Am I the only one?
I didn't realize I was trans until well into my adult life. I have no childhood memories of knowing there's a girl inside me, only a few memories that seem to link to it . One in particular was of a a time when I was given a gift from a male friend at school, possibly a book. As a thank you I remember hugging him. Attached to this memory is "don't do that" or/and "boys don't do that". I don't remember what happened afterwards.
I firmly think at some point when I was young, I suppressed a big part of myself. Meaning I grew up without conscious knowledge of who I am..
I think it also resulted in me having no interest in my appearance or what I wore. Which after finally letting the girl part of me out.. I started to care what I looked like and what I wore . So that's MANY years of not caring. I used to think "only girls care about their appearance", which looking back, was probably one of the ways I hid who I am.
I think it affected other things too, but I'm not sure what due to not remembering much connected to this.
Am I alone in this? Or is there anyone else who also doesn't remember much from childhood and came to realize they're trans in adulthood?
@generousPineapple6613
I hope someone else who went through similar might find the courage to reach out and share with you 💖💜
Sending you my best wishes in the meantime!
@generousPineapple6613 I know you may feel alone and it's hard to connect with people outside of social media, but know this: you are never alone. You just need to give yourself the time and space to find someone who shares your story. I'm willing to share my story to give you some comfort (if you can call it comforting), but know that you are not alone in this journey.
I am also an adult and I didn't learn what the word transgender means until I was 18 years old. I started to question my gender and I did so for years. It took me until I was 22 to finally accept that I am transgender. It felt good to know that I wasn't weird and there's a whole lot of communities out there that I can relate to. It felt good to have a label that fit even if I never showed any "signs of being trans" when I was younger. I just wanted someone to talk to about realizing I am transgender and I found a few family members who listened to me and respected my true gender. It felt amazing to have them by my side.
I know what it's like to use social media or the internet to try to find stories like mine and only finding young teenagers questioning themselves. But even then, I still look at those teenagers' stories and see them progress into adults. Their stories give me hope that I will one day be able to physically transition myself and even if they aren't my age, their stories are still nice to listen to.
Anyways, I hope my story was able to let you know you are not the only one out there. And I hope being on 7cups has helped you connect to others or at least share your story. I wish you the best of luck on your journey in life.
Thanks for sharing @shyChestnut000.
Im sure there are plenty people out there with a similar story to mine, or yours. But coming across them seems hard. It's a very difficult subject to open up about. I still find it hard to talk about it, constantly wondering how people will react.
@generousPineapple6613 I know what you mean. I am only brave enough to share my story through the internet, and even then, I only do so if I am not using my real name or any images of myself. I agree with you, it is hard to talk to people about this kind of thing. I shared my story about me being transgender with a few family members because I trusted them, and they respected me. I am still not brave enough to tell my parents or go to a any kind of LGBTQ+ event in person. I'm always scared of what people will think of me in person, but here on 7cups, I have found a place that is accepting and comforting. I'm willing to keep up this conversation on this thread if you are comfortable talking here. Thank you for reading and replying to my comment.
Thank you for the reply. Yes, I'm ok with keeping up the conversation here.
When I first started to explore my gender and bought my first female outfit. I remember I started noticing things I didn't pay attention to before. For example, if a woman walked past me and I smelt her perfume. I would think to myself "that smells nice, I'd like to try that".... Which was then followed by "WHY AM I THINKING THAT?". It freaked me out.
Did anything like that happen with you once you began to let your inner girl out?
@generousPineapple6613
To tell you the truth, I'm actually transgender male. So I was born female and I wish to transition to male. I grew up with an older brother and I think I was influenced by him. When I played video games with him when we were younger, and my younger sister would be yelling at me, "why won't you paint our nails with me?! Why do you have to be such a boy?!" I wouldn't think much of it, I just thought my younger sister was annoying. But then, when my mom took me shopping, I would be looking at all the boys button up shirts and I would think "I would look handsome in that" and then a second later, my thoughts would turn to "did I just think I want to be 'handsome'? Shouldn't I be thinking 'beautiful'?" I would ask for boys' clothing or to cut my hair, but my mom would say "girls are supposed to dress like girls and your hair is long because you're a girl". This would make me mad, but I just let it go, didn't argue back. So yeah, now that I think about it, there were some moments in my childhood where I thought of myself as a boy. However, it wasn't until I was an adult that I learned what transgender means, and then years later that I realized that title/label feels right to me.
It seems we've experienced similar things. What you felt when you went shopping and saw boys clothes, thinking it would look good on you and then wondering. "did I just think that?", sounds similar to my perfume panic.
I don't recall anytime when I was little that I wanted to dress as a girl. But I do remember playing "families " using different sized Thomas the tank engine toys. Bigger ones for adults and smaller ones for the kids. Perhaps that was a subtle sign?
@generousPineapple6613
I wish I could tell you if what you experienced was a subtle sign or not when you were younger. It appears to be a subtle sign of wanting to be female, but not everything has to be a sign. I wish I would have realized I was transgender when I was younger but I think things might have been worse for me if that happened. I wish we could travel through time and make everything easier since we've seen where things weren't at their best.
I think it's important to remember your past, but I think it's even more important to think about the present and future. What do you identify as now? Are you comfortable with yourself now? Do you want things to change or do you want to change yourself? What do you want to do in the future? What do you dream about?
You don't have to answer those questions if you don't want to. It's just something to think about. For me? I identify as transgender male but am still in the closet most of the time. I am not comfortable with my current female body. I would like things to change so transitioning would be easier, but I believe I will have to suffer and be forced to fit in. I want to get surgery to remove my breasts in the future. I dream about going to my job and being addressed as only male, and no one questions my gender or even thinks of me as female. I dream about a society that is accepting of transgender people and I dream of going to LGBTQ+ events without fear.
Anyways, that was a long blab from me. How are you doing? Do you dress more female every day or is that more of a special occasion? Are you satisfied with life at the moment? Once again, you don't have to answer those questions if you don't want to. It's just something to keep the conversation going.
Thanks for the reply. No need to worry, it's nice to have this conversation with you.
I definitely think that, had I realised when I was little. While it would have been nice to know just for myself. But I can't imagine it would have gone well if I'd tried anything.
I identify as a woman. When I look in the mirror, I see a girl. ....I just have to ensure I don't look at any facial hair .. bleh.
Am I comfortable with myself? I'm comfortable knowing I'm actually a girl. Though I'm not happy having a male body. I think my voice sounds like a woman going through male puberty...
I wish there wasn't so much hate towards LGBTQ. I often worry that while in a fashion shop. some woman will grab my arm and tell me I don't belong! Being in a fashion shop feels both wonderful and terrifying.
I want to go about presenting fully as female. But I'm far too scared to do so yet. I do what I can, my hair is long, my nails are long. Just simple things like that.
I dress fully female at home. But only at home. Outside it's more turned down so it's not too noticeable.
I would love to have a real female body, via surgery. But due to health issues, surgery may not be a good idea.
I want to be part of a group of female friends, go to cafes together, have girl talk together, go shopping together etc.. I day dream about that!
I too, would love to go to a workplace and be addressed as who I really am, to have my female name being used, and just feel completely accepted as a woman.
But when you don't know how people will react. It's safer to keep it all inside you.
Are you able to dress how you want to at home?
@generousPineapple6613 Thank you for wanting to keep this conversation going. And I'm sorry I haven't responded in a few days, I've been very busy.
I love that you are comfortable with yourself. I wish I could say the same for me. I'm an adult but I still live at home because I'm going to university and am trying to get a good job. My family is not very open-minded and whenever LGBTQ+ issues come up on the radio or tv, they either immediately turn it off or say "that person is just confused" which really hurts me. I am not confused and I know people who want to transition are not confused. It's called exploring. Some people find a new gender, some people find out that they were good the way they were. It's not confusion. Sorry for the rant, I just get so angry with my family, but I could never yell at them or have an outburst because I'm not that kind of person.
I cannot dress the way I want when I am at home because of my parents. I at least am not forced to wear dresses, but I can't buy men's clothing because my parents are against me doing anything masculine. I once tried to sign up for sports when I was younger, but they stopped me and put me in a cooking class because "a woman should know how to cook". I hated that class with all my being and I didn't learn much because I didn't want to be there.
Overall, I am not comfortable with my current situation but I would like to get surgery in the future and change my name so I can only appear as male both in appearance and on paper.
To keep the conversation going, do you have siblings? If so, did you share your dreams with them? If not, do you have friends you share your dreams with? On a completely different note, do you have a pet that is your comfort? I have a pet dog that I always hug when I feel like crying, and I think he knows I'm sad because he doesn't fight me and lets me hold him. What do you do in times of stress or sadness to cheer up? Once again, sorry for the late response. I really wish to continue chatting with you!
Don't worry about ranting. I'm similar in that I have never spoken to my parents about gender.
I lived with my mum for a good while, and all that time I never talked about how I was wondering "what would I look like if I was female?", and I didn't realise I'm actually female until after she passed away. So I didn't start my transition until I was living alone.
I think that deep down I felt unable to talk to her about it. And I don't think dad would have agreed with it either. I never bought any female clothes back then probably because I felt it was a bad idea so I subconsciously blocked it all.
Dunno if any of that makes sense.
Yes I have a sister. And no I haven't mentioned any of this to her. I'm not mentally prepared for any arguments that could come of it. Nor have I told my friends, I'm unsure how they will react.
Sadly I can't have a pet where I live so no cute kitties for me (I'm a cat lover). Comfort wise.... If you mean to combat the dysphoria? then I watch girls anime series' or an anime with many female characters. I find watching them can help, though it can also make it worse. I also like to watch the same shows in different languages because of the voices. I really like deeper female voices, at times i feel a need to listen to one, or it will bug me until I do. I also like games where I can play as a girl. Though can can also make the bad feelings worse at times.
I like music to help cheer me up, if I'm stressed. But it depends on what's causing the stress. Chocolate can help in general, but not for gender woes.
If your comfortable sharing, what do you do when the dysphoria gets bad?
No worries about the late reply. I'm happy to keep the conversation going here.
@generousPineapple6613 I'm sorry you can't have a pet where you live. My pet dog is the best comfort for me.
And yeah, what you said makes sense. I think I subconsciously blocked stuff out too. There was also a time when I wore a dress because all my friends wanted to dress up and I didn't want to be left out, so I wore a dress. But all that did was make the feeling of being uncomfortable worse at the time. I didn't realize until later that I was trying to force myself to be a girl to fit in. It was all subconscious, and it wasn't until I realized I'm transgender that I looked back at those moments and asked "if I had dressed in a suit, would it have been better?" And then, for high school prom, my parents wanted me to get a dress, but I fought hard to get a suit, and I eventually won that argument and went to prom in a suit. Not even then did I know I was transgender, I just really wanted to be comfortable.
I do get dysphoria a lot. I can't transition at all (physically or socially) at the moment because of some other circumstances that I'm dealing with. I listen to music (mostly male singers) to calm down or I hug my dog. It's just comfort, doesn't really make the dysphoria go away, but takes my mind off of it for a little bit. I don't think there is anything that can really take dysphoria away. I hear stories of people who transition that still get dysphoria because there's always something that isn't quite right. But I also hear the stories of people after the transition that experience gender euphoria a lot more than gender dysphoria. So I just listen to music and try to deepen my voice through singing when I get dysphoric, but dreaming about what my future could be like after transitioning is something that (like you said) could go either way. It could help me feel better or make the dysphoria worse; that one is more of a coin flip.
If you're comfortable sharing, have you ever felt gender euphoria? If so, when was the last time you felt it and what caused it? Also, just random conversation, you said you watch anime? What's your go-to anime and why? Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for sharing @shyChestnut000.
Im sure there are plenty people out there with a similar story to mine, or yours. But coming across them seems hard. It's a very difficult subject to open up about. I still find it hard to talk about it, constantly wondering how people will react.
@generousPineapple6613 omiglob hun, you are not alone! The trans community is filled with stories like this, myself included! I'll share.
I suppressed my desire for girly things for most of my life. I used to think it was because I didn't care, but I've come to realize that wasn't it -- I was forced to suppress those desires, for lack of a better term. I needed to suppress my girliness to survive! I behaved the way I was supposed to (which also has to do with learning I'm autistic, but I digress) because I wanted to be a good kid! Or at least I thought I should be a good kid.
One of my friends is gay, and we like to play this game that I call "That Was A Sign". We remember these moments in our lives where we lived inauthentically, but our true self poked out just a little bit. Usually the moments are tiny little things, like my love of the song "Just A Girl" by No Doubt in high school, but sometimes it's bigger and more drawn out, like how I wanted to be friends with girls mostly in school but thinking I was a creep for wanting that.
You are not alone, my dear. I didn't figure this out until about 3 1/2 years ago. There are a lot of forces that try to make us be a certain way, and sometimes that means our true selves get hidden away. Too many people have died because they couldn't realize their truest self, and I am ecstatic for and proud of you for coming out! Thank you for sharing 😍
Thank you for the reply @HappySpecter
I used to think the reason I had no interest in my appearance was because I wasn't bothered about it. Appearance was also one of three things I used to think were not for me, because I'm a guy...(, caring about appearance , fashion & jewellery, enjoying pampering yourself) It turned out that I was interested. Just only from a gris perspective. Once I let my inner girl out I began to care about my appearance and took on an interest in the other two things.
I understand it as:
Seing myself as Male : lights off, no one's home
Seing myself as Female: lights on, and someone is absolutely home and very interested
@generousPineapple6613 OMIGLOB yes that is a great metaphor!
@HappySpecter Thank you for sharing your story! I'm glad you have friends you can talk with about this kind of thing. It is hard to find people outside of the internet that you can connect with. I'm still not confident enough to go to LGBTQ+ events or stuff like that but I think that would be the only way for me to make friends that I can connect to outside of the internet.
Once again, thank you for sharing! When I read stories about transgender journeys, it is kind of comforting. I know you said we're not alone, but still, people sharing their stories takes bravery. So keep it up and enjoy your life!
It is tough, I agree. I accidentally surrounded myself with queer friends in high school. It was in an aggressively conservative town, so none of us were out. I've lucked out, but expanding that community has been a challenge.
I wish you luck finding more LGBTQ friends, hun! We'll be here if you need us 🤟
@generousPineapple6613 You're definitely not alone in this. I'm well into my 40s and only in the last couple of years worked out that I'm non-binary. I was assigned female but always felt way more masculine than feminine, if not *wholly* male. There was no word (that I knew of) back then for what I was. Heck, I hadn't even seen a trans-masc person, the few representations of transness were always trans-femme, so there was a bit of a disconnect there about what being trans even meant. Everyone instisted (even more than now) that you had to be one or the other, and the bucket I got chucked in did not in any way feel like the right bucket.
Like you I don't remember huge amounts about my childhood (thanks trauma), but I do remember getting my hair cut short when I was 11 or 12, and having so many people assume I was a boy. It felt amazing and really validating, and was quite the high to ride until I started getting attracted to boys. That complicated things, and led to certain aspects of myself having to go back underground for a long time.
There's a long story in between, and not a very pretty one, but I can say that things have improved for me. Some people have fallen out of my life, most notably some members of my family of origin, but I have a husband who loves and supports me, and who has proudly stood beside me as I've come out and become more open with my identity. I have friends who accept me as I am and use my right pronouns. All that's left is to have fellow enby/trans folks to talk to, who know what it's like to be a gender other than the one assigned to them.
Glad to meet you, and I sincerely hope your life transforms into what you need it to be to allow you the space and peace to be yourself.
Thanks for the reply. @PurpleApricotThingy
It's good that you have friends that support you, and a husband that is very supportive. I'm unsure if my family would be ok with how I am . I was asked if I wanted them to cut my long nails...the answer was a polite no..... So that put doubts in my mind. And I don't know if my friends would approve either.
No problem, @generousPineapple6613
Thanks. I understand. Coming out is a very personal thing, and for many it has big consequences or just isn't safe to do at all. I am lucky to have my husband and my friends on my side. That said, in the few years before I came out, I had been through a big life change that involved purging a lot of toxic people from my life and evaluating whether some others should still be there. I was on the fence about my brother, for instance, and his very bigoted behaviour when I came out gave me the answer I needed. He and my mother (who has a long history of queer-hating) are no longer in my life.
I will say that you can get some good insights into the people around you by their reactions to trans/non-binary characters in media, trans public figures or news articles on trans issues. That will be a good guide on whether they might be safe to come out to or not. I knew from those things that my brother may be a problem; I gave him a chance to prove me wrong, but I went in fully prepared to deal with a negative reaction if I needed to. But I also knew from their reactions to media/news/etc. that my husband and friends would probably be supportive. Those things helped me know who to come out to first, and to build support and a sense of safety and validation before having to make a choice about whether to tell people I didn't think would take it well. By that point I knew I had the support network I needed if I had to go no contact with anyone, and I did need it. I hope I'm not coming off as telling you what to do, this is just my experience and I hope it helps you feel less alone and more understood about how hard it can be wondering about the people around you and how they might react.
As a 33 year old trans guy who officially came out last year, I feel this so hard. Its a disconnect you feel from your body until you comes to terms with your true self. I grew up only able to perform the role of a girl through what I was and wasn't allowed to do. I was pretty much going through the motions and following the script given to me.
But throughout it my subconscious found little ways to signal im a boy. I found most of my escape through novels and video games where I always looked at male characters and thought 'thats me' without hesitation. But I couldn't really contextualize these feelings until I understood what being trans was and that trans men exist.
I feel like we hear more about people who consciously know they're trans from a young age and vocalize it. But some of us experience disconnect instead. I know for me I had to drink and abuse drugs to cope with my body. I didn't feel truly in my body until I started transitioning.
Yes I think the subconscious mind finds ways of pointing you in the correct direction. Like games and books, and for me, lots of shoujo anime and manga!
Society and the internet does seem to point to those who consciously know from a young age, than those of us who don't know until later on life. It's very confusing to see all that stuff and then wrongly think "*oh, I can't be like that then".
Gender can be a very fluid and evolving thing. A quote I like to reference is “forgive your past self for not knowing what only time could teach you.” You are valid. You don’t need to justify yourself.
I know that my past self was not to blame. It just wasn't safe for me to go down this road back then.
But that is still a sad thought, as at times it makes me think of everything I've missed. All the things people do when they're young, I didn't get to do that because who i am inside couldn't come out.
