Helping, Fixing, or Serving: What's Your Approach To Supporting?
Hey lovelies!
How is everyone doing?
So today we are going to be talking about how we support each other! Now whether you are a listener here, or an amazing member that supports your peers, how we go about it matters! I recently got to listen to a talk by Rachel Remen and it really resonated with me. So I thought I would share it with you and give my thoughts on how it applies to the stuff we do at cups! Alrighty get ready for lots of words!
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“Helping, fixing and serving represent three different ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. Fixing and helping may be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul.”
Now if i sat down to talk with most of you and asked what your favorite thing about cups is, on a very long list of things you love about cups 😛 helping out members and each other might be on it. Now I know when you first hear this idea, you might think, “wait what? helping is now bad?!” cue the existential identity crisis lol. And I get it, it can sound like just another thing that we are not supposed to say, because I really do love helping people! But I truly believe in taking a minute to reflect on this and to check in with our own intentions around listening and supporting.
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“Serving is different from helping. Helping is not a relationship between equals. A helper may see others as weaker than they are, needier than they are, and people often feel this inequality. The danger in helping is that we may inadvertently take away from people more than we could ever give them; we may diminish their self-esteem, their sense of worth, integrity or even wholeness. When we serve, we know that we belong to life and to that purpose.”
This shift is subtle but powerful. Helping can (without meaning to) place us above someone, like we have the thing they’re missing. But service says: I’m with you. I’ve been there, too. Let’s sit together in this mess for a minute. it’s no longer about swooping in to save the day or handing out advice or finding a solution to the problem. It’s about solidarity. And this isn’t just for listeners. Members, you serve too. You see service isn’t just about what we do, it’s about how we see each other. it’s about recognizing that we’re all walking this life thing together.
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“Serving makes us aware of our wholeness and its power. The wholeness in us serves the wholeness in others and the wholeness in life. The wholeness in you is the same as the wholeness in me. Service is a relationship between equals: our service strengthens us as well as others. Fixing and helping are draining, and over time we may burn out, but service is renewing. When we serve, our work itself will renew us. In helping we may find a sense of satisfaction; in serving we find a sense of gratitude.”
If you have ever felt emotionally wiped out after a chat, well you are not alone, many of us have been there. Burnout is real! Here’s the thing though, when we try to give from a place of pressure or performance, that’s one way we burn out. You start to feel like you have to fix everything, be the perfect supporter, always have the right words, or show up in a way that’s “on.” But guess what? That’s exhausting. And, honestly, not even sustainable. But when we serve from a place of connection, it feeds us. When we serve from a place of connection, suddenly it’s not about giving, and giving, and giving until there’s nothing left. Service isn’t a transaction, it’s a relationship. It’s not "I give, you receive." It’s "We share something meaningful, and both come away fuller." Right? The person we’re supporting feels heard, seen, and valued, but so do we. We walk away from these chats feeling like we've shared something important, something that goes beyond advice or solutions. It’s about presence, compassion, and respect. You might not have the answers, but it leaves both of you feeling connected and understood and happens when we support from a place of authenticity, rather than performance.
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“From the perspective of service, we are all connected: All suffering is like my suffering and all joy is like my joy. The impulse to serve emerges naturally and inevitably from this way of seeing. When we help, we become aware of our own strength. But when we serve, we don’t serve with our strength; we serve with ourselves, and we draw from all of our experiences. Our limitations serve; our wounds serve; even our darkness can serve. My pain is the source of my compassion; my woundedness is the key to my empathy.”
When we serve from the heart, it’s not about presenting a perfect version of ourselves or having all the answers. It's about showing up as we are, imperfections and all. Service reminds us that our imperfections and personal experiences can be our greatest strengths. So many of us come to Cups because we get it. We know what it’s like to struggle, to feel alone, to wish someone would just listen without trying to fix us. They allow us to relate, to listen without judgment, and to meet someone exactly where they are. That’s what makes this role so meaningful. We don’t show up as superheroes with all the answers, we show up as humans and that’s enough.
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“Serving requires us to know that our humanity is more powerful than our expertise. All that fixing and helping left me wounded in some important and fundamental ways. Service is not an experience of strength or expertise; service is an experience of mystery, surrender and awe. Helpers and fixers feel causal. Those who serve have traded a sense of mastery for an experience of mystery, and in doing so have transformed their work and their lives into practice. Only service heals.”
Service and listening isn’t about having power, it’s about being present with your members and peers. It’s about being okay with not having all the pieces and still choosing to sit beside someone in their moment. That’s what makes it healing. Because when we stop trying to control the outcome, we start to experience simply being with someone in their experience. No pressure, no script, just sharing the moment.
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If you would like to read the full version you can see it here
Discussion Questions:
How do you personally tell the difference between fixing, helping, and serving when supporting someone?
What does it mean for you to recognize someone’s “wholeness” when they’re struggling, and how does that change the way you support them?
What's one thing you like to keep in mind when supporting someone else?
@CaringEzra
This was trulyyy wonderful to read, Ezzz, so so inspirational and like you mentioned "a shift in perspective" just how powerful it can be in actually conveying what we wish to express to someone.💜
Love this big time and saving it to reflect more on even on a later date!⭐
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
thanks so much lovely sun! Share pizza 🍕the shift in perspective can be so important, I agree!
@CaringEzra *noms pizza* yay! 🍕🥰
Hey there 💛
Thank you so much for this post—it’s so rich with truth and care. The Rachel Remen quote, alongside your reflections, gave it a whole new depth. That shift from fixing or helping to serving really changes everything, doesn’t it? It invites us to meet people heart-to-heart, not role-to-role. 🌿
How do I tell the difference between fixing, helping, and serving?
I’ve noticed that when I’m “fixing,” I feel tense—I want to solve the issue, and there’s pressure to do it right. When I’m “helping,” I feel like I’m offering something to someone. But when I’m truly serving, I feel like I’m with them. There’s more stillness, presence, and respect. I’m not trying to “do”—I’m just trying to be there.
What does it mean to recognize someone’s wholeness while they’re struggling?
It reminds me that someone can be hurting and still be whole. They’re not broken—they’re human. When I remember this, I approach with less fear and more softness. I stop trying to rescue them and instead, try to hold space for their strength to emerge.
One thing I like to keep in mind when supporting someone else?
That I don’t need to have the right words. Most of the time, people just want to feel safe and seen. So I remind myself: be present, be real, be kind. That’s enough. 🤍
@StrawberryHufflepuff
hey lovely strawberry! Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reflect!
I love what you have written here. I can relate to the pressure that it can feel when trying to fix or help someone. Feels like a lot of responsibility to make sure that a member walks away feeling better. But when serving, feel more grounded and in the moment.
Its so true someone can be in pain, hurting, feeling broken, but they are still whole in our eyes. from the outside perspective we can observe all of their strengths too. we have to hold space for the like you said. its a really nice thing when we can do this.
You is right we dont need the right words, we just want to make the space around us safe and welcoming to the people that we are supporting and serving, sometimes words aren't even needed. just being there,
thanks again for being here, you are awesome <3
@CaringEzra
Thank you CaringEzra! I appreciate you! 🌷🌿🌺
@CaringEzra
Thanks for this amazing heartfelt post cool grandma 🤍🌸
🍓~~How do you personally tell the difference between fixing, helping, and serving when supporting someone?
When starting to think of stuff i wish i did when it's a similar situation, when my own experience gets too involved more than just making sure they know i relate sometimes it maybe small tiny stuff but it makes a huge difference when you notice it and acknowledge it
‿︵‿ 𓇼 ⋆.˚ 𓆉 𓆝 𓆡⋆.˚ 𓇼 ‿︵‿
🌸~~What does it mean for you to recognize someone’s “wholeness” when they’re struggling, and how does that change the way you support them?
We all get hurt we all get broken we all make mistakes we hurt eachother we break eachother we make mistakes it doesn't make a person any less to recognize someone wholeness is to know they did what they could at that moment to be compassionate understanding and just Embrace Thier experience the way it is no blaming not trying to help them or give them advice or give them what may help / be beneficial could just make them feel like " yeah that could work i was too stupid to not think of that" sometimes that's not what they come for sometimes they just need to be understood
‿︵‿ 𓇼 ⋆.˚ 𓆉 𓆝 𓆡⋆.˚ 𓇼 ‿︵‿
🐑~~What's one thing you like to keep in mind when supporting someone else?
It's not your job to save them they didn't come to you for a rescue atm they need someone to listen not to tell them what to do or when they went right or wrong sometimes they're just confused n need a warm light to just light the darkness while they get up n find their way through the pain
‿︵‿ 𓇼 ⋆.˚ 𓆉 𓆝 𓆡⋆.˚ 𓇼 ‿︵‿
@Moonlight52
Hey lovely moony! thanks so much for taking the time to read and think through the questions.
I love how you highlighted the fact that people are not defined by their mistakes, challenges struggles, life circumstances. We all should be seen fully. I see how much you care, and how your experiences can help you relate and understand others.
I too get into this mind set of seeing someones challenges, seeing a path that could be taken, and wanting to guide them to something that might be less painful, but thats not my job, compassion, kindness and just sitting with someone is a better approach. People want be listened to, to all their own pain and messy, but not be judged for it.
I love how you highltieted not having to save someone. Its hard to see a friend, someone you care about in pain, going through impossible situations. we get close to some people here at cups. its not easy, but important to just sit, and listen rather then try to pull them out yourself.
sends some kindness beams your way, thanks for being here! 🫶
@CaringEzra
Yeah it's diff hard to ignore wanting to help when we see the way to go even though it's not our job too but sometimes all we need to is give them a little push and let them decide whether to stay or go the way they are supposed to, sometimes a little push all it takes 🍓🫂🐨
@CaringEzra
Sends huge basket of kiwis and good beams your way 🥝 💕
@CaringEzra wow it was such a good read
@AloyXmachina7786
thanks so much aloy! glad you enjoyed the read <3 hope you have a great day 🌻