Burning
I'm not sure I can keep up. I might have to step back a bit. Not disappear, I could never do that. But this feels unsustainable. I feel I'm burning sometimes.
I'm sorry if I've overstepped. I'm just eager. But I recognise this and will do my best to change. I just feel a responsibility to help.
@cyanessence
Maybe I do need to completely disappear.
No you don’t <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
I'll stay for sure, but only as long as I'm not causing harm!
Why would you be causing harm?
@jesusredeemedme2425
I'm terribly inexperienced in many ways. My help may not actually be help. I feel I try too hard sometimes, offer false hope. Hence my desire to step back, recalibrate.
You think we all don’t feel like that?
@jesusredeemedme2425
That broadens my perspective. It's a burden and a blessing, helping. It can be really tough. I feel a lot for supporters.
You need to be here to be supported and loved.
@cyanessence Hey there! I’ve seen a few of your posts recently, hoping you maybe recognize my name a little so I’m not bombarding you out of nowhere. ☺️
Would you like to share more of what’s going on in your thoughts? It sounds like things here? You don’t need to get into specifics or names. I recognize some of what you describe in myself, so I wanted to reach out.
Your posts are always very deep and thoughtful. There’s a lot of value in them for many people you might not even realize read them. (Raising my hand!)
Breaks are always good as needed. I take them when I get overwhelmed here. Could be a couple hours or a few days. There can be lots of invisible interpersonal goings-on here that people aren’t aware they’re doing. That, together with the reward center in our brains, and compassion burnout (just learned about that) can make us need to step back and regroup in the non-digital world. But I hope you won’t disappear. It sounds like (forgive my if I’m wrong) something you feel you need to do externally rather than something you need for yourself?
I hope you don’t mind me replying.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Your reply was all I really needed. Someone to see I was hurting. I felt invisible for a second, fell victim to lack of patience and sought validation like a fool. I'm embarrassed.
I don't want to cause hurt. I take a great risk trying to help others, I know taking action can cause more harm than good. But I don't think I can not try. I just won't selectively out of respect. For myself and the other.
I like writing. I can only do it honestly. I remember how hollow I felt when I abandoned my passion, and I'm really trying to be a better person so I will not give up. But the universe seems determined to test me, and so I will learn from what happened here and move on.
I wish I could somehow fix things, but it's not in my hands any more. I just appreciate what was. I have another scar, but it just tells another story. I'm sick of depressive thinking. I stopped doing that and I will not entertain it any further. I cannot force understanding. My only option that causes the least harm is silence. That will likely still hurt, but it gives room for things to end naturally.
I'm not sure what else to say... this is traumatic. I cried. I am still processing. But I'm happy to be doing just that. I will live by what I say to others as I see no other way forward to a brighter future.
Thanks for responding. It's like you got there in the nick of time.
I'm sorry for what happened. I can't explain it, I can't remember it. It makes me think there is a glitch in reality itself.
@cyanessence Please don’t feel embarrassed or like a fool. It surprised me that you said that, I never saw your post that way at all. We all have moments I think where we need to reach out in the heat of things. I have many times. That is what human relationships are for, grounding each other and offering different perspectives. (Or just reminding of the same perspectives when we get overwhelmed.)
I hope you might stay open to the possibility that you haven’t done anything wrong. There’s a lot of information here, all in writing, no ability to see/hear each other. Misunderstandings seem inevitable.
I hope much good comes to you today. ❤️
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
The fact I got a sudden influx of response just when I needed it is enough. More than enough. My day will be meaningful.
I really don't know what went wrong! I don't know where the fault lies. I refuse to blame them and I refuse to blame myself so I have no option but to blame a God I barely believe in. I see the value in faith!
@cyanessence I understand what you’re saying. I get angry with God too, and some days my faith falters. Perhaps there isn’t necessarily fault in each situation. Maybe things just happen for some purpose we can’t see. (Which, to me, has always been a sucky answer, I apologize.) I can tell you though, now I’m older there are so many situations that made me downright sick to my stomach at the time and in despair, but ended up directly leading me to a better situation I could have never imagined. I feel life is like a Magic Eye picture, where I see one thing or part of the picture, but then suddenly my view changes and I see something completely different. (Disclaimer: That hasn’t always stopped me from getting depressed. There are still too many things I cannot see any reason for. But I’m hopeful someday I will understand.)
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
That sentence, that things may happen for a purpose we can't see, actually brings great comfort. It allows me to detach, stop seeking certainty. It's calming. Thanks for that.
It is kind of like a Magic Eye I feel. We're looking at something and it feels meaningful, but we can't quite make things out. I like to believe it will all make sense in time, I cling to that hope for dear life!
@cyanessence your words have always given a very humble and caring vibe.. do you want to share any of your thoughts that are giving you so much pain?
@Creamyyy
I wrote most of it out in another comment, but I will add: it feels like I'm breaking at the seams. I doubted myself, but I can't hold onto that because that *will* break me. Forgive and forget as they say.
I feel seen and heard. I don't deserve such kindness. It's uncanny how when I needed help people just showed up! Thank you sincerely.
@cyanessence You are not a fool to seek validation neither are you undeserving of kindness. Living in a society we all belong together. Our journeys were never meant to be solitary. We seek support from people as we require and give support as we yearn to do. You belong with everyone - with your merits and flaws, with your joys and pains. Just like others belong with you!
@Creamyyy
I will admit: I lost myself for a second. I gave into depressive thoughts. But you teach me the value in reaching out.
I don't just want to help, I want to belong. I used to hide from the world but it's hollow.
You really helped me out here (and elsewhere). I will radically accept things for what they are.
I appreciate your posts and comments. Please don’t disappear.
There is a lot of heavy posts with a lot of different emotions and reading them all can feel overwhelming or at least it did to me.
Do you feel you need to help everyone or are you worrying you’re coming off too strong?
@frankSummer9049
I won't disappear ^^ I will just temper myself. All part of learning patience and kindness.
The topics here can be heavy but I feel like I'm in a good spot to process them with a healthy level of detachment. I am only human though, I can't detect the subtle cost to me. I know if I'm not careful it will consume me.
I only want to make small differences here and there, gently and kindly. I perhaps tried too hard and got too close. I know it's not my duty to help, I just can't help it. But I have to help myself now.
Thanks for caring, you made a real difference today.
@cyanessence you are my friend and my philosophical muse, you keep me guessing and learning and interested 💜🥰 and you don't harm at all, none of us perfect, we can all be clumsy or unaware of what to say at times, but as long as we are kind and trying, that's what matters most and you have kindness in abundance, and do you know how I know that? (Apart from the fact I'm inevitably wise and charming 😁), it's because you are and have been through the hardest of times but yet you are still reaching out to make sure others feel heard, you are a good person 💜🥰
@Amanda84
Thanks! Smiling like an idiot xD the first thought I had when my depression vanished was: can others do this too? It was a dark, dark time, a long tunnel with only a pinpoint of light.
I'm still learning which words are kind. You help a lot with that!
@Amanda84
Your are my friend and philosophical muse too!
Hey, Not really sure how this works, but I really need someone to talk to
We got you! We’re here for you. I’m Kiara. What’s going on? <3
@vnaessaxo
I am happy to talk with you. There are many here that would happily do so. Wherever feels comfortable, can be here, can be in a fresh thread. You might get more visibility and perspective with a thread dedicated to you though.
Share your story friend. There are so many here for you!
@vnaessaxo Hey there! If you write in any thread and tag our usernames (just put an “@“ in front of each name), we can find your posts anywhere. We’d be happy to hear from you. ❤️
@cyanessence ye, I feel rather sophisticated being called a muse 😁
@cyanessence Hey Cyanessence.... Thank you for being so open. I hear you completely and I want you to know there's no need to apologize. Your care, your eagerness, your sense of responsibility—it all comes from such a beautiful place. But you’re human too and you deserve space to breathe without guilt. If things feel unsustainable, stepping back a bit is not only okay—it’s wise. It doesn’t mean you’re disappearing.... it means you’re tending to your own fire before it burns out. That’s not selfish—it’s essential. I feel like that sometimes too so I really do understand if you need space or need to step back for a while. Please take care of yourself in whatever way you need.
But if you're stepping away because you feel like a burden or because pain is making you want to isolate yourself—please don’t go through it alone. Talk to someone. Talk to us. Talk to me or you can even talk to a listener. This is a community and you’re a part of it. We're here for each other.... not just in the good moments but especially when things feel heavy. You matter and you're not a burden—ever. Take care <3
@azurePond
Thanks for this! I'm feeling much more energised now. I do experience problems with emotional regulation, which is something I do need to talk about eventually.
Thanks for reminding me I'm part of a community. I often forget I can lean on others... I have reached out with some things like grief & loss, but when it comes to myself, I forget myself!
If anything comes up again, I will definitely reach out, whether that be to a listener, a therapist, or the wonderful community. I need to take care of myself if I'm to help at all, and as that's all I really want to do, I should be a priority.
You've boosted my self-esteem a lot today friend <3
@cyanessence I’m really glad to hear that — you deserve to feel supported and energized. Emotional regulation is such a tough, ongoing thing and the fact that you're aware of it and open to talking about it already shows so much strength. It means a lot to know this space reminded you that you’re not alone. You absolutely are part of a community — and we’ve got your back.... even when you forget to have your own. It’s so easy to show up for others and forget to include ourselves in that same care but I love what you said: you have to be a priority if you want to keep showing up meaningfully. Keep holding that truth close, and please do reach out whenever you need to — you never have to carry things alone. And thank you for your honesty and heart. Sending you so much love, my friend <3
