Suffering Deeply 💔 I Don’t Know Where I’m Going Anymore 😔
I think I’ve reached a point where I genuinely have no idea what I’m doing with my life anymore. It feels like I’m completely caught in chaos, like everything around me is spinning and I’m trapped right in the middle without any direction. Even when something good happens or I feel a tiny bit of happiness, I immediately feel guilty... like I don’t deserve it, or like something is wrong in me for even enjoying anything.
I spend whole days lying in bed, doing nothing, staring at the walls or scrolling endlessly, and by the end of the day I feel horrible. I feel like I’m fooling myself by pretending I’m okay. My body is resting but my mind is screaming, and something in me keeps aching no matter what. I feel like nobody really understands me the way I wish they would.
My physical health is getting worse and worse. My chest pain remains. My breathing problems come and go. I’m not eating well because I honestly don’t feel like eating at all anymore, and I hate when people tell me to eat — it makes me feel even more unseen. I’m barely sleeping, maybe 2 or 3 hours, and even when I want to sleep, my mind refuses to let me. It feels like my mental health is destroying my physical health, slowly and painfully.
And every time listener tells me, “Take care of yourself,” it hits me in the worst way. It makes me feel unloved, like they’re just throwing the responsibility back at me. Because honestly, I’ve been taking care of myself alone for so long. Even when I had severe fever and couldn’t move, it was still me, by myself. So when people say that, it feels like they don’t understand how tired I am. I don’t want lectures. I want someone who genuinely cares. I’m exhausted from carrying myself alone.
Even my parents... I love them deeply, but when I try to explain myself and they make fun of me or brush it off, it hurts in places I can’t even describe. Their words stay with me longer than anyone’s. And when one of the listener tells me (i also feel he is right actually) I'm an adult, I’m childish for wanting care, it breaks something inside me. I’m scared to let people see how fragile I am because I feel judged all the time.
The loneliness is eating me alive. I keep repeating the same mistakes even though I know exactly how they will destroy me. I know the consequences, and I still fall into the same patterns, and it makes me hate myself even more. I’m starting to feel like I’m negative by nature, like something is fundamentally wrong with me. My mom often calls me a disgrace, and somewhere along the way, I began believing it. I feel disgusted with myself.
There are so many things I hate about who I’ve become — I hate being sensitive, fragile, easily hurt. I hate my inferiority complex, my weakness, the way I pretend to be happy and smiling and laughing when inside I feel like I’m slowly collapsing. I hate knowing what could make me happy but still refusing to do those things. I hate how much of a coward I feel like.
And my cats… they weren’t just pets. They were deeply connected to me. Emotional anchors. Losing them one by one, watching them die in my lap, broke something in me. So I stopped keeping pets. But recently, because I’ve been emotionally struggling again, I tried getting new cats for support. Instead of happiness, all I feel is fear. Whenever I look at them, I see my old cats in my mind. I keep thinking these ones will die too. I should feel comfort with them, but the opposite happens — I feel panic and sadness.
I honestly don’t know where I belong anymore. I don’t know what my purpose is. Nothing truly makes me happy now. I’m tired of advice, tired of people telling me things that don’t touch the pain inside me. I’m anxious, restless, confused, doing the same damage to myself again and again. I feel like a liar, a disappointment, a burden. I feel cursed sometimes, like my existence is a mistake.
I hate that I can’t cry anymore. My tears feel dry.
I feel like I’m fading inside while pretending to be alive on the outside.
I don’t recognize myself.
I just needed to put all of this somewhere.
@Ailuraphilelove8tear9
You do deserve happiness.
Not fear.
Not sadness.
Not guilt.
Healing one day at a time.
Getting out of bed more and more each day.
Rebuilding you.
You deserve it all 💖
@Amanda84
Thank you for you kind words... i actually need it RN... i hope things will soon ease off as you said ❤️
@Ailuraphilelove8tear9
I wish I knew the words to make everything better for you. Please know you are not alone in these feelings.❤️ Things can be super challenging and all you want is to feel better. It’s frustrating and presses with your patience. The fact that you vented all of this when needed is a start. Knowing you want better for yourself, moves things further. You can do this. Minute by minute. ❤️ offers hugs
@peachThinker662 😇
Thank you so much for saying all this😊. It honestly means more to me than I can put into words✨. Just knowing someone understands even a little bit… it makes me feel less alone in all of this. 💜
You’re right, maybe the fact that I finally let it all out is a small step forward. I’m trying, even if it’s slow. 💞
Thank you for reminding me that it’s okay to take time🌟. Your kindness really reached me today. 💜😊
(つ≧▽≦)つ
Your honesty is moving. Gives a big (safe) embrace. 🙂
@Creamyyy ✨
Thank you so much 😊💜
I used to feel like you, your words resonate with me. It's a process, takes time, patience, therapy, coaching and faith. Still, those days come back to me from time to time, I repeat to myself "this shall pass too"... "you're tired, it's late, let's breath". You're not alone, it's just we're not corageous enough to express ourselves like you did. Day by day ✨️
@Julie2411
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. It honestly gives me a little hope knowing someone has walked through the same storm and made it out stronger. Your words really touched me.💜✨
Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone in this. i feel less isolated. Your message made me breathe a little easier today. ✨
Its true. Im also having same patterns. Ofcourse when it becomes very hard , we should accept it and just take a single next step. May be drinking a water. Talking with peer . That will make a difference. Its the way i live friend.
@amusingTown328 Yes, i honestly agree with you. when everything Falling on me, i just sit by myself quietly- focus on simple things and distract myself. it really help me calm sometimes 😊💞
Yes, I fully believe what you mentioned.
It is life, sometime and some time down, everyone trying to be stable and majority succeed. Me too going thru like this and facing it daily and thanks my Creater that this day is passed. Gratitude. Otherwise I’m also feeling a dead body. I’m 77 disabled, mentaly and physically sick with recently disabled wife72 where our own sons are not looking at us or helping us. We both are alone with these sicknesse Strugling to survive. So what we have no other options and we can not change anything but ourselves, we have to move alone and no one come and help us. I’m trying move like it n still searching for peace. Praying for you to have peace, prosperity n happiness in your life. Amen
@considerateChestnut4179
Thank you... it honestly inspired me. The way you keep going despite everything you’re facing shows a kind of strength that is something I deeply respect. your words reminded me to keep moving forward no matter how heavy things feel. I’ll try my best to hold on and stay steady.
I’m really sorry that you and your wife are facing this without the support you deserve. No one your age should feel that alone, especially after a lifetime of giving and caring for others.
I hope you find moments of peace and comfort, even if they’re small.
And thank you for your prayers it means a lot. I’m praying that you and your wife find relief, kindness, and better days ahead too.
Sending lots of love 😊💜
Hugs 🤗✨
Hey hello! I hope we could chat together!
do you work or study?
@HappyAccident4286
Study.
@Ailuraphilelove8tear9
Aww love! I have been through something similar so I can understand, I remember reading a old letter of mine it just said, "I am dying, I am dying from inside and I don't know what to do " I also didn't knew much at the time, I think what really helped me was building up myself internally slowly and gradually, but hey I also wanted to have someone by my side and I knew my Indian parents or my siblings won't understand me, at that time I also had questions like what is the world for and all, I think I started diverting my mind from everything and the first thing I told myself was that " it is not my fault, but yeah ! I wouldn't wait for anyone else to notice my pain or understand me, I will work on myself by myself, I can do it, I am really strong" ahh ! I used to wake up and write down ten times, " I am very strong, I can do it, nothing is my fault, I am working hard on me taking breaks and cherishing myself for it " I don't know how much of it did I achieve but yeah! My condition is better for the good, also I removed dark things, like watching horror movies, I started setting vibrant and happy wallpapers, listening to happy jolly songs, especially going for healthy walks " and the most important thing that came around at this time which helped me was somehow I ended up getting interested in reading Bhagvadgeeta and listening to flute or hearing lord krishna hymns, it gave me strength and made me feel like yup! There is someone, like lord krishna present for me, everything will be fine, what I wanna say is it helped in tricking my brain to give a reason to work on myself and the strength to move forward. I wish you luckiii, I am hopeful things will be amazing soon 💖💖💖🪷🪷🪷🪷🪷🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🌸🌸🌸🌸🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷💞💞💞💞💞💞💞
@scarletBalsam388 🤗🌸
Thank you for sharing this… it really touched me.
My childhood was honestly something terrible too. I grew up with so much negativity around me and without real love or care. I didn’t even understand what “mental health” meant back then — I just knew something was wrong in me, but I was clueless and alone. I wasn’t good at anything, always felt inferior, and life just… kept happening to me without anyone noticing.
I’ve gone through a lot, and I’m still going through a lot. The hardest part is I was alone then, and I’m alone now too. I learned how to console myself because people really do just come and go. I used to think opening up to my parents would help, but they just made fun of me. After that I shut down… hid everything, turned myself into a stone.
On the outside I look clumsy, funny, lively — but inside I’ve been suffering quietly for years.
I barely sleep 4–5 hours… usually it’s 2 or 3. I cry only when no one is around. All of it just turned into chronic pain, health issues, and a mind that’s constantly tired. And honestly, idk i can say this here or not but still ... I’ve had $uicid@l thoughts since I was a kid. Depression and anxiety became a part of me. The weight I carry is really heavy.
But even with all that… I’m still moving. I’m still here.
I’m stronger than before, maybe not in a loud way, but in a way that kept me alive. I got so many negative thoughts over the years but I didn’t feed them. I learned how to stay alone and still keep going. I learned how to stop caring about what people say. I learned how to console myself when someone important leaves. I learned how to survive without emotional support.
When I needed people, no one came… I cried, I broke, but every day I’m still trying. Still choosing to move forward.
But also sometimes break and get overwhelmed, Despaired totally and want someone badly.
Thank you for sharing your journey too, it made me feel a little less alone. 🤗
@Ailuraphilelove8tear9
Aww love! You seem like a really strong person. I appreciate your attitude towards facing things despite coming from a negative background, it's important to keep going and working on yourself, as for sleep I too used to sleep only like 4-3 hours, and sometimes even during sleep I would feel like I am very awake, it was more like my brain was highly active at first this active brain was helpful cause I was preparing for the exam so I could pulloff studying for long long hours but gradually everything just became too much handle, I too used to feel guilty for every little thing, like for dancing in family functions I would keep thinking I am wasting my parents money and not studying, but hey no one of it is our fault, we don't know what is going on with us at times, I really appreciate that you could even put up a forum post about how you are feeling, while I would even delete the messages that I sent to my listener in embarrassment. I think you are really brave for standing up till now and fighting for yourself, I just want to let you know taking breaks isn't bad and I think our mental health is our responsibility, so others have no right to judge us, you are amazing, go at your own pace! As for sleep I think hearing flute was helpful, you can also try other calm songs that help to rest the overflowing thoughts in our head. As well as cause I knew no one can help in such a situation but me as in Indian household we struggle with getting our mental health recognised by others, so I told myself it is stupid to wait for others and keep longing for something that might not happen instead of it I could tell myself the things I expect from people even if someone did care for me genuinely they wouldn't be able to put me out of my blunder if I myself don't try I keep longing for some kind words when I know that will just give me a reason to delay working on myself , I would tell myself I want to be asad not adam ( ahh ! They are some characters from a story I read ), asad stood up when he felt something wrong was happening while adam just waited for sad to fix things for him and kept avoiding the challenges that were his, I remember reading in a book I can stand together with Harry but I can't fight in place of him, it's his fight his battles and I am sure he can do it, I trust and support him, from this harry thing incident I took 7 cups ,the support over here and of course my very kind listener's help and yup! Reading Bhagvadgeeta and lord krishna as someone standing with me, while me choosing to fight. Hey I am hopeful things things will be fine for you too keep on working hard, love lots bye bye : )💞💞💞💞💞 🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🪷🪷🪷🪷💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
Your message honestly felt so warm… thank you for all your words 😊✨💜
I could feel every bit of what you saying, especially the part about being awake even while sleeping that restless mind, that guilt for tiny things, that pressure we carry without even knowing why. It’s strange how similar our experiences sound… it made me feel a little less alone reading your words.
And hearing you call me strong actually softened something in me. I appreciate it more than you know. The way you kept going despite everything, exams, family expectations, that constant mental noise... that’s real courage too.🤗
And you’re right… in households like ours, waiting for understanding just hurts more. Sometimes we have to become our own voice, our own comfort, our own push. It’s hard, but hearing how you learned to do that gives me hope that I can too.
Thank you for counting on me with this.
And thank you for believing I’m capable of fighting my battles, I needed to hear that today. 💛
I hope everything will soon ease off for you too🤗
Hugs*💜🤗✨
@Ailuraphilelove8tear9
Aww thank you very much! Good luck 🍀 🍀 🍀 💞💞💞💞💖💖💖🪷🪷🪷🪷
@scarletBalsam388 🤗💜✨🌸
Hey! How are therapy and meds working for you?
I just pray your pain vanishes. There is too much suffering. May your every day be full of glimmers.
@Ailuraphilelove8tear9
Hey !! I really need someone to listen to my dad jokes.. 🙃
I bet that ain't so annoying u knoww.. 🤗
But maybe.. just a lil 😅
Not like other listeners whom u have face. I ain't gonna try to make u better , but.. I am a girl, who wants to talk to a interesting person.. like ya
Ping me up, if you are free👉👈
Hey hi 👋 @Aira0908 Thank you for your offer 😊🌸✨ and Yes, for sure... I'll 😊
Andd interesting??? me??? 🤣🤣
@Ailuraphilelove8tear9
Yeahhh.. Even that's how I would react !!! 🤗
That's why I thought you were interesting!!!! 🤣
@Aira0908 Now i got youð¤£ð¤£
Hi 👋 @Aira0908🌸💞
So.... you’re a teen listener and I’m an adult member, I can’t start a private chat — but if you’re cool with it, I’d love to keep things in the thread as pen-pal style messages instead.💞
Just simple, light conversations… your jokes included 😄
No pressure at all — only if you’re comfortable, if you're not then please dont hesitate to ignore 💞🌸🤗
Hello,
It sounds like you are deep into rumination. Rumination is trying to solve a problem with thought overthinking is the cause of your problem ! It’s like your brain is idling when it needs to turn off to rest. It’s deceptively hard to just do nothing… The brain is always trying to do something! Try staring at a blank wall and you’ll see what I mean.
Give yourself grace! We’re human beings, not human doings! Also, you can’t do everything by yourself. We always need each other, and that’s by design! You are not alone!
Most importantly, try walking outside Nd getting sun. It helps soothe the body and the mind.
I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope this was helpful!
🙏❤️
The typos… See what I mean :)
I can’t fix them or change them, but it’s ok.
It’s just human to make mistakes, but hopefully we learn and grow from them!
I see what you mean… and honestly you’re right. We can’t really undo mistakes, but we can grow from them.🤔
Thanks for saying this... it’s a soft reminder I actually needed.🌸✨
Hi 👋 @Whatsupdog Thank you for taking your time to write this...🌸✨ I see what you mean. It actually makes sense the way you explained it. I didn’t realise I was stuck in rumination until you said it, but yeah… that’s exactly what it feels like.
Thanks for the advice and the prayers 🤗✨ I’ll keep this in mind what all you said. 🌿
Sending love and prayers 🌸💞
Hugs*🤗💜