Things People Who Have ADD/ADHD Wish You Knew
If this is part of your life story, please share your insights! What would you like the rest of us to learn? What should we know about people in this community? How would you like people to interact with you? Should people ask questions? What’s the best way for people to learn about this? Do you have any resources (books, movies, YT videos, etc) that will give us greater understanding and empathy and kindness toward people who experience the same things you do?
If you’re not on this journey, we welcome you to listen, learn, and ask respectful, good-faith questions! Open-ended questions are highly encouraged, as they give people the space to share their unique experiences in their own words. While this is a safe space to learn about things you’ve never experienced, please remember to be sensitive, and avoid sharing harmful stereotypes or debating someone's lived reality. If you have a question, ask it with empathy. If someone gently corrects you, please be open to learning. Let's have a gentle, fun, friendly conversation where we support one another, because it takes all sorts to make a world!
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I’m adding a taglist to start, but this post is open to absolutely everyone! <3
Our lovely community director, @Heather225, came up with the idea for this post! She has ADHD herself (and yes, she gave me permission to share that)! <3
Hello!
I'm not officially diagnosed yet, but I've suspected I have inattentive ADHD for a number of years at this point. I first started questioning it when I was about 22 and already most of the way through college.
With that in mind, my answer to this thread is...
ADHD is not always the class clown bouncing off the walls. It might also be the quiet, nerdy kid who finished all their work early and gets in trouble for reading or drawing during class while waiting on everyone else to catch up. They just happen to be good at locking in and hyperfocusing on academic tasks which makes them fly under the radar. Sometimes for their entire childhoods and well into adult life.
It doesn't stop them from struggling with time management; they'll procrastinate assignments and pull all-nighters to magically make it seem "done." They might struggle with emotional maturity and managing relationships with peers who are ahead of them for reasons they don't understand. They might have a messy backpack, desk, or bedroom but no matter how many times they're told "You can get away with this now but not when you're in college," they can't quite keep it tidy. They might sit quietly in class and not cause trouble but their brain is firing at 100 miles a minute on the inside thinking about everything but the current lesson.
Oh, another less talked about ADHD thing: rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).
RSD isn't exclusive to ADHD, but it is heavily related to the emotional disregulation patterns that are common in people with ADHD. Certain ADHD medications can help with managing RSD symptoms. In spite of this, RSD sometimes isn't taken seriously in mental health communities as an ADHD-related symptom, but it is absolutely real and needs to be studied more. Once I learned what it is, what causes it, and ways to manage it, it was life-changing for me.
So what is RSD? It's extreme sensitivity to social rejection to the point of experiencing physiological symptoms like anxiety, poor sleep, gastrointestinal issues, etc as well as severe emotional reactions and mental health spiraling. The rejection can be real or perceived, meaning it doesn't even have to be real if you just think someone is mad at you but don't know for sure and are stressed enough about it.
The effects are often very quick to onset in white-hot flashes of rage or crippling despair. It can cause someone suffering with it to lash out badly at their loved ones to the point of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy ("I wasn't actually mad at you before, but now I am since you're suddenly taking this out on me for reasons I don't understand" from the person on the receiving end), or to withdraw and self-isolate to avoid further pain. ("No one can upset me if I just slowly stop going to these social events that make me feel bad")
Common causes of RSD are exclusion and feeling left out from friend or peer groups, criticism or poor feedback in work or academic environments, ambiguous communication (like reading tone poorly over text where it is unclear if the other party is upset), or perceived failure to live up to others' expectations. These are not the only causes though, and something as small as a delayed text message response can be a trigger.
I pushed away a lot of people due to RSD at one time in my life and regret it every day but ultimately grew from it to be a better person for my future friends and loved ones met after that. I regulate by doing a physically stimulating activity when I feel the onset (going on a walk, taking a hot shower, spending time with my pets) and have learned to check myself and sleep on it for a night or two before I ever send a long, harsh, reactive text or email. I've also learned to seek out more secure relationships with people who seldom make me experience these feelings in the first place, and have grown more comfortable with (calm, level-headed, open) communication if something does feel off instead of just expecting the worst and letting it fester.
I hope everyone else battling this symptom can find their peace, too. It is lonely but it can get better.
Yo. You’re describing me right now… O.O
@jesusredeemedme2425
sorry to hear you're going through this 🫂 it can be really rough. If it helps, a lot of the time our brains are mean and amplify the scope of these issues far, far past the reality. And if there really is a problem, usually it can be repaired even if it's overwhelming right now.
My brain is a big meanie. :(
@JackalopesExist
I'd of also balanced with the emotional intensity at the start of friendship that can be overbearing which can then lead onto RSD.
@RunningMachine
yes this is absolutely true!! I don't know if this is the case for you, but for me it's like... getting through that talking stage and not scaring them off, where I overanalyze everything and worry I'm coming off as a weirdo. I can unfortunately wind up very avoidant and assume the worst if I'm not sure how to "read" a new person's communication yet 😓
@JackalopesExist
I recently opened up about 10 year period of my life that I seldom talk or even think about to 2 members as the fears being proved ungrounded. I didn't do it for me as I could of left the pain hidden and contained but the depth of emotions and pain it causes me was quite simply dismissed and it has taught me another lesson in not thinking too highly of people that I felt far too much trust and respect for. My motivation was simply to inspire a member that was struggling that sometimes you can move on from trauma.
I started with an online therapist through Cups last week as my trust in people is scattered and desire to simply isolate again is so tempting.
In case you're not aware the term for it is limerance.
@easyScarf7950
@jesusredeemedme2425 no touchy touch or interrupting when we hyperfocus. Once we take a break it's over
Yessss this lol! I also have autistic hyperfocus. I get cranky when interrupted lol
I believe I have that. Parents and many annoying people, won’t shut up in Spanish. Growing translating for them, and hated it then and do even more now. Could never be diagnosed but I believe I have that and see it in my parents and some of their friends.
Sometimes it feels like chaos in your head. A whirlwind of thoughts flying around but never landing.
@jesusredeemedme2425
alrighty I got sommme
Time blindness! My brain genuinely struggles to perceive the passing of time. An hour can feel like five minutes, and five minutes can feel like an hour.
Emotional object permanence! For me, "out of sight, out of mind" applies to people, too. If you aren't right in front of me or in my daily routine, I genuinely forget to reach out. Just because I haven't texted you in three months doesn't mean I am mad at you, or that I don't care about you. I just lost track of time.
Because my brain doesn't log the passage of time the same way, I don't experience friendship decay. To me, our connection is exactly as strong as it was the last time we spoke. I am always thrilled to hear from you and am ready to jump right back into the friendship, whiiiich doesn't really work for everyone, understandably. 😅
Wait I just had some kind of revelation :0
For the longest time my mom would always ask me if I missed her when I had to leave for a week camp or something, and I would always lies and say yes. I thought something was wrong with me, because I didn’t really think that much about it when she was gone, but I think it’s just that. Thaaaankkkkk youuuuu for putting words to it! <3
More on the time blindness: When I am late, it is almost never because I don't value you or your time. I just consistently underestimate how long tasks will take to get ready, and I struggle to work backward from a deadline to figure out when to start.
If I have an appointment at 2:00 PM, I often cannot do anything else that entire day leading up to it. My brain enters "waiting mode" because I am so terrified of my time blindness making me miss the appointment. Basically, it's all really annoying, but it's never ever personal!
@Heather225
I've worked at the same company for the past 8 years, and I still get too work 40-50 minutes before every shift I simply cannot tolerate being late or the pressure I feel leaving it too the last minute.
