Think of The Past
My high school days were lonely. I was a lone wolf.
Sometimes I think back and wish I was much more assertive, talkative, and less afraid. Sometimes I think back and wonder why. Sometimes I think back and wish somebody wouldn’t give up on me. Keep bugging me. Keep saying hi to me. Keep coming around.
I look back and wonder, why I never click with people. Why I never had what others have? I didn’t want to go to party. I didn’t want to be the popular one. I just want a group of friends. I just want people I can say hi to, sit at lunch with, don’t feel awkward with, people that attend events with me, people that encourage and drag me to outings, people I can do things with…
I did not have it back then and I still don’t. Sometimes, I wonder why. Am I so unlucky in term of relationships?
I don’t want to and I don’t believe it. But it is quite hard to keep that mindset when it is before my eyes.
I feel the exact same way. I can’t seem to wrap my head around why I have not been able to get there. Do I expect too much from other people? To me it seems like no one is interested in just spending quality time and having engaging, fun or lively conversations. Eating good food, coffee. It is on TV… But I don’t see that in real life. There’s always something else beneath the surface, somewhere else to go, to get, to imbibe, to gossip, to shop… and it’s always one person talking, unloading, while the other just sits there and takes it.
that’s my experience at least.
i hope you find a friend, a true friend. Really I do, because I have been calling myself a loner since I was a small child, and I still am.
@memyselfandmoth
Yea I ask myself the same question. That maybe I am just asking too much from other people.
I hope the same for you.
Few days before, we had the last day of our high-school, "A farewell party". I was supposed to give a speech, which I messed up terribly. I just can't get rid of those feelings and felt down all the day. Negativity took over me.
And I don't have anyone to say as a best friend. Though I do have a bunch of friends, with whom I spend my days. They tried to console me and said like "nothing went wrong, just go with a flow." But, I didn't feel better.
It would hv been better if they stay over there for some more time and tell me some good things. But, they just left. I tried to get along them, but they more like ignored me. And that's when I felt, even after all these years of school, I didn't get a single one, who would stay with me all the tough times. Maybe I was not more into invest time in relationships but it feels painful, when you don’t have anyone by your side.
Coming home, I saw my social media flooded with posts and stories of farewell. Well, I was not there in any of the photo. Maybe if I just smiled, talked to everybody, though I didn't want to, I might not hv felt this way now.
@warmheartedCamp3360
It is good that you're reflecting on your relationship. It is okay. This isn't the end. You will meet more people in life. Use your past experience to help you strength your current or new relationship.
About your speech - we are our harshest judge. Let time flow and you might feel better. You can even look at it and work on improving. Failure doesn't mean forever.
I hope the best for you.
@Mdreaming101 I feel you. I felt like I was reading my own words. I dont know why people don't like me. I'm harmless. I'm not particularly interesting or lovely to spend time with I guess. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to. I have trust issues now and can't even open up to others
@RainyDays2020
Sometimes I wonder if I have trust issue too. I can talk about myself, but later I'll regret it or feel bad about it. Sometime in the middle of sharing, tear wet my eyes and I find this the weirdest because the topic may be sensitive to me but nothing I'll cry over.
I had a co-worker told me once that I am very cautious and serious. Sometimes later, I laughed so hard at a dark humor and she was speechless cause she had not seen me laugh like that before. She thought I was incapable of it since I don't tend to open up. Little thing like this tell me, my friendliness doesn't always come out as friendliness or kind or whatever I had in mind. So I think it is not because you're not interesting or lovely. Maybe we just express ourselves differently and people can't catch on to that.
Sometimes I think I cherish my friendship too strongly but it isn't the same to others making me feel I can be replaced (this did happen to me). Even to this day, I still wish for the friend who will cherish me and call me up. That even after many months and years of not seeing each other, we can talk as if it was just yesterday, picking up right where we left off. Well wishing isn't reality.
Either way, I hope the best for you and hope you will find a friend - friends too. :)
@Mdreaming101 I never really made any friends when I was a kid. I still don't know how to make friends now. I'm just meant to be alone I guess.
Despite my thought and how sad I am about my lack of friendship, I do not think you are meant to be alone.
I wish you well.
RainyDays, we are not meant to be alone. Loneliness and isolation are detrimental. We need connection.
I think many of us find it hard to make friends. I just learned how my codependent behavior causes people to be repelled by me. That’s people-pleasing, talking over ppl bc I’m excited, acting like a know-it-all without realizing it, and so much more. I didn’t realize my own behavior was the culprit.
Right now, I’m learning to first stop those behaviors and be mindful when I do meet ppl to ask them questions, focus on them, rather than interrupting with more “me,” and learning to be a better listener. These are the opposite behaviors of the ones above that I didn’t even know I was doing.
Might this help you in some way determine how you are coming across to people? Might you be doing something off-putting that you don’t realize? Once I saw all of this, I felt depressed, but I also realized this I can change! This I can control. That made me feel much better about my future and having healthy relationships one day. I wish the same for you!
I've been very alone. I don't get a good feeling from people. No one seems to care for anyone else.
I think a lot of people do care. Sometimes you just need to meet the right person at the right time to have a little chat. If they are willing to open up, they will talk. A few years back, I left campus to get lunch downtown and a homeless man by the bench greeted me. I returned the greeting and asked how he was doing. That spiral into him telling me he was an alcohol addict, what he did to his brother’s boat when he was last drunk, and was about to check himself into the police station for something he did during Halloween. The next time I saw him, I greeted him and he asked me how I knew his name. Ha - he didn’t remember me but I didn’t care.
I wish you well.
@Mdreaming101
Find a group then..
You are expecting people to invite you to join them
Join a group that will have the kind of people who don't want to party. A group centred around some activity, like writing or maybe some game, like chess or something artistic perhaps
Find an interest, join a group that is centred around that interest
Passively waiting for a group of like-minded friends to materialise is not realistic
@Themaninblackxxx
I did try. I joined clubs. I did activities. Nothing really clicks. I did chat with people. I invited people out to lunches. I have tried and then it became very tiring because it was just always me calling people, trying to organize hang out. Sometimes people flake out. Sometimes people prefer other people. Everyone said I was friendly but nothing like BFF since my childhood friend passed several years ago. When they asked for help, if I can, I help. Heck, I even drove a classmate friend to her wisdom extraction appointment 1.5 hours away pushing back all my schedule for the evening after her friends wouldn't miss a day of class for her. It is just sad thinking back.
That's how it has always been. Me taking the active approach to make friends. Then nothing click. Now I am tired of trying so I'm thinking and reflecting, lost in the past. Letting what comes, comes and what goes, goes.
Thanks for reading all that and responding.
Its so easy to get wrapped up in a mindset and get stuck on it. I used to be incredibly hard on myself too for being awkward and shy growing up. I was actually avoidant, I avoided people before they could reject me. I thought that I could do everything alone and I thought it was weak to want friends. Well it’s not, it’s a human need. Looking back I was doing the best I could with the resources I have. It’s never too late to start doing the things you want.
It is just like me to be wrapped in a mindset and get stuck on it cause i think i never really got over it. I grew up wanting friends, really good friends. By high school, I came to accept I am alone and the only thing I can do is be strong about it. To be so strong that even if I don’t have them, I’ll be alright. I know I cannot win a battle alone, but when I don’t much of a choice I can only go alone. I do come to the same conclusion too - doing the best with the resource that was given.
Thank you for reading and responding.
Just a message here. Not advice in any way. I was thinking about this today and doing some research on some areas I’m struggling with in my life. Today I went to an event that was hard to go to. I could have sooo easily turned away from everyone, kept my gaze down, kept my thoughts in my head, trying to find the ways that people might show me they don’t like me. But, just for today, I just listened. I really, really listened. At first it felt unusual. It felt hard, weird, to try and care about a conversation. I’ve always thought of myself as a good listener. Today though, I learned that I have not been for a long time now. It’s not because I am judge-mental, or because I don’t care. It’s because I’m afraid. Terrified. I know, logically, that there are a lot of people who might happily talk with me, be my friend even. But it’s been so much easier to write everyone off, to not give them a chance, to decide they dislike me, because I simply do not want to be hurt. I was amazed today as I listened closely, and responded and tried, tried to engage, that I was met with little to no resistance. I am exhausted now. But I also feel that I have learned a lesson because shields and walls work wonderfully until all the resources you have inside run dry.
just my experience and thoughts on my crazy week and my crazy day and my crazy life
I am glad that you are learning and engaging with other people! ☺️
Socializing can be really exhausting so take plenty of rest!
Mdreamin101,
I know why I was messed up in high school, but I’m only realizing it at 51. My mother was a narcissist. She was neglectful, moved me around a lot, never taught me how to make friends or self-love, she made me the devil so she could be a victim, rejected me, avoided me, and made me a shy, introverted person who never trusted but wanted love desperately from any man who looked my way.
Now that I know this, I see why I was the rebellious girl who did the opposite of what she said. I knew but didn’t know. My whole life I was replacing her with more people like her. They treated me the same. I’m learning how to end bad relationships and take more time with myself and getting to know others, drop codependent behaviors, and have more self-respect. I only wish I had realized all this sooner
However, I’m not dead!! I have a lot of life left for this new me to prosper and thrive! That’s my focus now, as *** hard as that is.
What do you know about how your parents raised you? Might that have been the reason you were lonely? Maybe you also didn't understand how this affected you. Maybe looking back on that can help you now to realize how healing that part of you, your inner child, can change everything for you currently.
@Mdreaming101
Not sure why I felt motivated to respond to this. Not an impulsive person.
BUT
Thinking of the past, and then thinking of school. ...nothing positive\good comes to mind.
I was what was called a "Grub", spelling is probably off for never seen it written which is interesting.
Grub's or hoodlum, low life, punk, rebel, or low social status versus the "Jocks" or the upper social status or elites and popular folk.
My School - They were all judgmental, hypocritical , and ignorant.
Teachers were not good motivators, bullies, and hateful. In addition to stating things like "you aren't smart enough."
Peers were nasty, hateful, disrespectful. Use to push me around and cause many issues.
Principals use to say I would never amount to anything. But they were ignorant also. I was always in the right place at the right time for all things negative. AND I was already labeled before I entered the world.
What didn't help was my older siblings, they left a blazing trail or high intelligence, superior skill, good looks, and charisma to get them out of trouble.
Needless to say, I have learned and to expect everyone to be stupid, ignorant, and selfish.
Decades and several degrees later, I am pleasantly surprised when I meet someone whom doesn't meet my expectations. I am also pleased to have NOT meet anyone from the period of my life. But also I am nowhere near where I grew up.
I wonder what I would feel if I came across some of those people.
But let me get refocused since I took this course.
To have wondered what I would have done differently,
If I were to have thrown the first punch? Would I have been left alone more?
If I would have argued more with the teachers I was right with <Fill the blank>.
I was never coordinated, so sports was out of the question.
If I were more outgoing ... WAIT,
if I were ... Would I be whom I am today?
I Don't think I would be whom I am today,
If we were all the things we were when we look back at the past, would that change who we are today?
Today I am a (old cranky) grandparent with great kids and great grand kids with a great spouse (Not because they put up with this cranky old person).
So naw I would rather have the BS of the stupid people and know I have whom is here and with me today.
Thank you for spawning a thought.