Perfectionism: why it will never feel good enough

Hello lovely Positivity & Gratitude Community! I hope all of you are doing well. Today I would like to talk about something that I have recently read up on. Perfectionism, does the name sound familiar? Sheryl Sandberg says, "Done is better than perfect."

Perfectionism is defined as the wish for everything to be correct or perfect. We all have a steady flow of thoughts that we aren't really aware of most of the time, these are things we think about unconsciously and over time, we become accustomed to a particular way of thinking. As you may know, there are a certain set of core beliefs that we all carry within ourselves ["Your core beliefs are ideas or philosophies that you hold very strongly and very deeply. These ideas are usually developed in childhood or early in adult life."]. So naturally, most perfectionists hold a core belief that they are never good enough and this gives rise to them trying and again, doing more to make something mean more. They start creating unrealistic expectations for themselves, convincing themselves they have to achieve it right at the dot, and when they don't meet these expectations, they reaffirm their core belief of not being good enough since they couldn't do things perfectly, or correctly. This failure of not meeting their own unrealistic expectations feeds their idea of how they will never measure up when in reality, they did achieve something marvellous, they are just too caught up in what lies ahead, of what could be.

I am pretty sure we will all agree that it's much easier to understand others, to forgive them for what they did and for what they did not than it is to forgive oneself. Perfectionists criticize themselves because they really think that's the bare minimum of what they deserve. Consider this scenario:

Elena was looking at her reflection in the mirror and trying to adjust her hair. She is putting a lot of effort into how she is going to present herself in her workplace. However, the alarm on her phone rings indicating she is getting late. "Of course this had to happen, if I didn't look so ugly, I wouldn't have to put in so much effort in looking presentable!" She rushes to get her keys, ensures she has everything and gets into her car. Of course, as fate would have it, there is really bad traffic. "I just can't believe I let myself look ugly like this andddddd manage to get myself stuck in this traffic, classic me!" There were a lot of things she was struggling with already but now she is also going to be late for work, perfect employees should not be late, right? Even when there's traffic, they must find a way to fly their car to the office. "If only I did x, I would have been there on time." At her office, nobody really cares that she got late by 5 minutes, but she sits at her desk and all her inner dialogue is, "I am so terrible, I ruined my whole day just because I could not handle normal things! I just can't be helped!"

Can you relate to this, being so critical of yourself because of how events play out? Not only does Elena see her flaws and things that aren't going her way, but she also blames herself for being "not good enough." As if, everything that is happening around her is the cause of her not being good enough. Often, we believe that if we are self-critical, we'd want to also improve and do better. Sure, that can be the case sometimes, if only we were not so caught up on what's wrong but on what's possible.

What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake, when you fail a test, procrastinate, don't achieve what you wanted, feel not good enough or when you lose your temper? Do you accept and show yourself kindness, or do you become judgemental and harsh with yourself? If you're a perfectionist, you are likely the latter. You may not be even aware of the extent to which you are harsh to yourself because over time it has just become a habit to pick oneself apart.

Let's imagine you just failed a test, instead of saying, "Oh my gosh, I am so dumb. I can't even pass this test because I am not intelligent, I will never be able to master this subject because I am just not good enough for it" say, "I feel embarrassed and disappointed that I couldn't do my best in this test because I have been trying so hard to please my teacher and make my parents proud of me. I will do better next time if I pay attention to what questions I got wrong and make sure to spend extra time on revising those topics." Do you see the difference between the two? Both are different ways to look at the exact same situation but when you are showing yourself self-compassion you allow yourself to be accountable and also understand that you need to be improving on something and that it is okay to take the time and space for it. This is what happens when you are chasing perfection, you always hold yourself to such a position that you feel nobody is there on the same level, that you are somehow inferior to everyone else, so much that you compensate for it by being hard on yourself. When you mess up something (which let me break it to you, is completely normal and human), notice what belief you're feeding, if it is negative, challenge that belief. Practice self-forgiveness. Take positive action and build trust in yourself by holding yourself accountable.

Something I got as my test result for a uquiz I took online, "ah, perfectionist. you are keeping so much in you, this wave that never crests. you are always moving, sharklike, tired to your teeth. you call yourself fortunate, you say - i am blessed to have this. in movies, you spin out, genius destroyed. in the real life, you are poised over a hot stove, wondering if you are good enough to complain about the heat. you are just doing well-enough when you get perfect marks. you are just doing what they expect from you. the only thing that feels good is knowing you forced yourself to do the work. but it is forcing yourself - over and over, a battle that never forgets the light of 2 in the morning. you tell yourself - you can't be a failure if you were never that good to begin with. you don't touch projects. you hate starting things, because what if you're not good enough for them. what if they're hard? what if you fail? you can tell other people you didn't try, you can't tell other people that you didn't measure up. and if you can start, you only get 70% done. you can't turn it in - it's never going to be good enough. oh little vampire bat. it's okay. turn in and go to sleep. it can be half complete. it can be half-good. it can be very, very bad. it just needs to exist. you need to exist, too. make something that feels good to make because making feels good - not because you need to. tell your worry it can wait for the morning. tonight you are forgiving yourself, and that comes with no resentment. you deserve to get it wrong, sometimes. you deserve a rest. and for me, at least. you have always been enough. there is no good, no better, no best. there is just you. and i like you. come home to your nest."
- via inkskinned (Tumblr)

[I may not have the right link, but here's the test that I took if you're interested: https://uquiz.com/quiz/Pr7OWQ/wisdom]

Sources: 1. https://www.dummies.com/health/mental-health/core-beliefs-and-cognitive-behavioural-therapy/ 2. Book called The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism by Sharon Martin

Question. Are you a perfectionist, have you been putting something off because you think you aren't good enough for it? If yes, what do you think you can do today to show yourself compassion?

The point is, people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?