Struggling with my sexuality

@niiiicole

It sounds like you're dealing with a struggle for acceptance. Ultimately, we don't have much of a choice when it comes to sexuality, but we do have the choice as to how we will consider that sexuality and respond to it.

What you describe is effectively you punishing yourself by having a specific thought/opinion about who you are when you know that it contrasts with who you are. While I understand that this mentality can come from a lot of places, like culture, religion, fear and anxiety, social expectations... At the end of the day, it's up to you as to whether that opinion of "this is wrong" is what you will continue to believe about being gay.

There is nothing wrong with being gay. There is nothing wrong with you loving yourself as a lesbian. There is nothing wrong with you choosing to dress or present in traditionally masculine ways. You can make the choice, RIGHT NOW, to stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself and tell yourself that you matter, that you're awesome, and you are okay to be exactly who you are.

On the flipside, if you want to maintain the choice of "this is wrong" then you have to accept that reality as well. I may not agree with it, but this is your life and your choice to make. The pain doesn't come necessarily from your being a lesbian, it comes from your holding a negative opinion about that fact and then judging yourself on that basis.

It is okay to be scared and to worry about how things will go in life once you've made the decisions regarding who you are and who you love... But at the end of the day, no one else is going to live your reality for you. You have control over what that reality looks like. You certainly have control over how negatively you treat yourself for being a lesbian. The question I ask is, why continue to punish yourself and generate such pain? Not a lot of good comes from it... This is your life to live. Create the one you want to see, rather than punishing yourself for not wanting the one that you think others think you should have.

@niiiicole congratulations for coming here to open up about something that makes you feel so bad, it's a sign of great courage and it also means that, deep down, a part of you knows that you deserved to be listened and supported.

Orientations are something innate, we're born with it and it cannot change. And all of them are ok: as long as you treat the person you love with respect and care, it doesn't matter what that person's gender is. But if you feel so bad about it, you must have internalized some mindset that makes you think it's wrong. So the first thing to do is asking yourself why you think is wrong or bad to like people of the same gender. Maybe you've grown up in an environment that believes it's bad, but ask yourself why it is so. Does a relationship full of love and care between two women hurt anyone? Of course it doesn't: it can only bring you joy. You could say: "it hurts someone close to me who believes being gay is wrong". But why do they believe it? Because they've been told to believe so. There's nothing inherently wrong in same-gender love. Your feelings are valid, but it's helpful to go further and analyze the reasons of your feelings, the sources of the belief that it's wrong, it can help you realize that there's really no reason to feel guilty!

Something else that can help you is getting in contact with the LGBT community, either online or in person through some LGBT association, so you can familiarize with this reality and learn to know it better. It can help you understanding that lesbians are simply normal people like everyone else, and they can live a perfectly happy and fulfilling life even if some people judge them. I know it's a bold step to make, but it's much easier to feel good about things when we get to know them better.

Take your time. I know it's hard, but I know you also want to feel better, and you deserve to accept yourself as you are. Feel free to contact me if you wish to talk!