Two struggles I'm facing - looking for advice
Hey everyone,
I want to share a bit of what I’m going through and ask for your thoughts on two specific things.
First, I want to learn how to become more grateful towards myself. What are some habits or mindsets I can practice to actively nurture self-gratitude?
I tend to be a perfectionist, and right now, when I’m not able to function at my full capacity, it leaves me with a void that easily gets filled with emotions—and even if I manage them, my thoughts keep reminding me that I could be doing more, that I should be doing more, and that something’s wrong with me for not being able to keep up the same pace.
Clearly, I’m not okay, and I admit that. And even though I’m improving—slowly—it’s not as fast as I’d like it to be. Still, that’s not a reason to tear myself apart for it. I know that. But I don’t know how to really live that truth.
The second issue is related to my home environment. I want to be someone useful in life, and in order to finish my studies, I know I’ll eventually have to leave the “comfort” of my home. Though in truth, it doesn’t feel comfortable at all. That place has an overwhelming influence on me.
Outside the house, I’m productive, social—even energized. But inside, all I see is filth, and I’m surrounded by people who do nothing but drag me down.
That’s why I’ve decided to move out once this semester ends and do whatever is in my power to make that happen.
But in the meantime, I still have to deal with this reality.
So, my question is: how can I weaken the emotional power this environment has on me, beyond just going out more (which I already do)?
I’ll be honest: I hate the grip this place has on my mind. It’s frustrating because I haven’t found any tangible way to change that—and it has only worsened over the years. And yes, it got worse mainly because of others: toxic, manipulative, and abusive people.
But I no longer want them to have this power over me.
I want to face this now, before I move out, so I don’t have to live holding my breath until I finally leave.
Truth is, I’m out of ideas. The only thing I can think of is to actively fight the mess they make and try to communicate more—carefully—since even one wrong word usually ends in yelling or insults.
I’d really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks for reading.
@Franse Gosh, I 10000% know what you mean. Environments have such a great impact on mental health, even more for sensitive people (which perfectionists often are, or maybe I'm just projecting haha). I went through a similar situation growing up and recently in a toxic work environment. It sounds like you're taking a major step towards making your environment more supportive for you, and I wish you all the best of luck in doing so! I know I started feeling a bit better even knowing "this will be over soon" and having a plan in place.
In the meantime, is there anything you can do to physically alter the environment to be more supportive for you? Not sure what your living situation is, but if you can carve out even a little bit of space for yourself, even just your bed, and make it as calming and protective as possible, it might help. You could try to make it a place where you can get some sensory rest--try draping a sheet from the ceiling to make a little canopy/"princess style" bed, use earplugs and/or noise-cancelling headphones. (Pro-tip: you can use these even when you're in public areas of the house!). If you have the leeway, maybe rearrange some of the furniture/your furniture to create little "pockets" you can have more privacy in. If you like videos, I highly recommend looking up videos by Cliff Tan, a.k.a Feng Shui Modern--he's so uplifting and has amazing practical and CHEAP tips for altering your environment. He's even made a video on prison cells so seriously, there are options!
Another possibility is you could make a tiny step towards your ultimate goal of moving out each day. It doesn't always have to be a financial step or searching for a place, but maybe you could start packing up some things you don't use very often in preparation for your move. Take down decorations, fill a box with your off-season clothes, maybe declutter some items if you have anything you wouldn't want to bring with you. This could be another way of altering the physical environment in a way that tells your brain "see! things are changing!"
Anyway, I promise you it WILL get better. I am a recovering perfectionist too and as soon as I had a little more control over my environment, it was (paradoxically) so much easier to ease up in other areas of my life. I'm so happy for your next steps! And it's already such a big accomplishment to be able to see where the pain points are actually coming from :)
Wow, thank you so much for these tips and insights. My situation is complex regarding my home. Conflicting siblings, absurdly dirty. I can't keep up with them, it's impossible. I spend two hours cleaning one section of the house only for it to be even worse later. I've been going through that for 10 years. It's exhausting. But that's why I want to see what I can do to change things and make my life easier. Maybe wearing headphones is a good idea. I like the other ideas and I'm trying to implement them. Above all, saving things, although I don't have many, throwing them away or selling them. My situation, as I told you, is complex. I travel a lot to study, so the expenses are difficult to keep track of and add up. That's why I'll have to sacrifice my studies a little to settle in this city, where I study. As for the decorations, I've already done everything possible, even optimizing the comfort of my room a lot; there's no better way to organize it. I think I'll take more advice to change my mindset and get used to the idea. And also to ease the noise of arguments between couples, my brothers' dogs, and their screams.Thanks for the advice! I really appreciate your message. I'm glad someone understands how difficult it is to live this way.
@Franse
Youre trying your best and honestly I find that really beautiful as a reflection of who you are - Humble, honest, resilient, ambitious, fighter!
I dont have tips right now because my brain is fried as well. If something comes up I'll write to you.
But something in my heart tells me your perseverance will have a happy ending ... InshaAllah 🙂
@Franse I've tagged you in another thread where people have shared some tips and words of motivation of coping with unsupportive environments. Take a read and see if any wisdom nugget can be plucked out from there ❤️
Hii
@Franse
One thing that helps me actually feel and express more thankfulness is when I first write down all the hard things going on (and when they are the same things they were yesterday and ten years ago that's ok), and then I actually try to challenge myself to be grateful for ten things per each hard thing. Since our brains do notice more negative and it takes ten positives to cancel one negative mentally, I figure if I list all the hard things and then can't think of ten times that many good things, I have evidence on paper that today is a bad day, and even that can lift my mood a little.
The other thing I might do is write the list of things I am lacking right now, it could be anything. And then with my uber long list of lacks, specifically think of at least one thing I am thankful for about that lack. It's challenging but it can help me with feeling like I am really putting in the work so if I have to go through life lacking that thing for any amount of time, the universe still has evidence I was working around it and doing the best with what I have.
And I've been in your situation multiple times with people in my house. It's definitely hard. Pray every day, all day as you go along, for yourself and the people in the house. And then write the wishes you have around the people in your household, and write how things would be if you had your wishes, and then write what the obstacles are to having those wishes be true, and then you can probably see one step you can take to move toward having your wish more.
I fully support the idea, my friend. I'll try, because it's not difficult for me to write; you've been doing it with increasing intensity. I might put in the effort and try.
@Franse
Learning to cultivate self-gratitude can be tough, but I think a good starting point is acknowledging and accepting yourself exactly as you are. Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that it’s okay to have flaws and imperfections, and that you’re doing the best you can. Try journaling about things you’re thankful for each day, no matter how small they may seem. As for your environment, I think recognizing that you have the power to create a different reality is key.