I miss my dad (tw incarceration, drug use)
my dads been in and out of prison since I was 7 years old and even before that he had shared custody so it wasn't like he was a major part of my life but I miss him so much and it hurts so bad.
I know he chose drugs over me. but I cant help but cry every time he calls because he calls me everything he used to say when I was little and for a moment it feels like he's there and he's my dad again and not just some voice over the phone.
I miss him so much and I'm trying not to cry while writing this. but its complicated because what do I really miss about him? I barely remember my childhood so what is it I want??
I think I just want him there? I guess? just to have a father figure and a parent who shows affection. my mom doesn't like really showing affection and her boyfriend is just.. there. he doesn't want to be a dad and he doesn't try to act like one.
idk why I'm writing this out of nowhere. he hasn't even called today its just.. blahh.
I feel entitled for saying I wish I had a dad because I DO its just.. he's not there. and it hurts. I should be used to it. I'm 14 now. I'm gonna be 15 soon. I need to get over it and I'm too old to want a super loving parent again. but I just feel so jealous of all the other girls that still have that. I just want my dad back. but I'm not gonna get him back until I'm in my 20s to 30s. I feel like I got something stolen from me. I just want to feel loved. I miss my dad so much.
tangent over. advice welcome if you feel like it :) if not I understand and its ok to skip :)
@cammyleigh123
Hey Cammy. I am sorry to hear that your father has been in and out of prison for a huge chunk of your life. I can understand how even though he only had shared custody, you still miss him and this hurts. He is your father at the end of the day. I know how painful it is to have a parent choose drugs over being a parent. I understand how the phone calls can be upsetting as you can't help but think about how he used to be and become nostalgic about it all. You're very strong, sharing this, writing this, it is okay to cry, if you cried, it is okay. It is understandable that you just want your father to be there, to be present and show affection to you. I am sorry to hear that your mother doesn't really give affection, and her boyfriend is not a father figure.
It might feel like you wrote this out of nowhere, but it sounds like you have been sitting with these big emotions for a while now. I am proud of you for writing them down rather than holding all these feelings inside. I am sorry that your father has not called today, I hope that he calls you for your sake.
You are not entitled at all for saying you wish you had a dad. While your father is alive, he has not been much of a dad to you. You don't have to get over it. You deserve to have a present, loving dad. I understand where the jealousy comes from. It is hard to see the other girls have a dad while your dad has been taken by drugs and prison. I know it must be hard to know that you might not have him in your life until then. I totally get that you feel like you had your chance with your father stolen from you. You deserve to feel loved and it okay to miss your dad.
I recommend looking for a Nar-Anon group. This is Narcotics Anonymous for Families and is the family companion to Narcotics Anonymous. It is worldwide, free, and open to all whose lives have been impacted by someone else’s drug use, regardless of whether that person is clean or not. Maybe check here.
@Remina
thank you for your kind words :) I will definitely check out the nar-anon group. thank you for listening and sharing your advice
@cammyleigh123
You are welcome. I hope that you are able to find a group that you can attend and that you find that as time goes by, the pain doesn't hurt all the time. You are also welcome to message me.
