Suffering Deeply 💔 I Don’t Know Where I’m Going Anymore 😔

I think I’ve reached a point where I genuinely have no idea what I’m doing with my life anymore. It feels like I’m completely caught in chaos, like everything around me is spinning and I’m trapped right in the middle without any direction. Even when something good happens or I feel a tiny bit of happiness, I immediately feel guilty... like I don’t deserve it, or like something is wrong in me for even enjoying anything.

I spend whole days lying in bed, doing nothing, staring at the walls or scrolling endlessly, and by the end of the day I feel horrible. I feel like I’m fooling myself by pretending I’m okay. My body is resting but my mind is screaming, and something in me keeps aching no matter what. I feel like nobody really understands me the way I wish they would.

My physical health is getting worse and worse. My chest pain remains. My breathing problems come and go. I’m not eating well because I honestly don’t feel like eating at all anymore, and I hate when people tell me to eat — it makes me feel even more unseen. I’m barely sleeping, maybe 2 or 3 hours, and even when I want to sleep, my mind refuses to let me. It feels like my mental health is destroying my physical health, slowly and painfully.

And every time listener tells me, “Take care of yourself,” it hits me in the worst way. It makes me feel unloved, like they’re just throwing the responsibility back at me. Because honestly, I’ve been taking care of myself alone for so long. Even when I had severe fever and couldn’t move, it was still me, by myself. So when people say that, it feels like they don’t understand how tired I am. I don’t want lectures. I want someone who genuinely cares. I’m exhausted from carrying myself alone.

Even my parents... I love them deeply, but when I try to explain myself and they make fun of me or brush it off, it hurts in places I can’t even describe. Their words stay with me longer than anyone’s. And when one of the listener tells me (i also feel he is right actually) I'm an adult, I’m childish for wanting care, it breaks something inside me. I’m scared to let people see how fragile I am because I feel judged all the time.

The loneliness is eating me alive. I keep repeating the same mistakes even though I know exactly how they will destroy me. I know the consequences, and I still fall into the same patterns, and it makes me hate myself even more. I’m starting to feel like I’m negative by nature, like something is fundamentally wrong with me. My mom often calls me a disgrace, and somewhere along the way, I began believing it. I feel disgusted with myself.

There are so many things I hate about who I’ve become — I hate being sensitive, fragile, easily hurt. I hate my inferiority complex, my weakness, the way I pretend to be happy and smiling and laughing when inside I feel like I’m slowly collapsing. I hate knowing what could make me happy but still refusing to do those things. I hate how much of a coward I feel like.

And my cats… they weren’t just pets. They were deeply connected to me. Emotional anchors. Losing them one by one, watching them die in my lap, broke something in me. So I stopped keeping pets. But recently, because I’ve been emotionally struggling again, I tried getting new cats for support. Instead of happiness, all I feel is fear. Whenever I look at them, I see my old cats in my mind. I keep thinking these ones will die too. I should feel comfort with them, but the opposite happens — I feel panic and sadness.

I honestly don’t know where I belong anymore. I don’t know what my purpose is. Nothing truly makes me happy now. I’m tired of advice, tired of people telling me things that don’t touch the pain inside me. I’m anxious, restless, confused, doing the same damage to myself again and again. I feel like a liar, a disappointment, a burden. I feel cursed sometimes, like my existence is a mistake.

I hate that I can’t cry anymore. My tears feel dry.

I feel like I’m fading inside while pretending to be alive on the outside.

I don’t recognize myself.

I just needed to put all of this somewhere.