust within you, and you are noticing light of others. But your trauma is also useful because its acting as a guide to tell you to take caution and discern with care.

Recently I was unusually attracted to a man 20 year older to me .The attraction was so powerful I had to pay attention to it. At the same time, my anxiety also rose, because I had a hunch that my subconscious was pulling me to familiar patterns of attraction I have been in before - due to daddy issues i.e. seeking validation from authority figures or older people.

So - i decided to pause till i understood myself and was sure I wasn't choosing someone out of the wrong reasons.

In the end, I concluded that my attraction to the person was bit of both - genuine appreciation of who he was and a little bit of my need of validation from a father figure. I decided not to go for it and change my path so my attraction goes away - which it has because I chose right reason to put it to rest. I do of course appreciate him in my heart and that's okay.

I posted about this in a thread as well. Because I too needed help.

I am glad youre sharing your feelings so you can receive support from others in figuring out your answers. We all need that kind of support.

@jesusredeemedme2425

Hey, I totally get where you’re coming from. It’s really confusing to have those mixed feelings — finding someone attractive but also feeling scared or on edge because of past trauma. Your brain is just trying to protect you, even if it feels messy right now. You’re not broken or messed-up; you’re just dealing with really complex feelings, and that’s totally okay. Take your time with it, and know you’re not alone. 

Feeling that way is understandable. It’s not that your mind is broken—on the contrary, it’s reacting more clearly than ever. Your alarms are constantly going off, especially when you start associating those beautiful feelings of attraction with past trauma.

It’s hard to break out of that loop, especially when you feel like you’re broken.

“Am I seriously panicking over a simple flirtatious gesture I just received?”

Yes—that’s actually the right answer.

It’s expected that you react that way, my friend. Your brain just wants to protect you.

But that’s where we come in, as conscious individuals, to gently remind ourselves that even though we understand the pain we’re going through right now, it doesn’t mean every interaction or relationship will be like that.

Of course, you shouldn't ignore the feeling—that would just lead you back into the same hole. You need to learn from it.

But you also can’t let one single person ruin all the beautiful experiences still waiting for you with others.

And I don’t mean just men or women—because I’ve fallen into that trap myself. In my own way, women have used me as an emotional toy and discarded me once I was no longer useful.

Now, does that mean I should give up on my dream of finding that connection, that woman, building a family?

No.

Does it mean I should ignore those feelings and convince myself they’re meaningless?

Also no.

What you need, my friend, is space.

I know it’s hard, confusing, exhausting—and God, you just want this nightmare to end already. But believe me:

Be patient. Be aware of your own pace. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.

You hold incredible worth, and I promise you—sooner than you think, though maybe not as soon as you’d wish—what you’re waiting for will come.

Because living within the frame, in the very world where those stories unfold, is the only way to ever reach them.

But if we let ourselves write the end of the story before it has even truly begun, then the only thing we’ll be left with is that ending.

Your mind and your body will be saved by the soul inside you—the one that still longs to live.

I trust you deeply.

Sending you a hug. I'm here when ever you need me.

@jesusredeemedme2425 Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal feeling, it takes great courage to be so vulnerable. I want you to know that this kind of contradiction is very often found in survivors of trauma, especially those with more extensive Adverse Childhood Experiences. I hope this isn't too forward of me, but from the sound of this you may find greater peace with Internal Family Systems. The idea that you are expressing is a deep internal conflict, and IFS introduces you to the part of you that wants, the part of you that fears, and allows you the opportunity to guide them all with your best and true Self. Some workbooks are publicly available, and there are therapists trained in this modality. You can also play with AI models who act like IFS therapist to try it on for size if that's your jam. Most importantly, know you are not alone in this experience, and the community here supports you!