Feeling guilty
I have been married 12 years. Have two kids. My wife and I haven’t had sex in 6 years or more. Even before that it was only a few times a year. She’s accused me of being gay. I neither denied it or admitted it. She made me feel so anxious and stressed about sex. I have had a few experiences with men when I was single. A lot of people always asked me if I was gay. Even gf’s would assume I was bi. I always felt embarrassed or ashamed. With women I enjoyed sex, but it always felt like something was missing. I still think women are amazing and beautiful but don’t really feel romantic or sexually interested in them. I have always had more women friends. At parties’ guy would be talking about fixing their car or projects around the house and I was bored to death so would gravitate toward women who I felt like I had more in common with as I liked reading, writing, and art. Whenever I fantasized about sex 95% of the time it was about a guy. I always told myself it was just because I needed sex and if I was in a relationship with a woman I wouldn’t think about men. Those thoughts and desires never went away though. But now being with a man is almost all I ever think about. Being with a man and how wonderful it would be. My wife and I are more like roomates so I think maybe it would be okay for me to have a male friend who I could explore my desires with. But I often battle with feeling guilty. Just recently I Have come to the conclusion I’m probably mostly gay. Coming to the realization is both exciting, happy, and yet terrifying.
@Blueskymind no need to feel guilty for taking time to explore and learn about yourself or reach some conclusion when you did 💕 I'm proud of you and hoping you feel more liberated and comfortable as YOU going forward!
@Optimisticempath Thanks so much. That means a lot. It's strange because I don't really feel that guilty in regards to my wife as we don't really share any connection or intimacy. But when I see my kids and they hug me I feel guilty. I'm not sure why. I still want to be a good father for them and I know I will be. I just don't want to feel guilty like I'm letting them down.
@Blueskymind
I have been in the very same position as you.
I was married for 10 years to a women who was very abusive towards me, always calling me gay and she is very homophobic, we have 4 children together, our sexual encounters were non-existent in the end and at best it would of been once a year, I was attracted to her in the same sense but I guess her abuse towards me made me feel I don't want sex with her more than my questioning gender/sexuality, I don't want sex with someone who feels nothing for me.
Nowadays, I'm single and staying that way, I would never date another women ever again, guys are a possibility but I am questioning my gender as I feel far more feminine than masculine and many people have pointed this out before in how I present myself and act.
This is our life, nobody else's, be who you want to be and let nobody step in your way.
My inbox is open if you want a chat.
Take care.
@iCareUK Thanks. Nice to know someone has gone though a similar situation. My wife really isn't homophobic. She lives in San Frncisco, not that you can't be homophobic and be from there, but she even had a book on being gay when I met her and she was like, well I lived in SF for 7 years and everyone was either gay or questioning. Sometimes I think maybe she is too. In our relationship she's more like the man and I'm more like the woman. I never initiated sex which is what causes problems with us. I don't know that I would categorize her as abusive but she can definitely be a bully. She talks but doesn't listen and doesn't try hard enough to understand.
I can relate also to feeling more feminine. I have often felt like that also but have mostly felt like I always had to keep that bottled up and I have. I'm glad to hear you're single and had the courage to make a change. It inspires me. Maybe I too will get to that point. I feel guilty about my kids though and don't want to leave them. I woud love to chat sometime.
@Blueskymind
I can fully relate, I never initiated sex but I was attracted to her, her years of abuse killed the love and affection and I am very old fashioned in that I need that in a relationship, I'm not a sex toy.
She too was more the manly role and I was more the female role, I did also feel I had to live a constant lie to keep her happy, I too feel guilty about the kids, but in the end, we don't become parents to continue living a lie.
Feel free to look at my profie: https://www.7cups.com/@iCareUK and you can make an appointment for a chat (Sorry, I need to work by appointment due to role work)
