What is this?
Am I accepting too much? Bare minimum? Lately, it seems I’m being passively body shamed. I’ve recently lost at least 15 pounds. Not the healthiest way. Stress. Depression. Anxiety and more. I didn’t think I looked horrible. But almost, at every low key moment my husband says things like. “Going to the gym couldn’t be the worst thing.” Or “Oh, that skirt, makes you look thin”.
I try not to take it personally. But I’ve had two babies. With the same rare metabolic genetic disorder. And have been told by even strangers that I look, great”. Whether I believe it or not. Why would your husband continually shame me?
@blueHouse663
Is your husband in good shape? Why i ask is i took up an exercise routine lost weight gained confidence etc and spouse would say things he SAYS he thought were nice or helpful but was just mean. perhaps he is worried you looking better may bring notice from someone else?
Example: I had neighbors stop and say "you look great we noticed all the walking etc you have done and good for you"
What husband says : "too bad it does not come off in certain areas" " i know you would like tummy flat"
I was so mad / confused why did he not support me why say something like that.... Then i realized he was NOT in shape...... doing nothing about it .......wants me to be overweight sitting watching TV with him instead of doing things.... it was all ABOUT him .
No, he is not. He’s almost a full 10 years older than me. Dad bod (belly). Balding. Doesn’t work out. Never have known him to. That’s so wild! Because essentially I get the same kind of thing. He dresses it as it’s a concern of mine to look nice so he thought he’d be helpful by offering options. Last week. He mentioned while I wasn’t even talking about my body specifically that when I got up in a dental office that, essentially I had cellulite. We were home by this point. And asked me to stand up. I said, “oh, boy are you about to judge/critic me right now.” He did say, that he didn’t see what he thought he saw earlier when he asked me to stand up. But because I mentioned weeks prior “if I loose this belly pudge/flabby skin, I’d be ok, right?” He says, “don’t couldn’t hurt to hit the gym.” I just don’t get it. And like you said it has to be about him. His own insecurities. I even mentioned later, like you know I care a lot about my appearance. And to just say these things it feels like it’s a deeper rooted issue. Disdain? Hate? Because, I was previously 169. I’ve been told that I don’t even wear weight unwell. As I’ve always been rather muscular. Due to stress and anxiety. I’m at 155. 5 pounds away from my goal. And still, it seems not enough. He claims to always compliment me. Not true. If I get one. It’s said in a joking tone. Or sly like. I feel like if I did hear more positive things from here. I wouldn’t feel so rocked by the scrutiny.
@blueHouse663
Yep I hear what you are saying mine never compliments me unless it has a dig too... I no longer care as i told him plenty of others compliment me. This is a childish BS.... trying to make us feel small about ourselves to inflate their ego...... so worried about themselves and want us to feel lucky to have them ( mine is 7 yrs older how weird is that).
I told him he always made me feel like a wallflower at a dance and i am lucky he is spending time ... Never true. i finally told him look at yourself i can do much better.
lol I’m so happy you did. Are you guys married? Any children? It’s not that I entirely care as much as things I don’t understand truly baffle and bother me. Is that crazy?
@blueHouse663
been together for decades married about 7 years ago worst mistake ever
our kids are grown and moved out ... i wish sometimes i never met him. the reality is he was not always the big A** he is now and he does not share what led him down the jerk path he has chosen.
I get it i am baffled by the things mine does i cannot fathom facing it but feel lots better knowing he has no longer any effect. i knwo who i am and do not need his opinion. he did that all on his own.
Do you really feel like it was a mistake? I totally hear you. I’ve always tried to live my life unapologetically and without regret. But I think I might be at that same place. Other than my beautiful baby boys I’m finding it hard to see the point. I wanted compassion. Loyalty and unwavering love. I’m seeing he clearly doesn’t have that for me. I think if he truly did, despite how he “thinks/operates” he would go beyond his norm, because of the love I wish he had for me. He’ll say things like I never wanted to be married. I never knew what marriage entailed. But openly told me once he considered marrying and ex of his. Due to “feeling welcomed by her family” and “he was running from the law, and it made sense”. He doesn’t see how that’s hurtful at all. Instead says, this is why I don’t talk.
@blueHouse663
I think more then a few people think about regret of marriage > it may be more of just thinking things would be different. In my opinion actions speak louder then words... words stick so when talking of should have married an ex does not get forgotten with a nice trip or good weekend.
I used to tell myself "it was OK I had kids and in general i would not wish that away" .......now that is not consolation anymore. I think a person deserves someone who does not play petty games and backhands every statement to be snotty.
@blueHouse663 I understand that new changes in your body can be hard to deal with. Is there certain things that you feel triggered by, or is it mainly your husband's remarks?
I honestly know that my body will never be the same as it was. Not making excuses but with the rare metabolic genetic disorder my children have it caused a lot of changes and hardships for them. I was at my biggest w my second child. I feel triggered, by a lot of things. Mainly the lack of support. Consistency. Belonging and compassion. His remarks just bring me to a place of remembrance. Not growing up with either one of my parents, not knowing them. Not having the option to even remotely have a foundation no matter how good or bad the outcome really *** with me. Now in my marriage, I feel retriggered. Not enough. Unworthy. I needed this marriage to work. As I took the biggest risk thinking he’d be different than the other guys. Stuff like this. Drinking and getting belligerent/physical with me. Demeaning me and coloring me as the bad person or reason for it, not only confuses me but crushes me.
Relationships scare me honestly. We get hurt from where we expect most love ...
@blueHouse663
Thank you so much for sharing something so personal that takes a lot of courage. 💛 It sounds like you’re feeling hurt and maybe confused by the way your husband talks about your body. That can be incredibly painful, especially when it comes from someone close. Many people find it hard when their bodies are commented on, even if others see them differently. It’s completely okay to feel upset or uncomfortable about that. Your feelings matter, and it’s okay to talk about them here. I’m really glad you reached out. It’s not easy to open up, and this could be a step toward understanding what you need and how you want to be supported. You’re not alone in this.