WHY?...

memories attacked me today and my eyes won't stop crying even If I wanted to. The memory of my mom slapping me in front of our relatives while I was already crying my fathers hurtful words that day hit me like a truck once again once again.

Why does every gathering feel like they're targeting me and purposely leaving me out. I have always felt this way since I was a kid, even when they gather on my birthdays. I don't feel celebrated, I feel humiliated, I feel judged, embarrassed and left out. My relatives would criticize me for the smallest mistakes and my parents just tell them more about how terrible I am... I am just trying my best...

When I meet new people I struggle to get along well with them.. I always feel like there's a free trial and if that trial ends they'll leave me.. they'll replace me.. am I really that hard to love? When I am talking to someone I couldn't help but think they hate me when they seem too quiet or something just feels off, I feel like the trial has ended. I hate being abandoned and I am constantly being abandoned.

When I was a kid my mom would take her anger out on me. And when I make ny dad mad it felt like the world is ending. He'd hit me with a hanger god knows how much hangers he broke hitting me. I'd cry, cry and cry but it seemed worthless so I learned to cry silently and comfort myself.

Everyday I feel like I am being controlled and judjed just by being alive.. My parents would criticize me for being too fat or too skinny, for Having acne, for having dandruff and making choices. Everyday when I try to explain stuff to them it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall they won't listen and yell at me more. Because of this I always overthink when I try to do something..

When I was a kid, most of the time my mom would forbid me from playing with my cousins. So I stare at the window alone in a room where my tears go unnoticed. I have been left out since I was a child. Left out by my own family. I have grown apart from my cousins... I am envious of them because they're close and they look happy every gathering.. while I am just there.. always standing on everyones shadows.. when I feel slightly left out I would distance myself as far as I could just too keep myself safe from that feeling again.. I have stopped trying already Im tired of trying to be seen...

Every night since I was a kid I woukd cry and cry and cry until I couldn't anymore. It's soo draining to be alive...

I have been betrayed by my own family and friends... What have I done to deserve this? Why is it soo hard to atleast acknowledge me? Why is it soo hard to love me? Why? Why? Why?