Personal Growth and Dating

@Alongstory23 Wishing you all the very best! 🍀💗🥰

Weekly reflection 8/16:

What went well this week? I took some risks (even though they probably seem like small ones). I sent a few back and forth texts with a crush in California (we met in person originally, and I’d say I am more interested in her than she in me, Cest la vie), I sent some messages to A and I approached a few new women at the run club and started conversations. I sent a little group text to the 3 women mentioned earlier, just a friendly note about the weather, but a start of conversation nonetheless. I also made last minute plans with a friend group, which I sometimes have a hard time doing, so I was proud of that. Went on a good bike ride with a friend on Sunday

What could have been better? I’ve been feeling pretty down today and I haven’t followed a lot of my process this week. Coming off of vacation, this is somewhat understandable. Sleep hasn’t been the best either. While I’m only having a drink or two with friends a couple of nights per week, I’m finding it is still affecting the quality of my sleep. Let’s go with N/A beers or other drinks this week. I am also having some negative affect around my initial texting interactions with women I am interested in. All of the interactions have had some back and forth, but when the conversation ends, I feel a bit lost, rejected, and some despair. I don’t fully know why. asynchronous communication is strange for me. I think a lot of my down feelings have to with responses, or lack thereof to some text messages. This will be something to explore and figure out what kind of narrative I have in my head, and how to effectively overcome it

New women met past three weeks: 8

Contact info asked: 1 (this is fine, I think I only wanted one)

Daily process followed: 7/21  (33%, I'd like to improve on this)

8/19- Starting to believe I am going to need outside help to get where I want to go with this. I've tried therapy a few times before, but for whatever reason, didn't seem to offer any lasting help. 

Core areas I need help with:

Emotional regulation with texting- When I start texting women that I am interested in and don't get much of a response, I internalize that with a lot of negativity and end up giving up pretty quickly. Boderline trained helplessness on this one.

Courage in Person- I'd say I am improving in this domain, approaching some of the time, and feeling more comfortable starting conversations. Will need more consistency starting conversations and need a lot more growth in asking for contact info.

Taking the lead/Taking a chance- When I think about it, I have been working on this dating and social life stuff for over a year and I just haven't asked all that many women out. Some of this is because I am looking for "the perfect woman" or the "ideal woman to be my wife" rather than following curiosity and getting to know people. A lot of it is protective, but is hindering me overall.

Moving Forward: Decide and start implementing by 8/26

Hire a local dating coach and work together with them on in-person interactions

OR

Talk to local single friends and see if any want to team up to work on these social skills 

All for now. Thanks for listening

@Alongstory23

Wishing you all the luck !!!! 🥰

8/24- Weekly Reflection 

What went well? I took the lead on hanging out with friends and I’m feeling more comfortable reaching out.   

What could have been better?

I could have been more positive with my friend, complaining about dating life isn’t a good precursor to asking if someone wants to work on something together. I also didn't take action on asking a friend if they want to work on this together, and I didn't take action on reaching out to dating coaches. I think I find their prices appalling even if I think it might help. This is where I get stuck spinning my wheels and trying to make the perfect decision. I have a perfectionistic mindset around hiring someone or working with someone and negative affect around it too. While a big part of me knows that any effort will lead to better results than trying for the perfect one, there is still a block there.  

I was living in the valley of despair this week. Got away from the process, sunk energy into escape and avoidance. The core of all of it is avoiding discomfort. Avoiding discomfort in myself, avoiding discomfort with others and not expressing my true thoughts and feelings. Not sticking to my program and my process. Full time escape artist. Deep down it’s a lack of faith and a system that is not simple enough. What kind of system is as simple as possible, but no simpler, that will work? How do we change digital talking to women from a negative experience to a positive one? How do I change my priorities from running to dating? The funniest part is my effort is miniscule, but the internal response is so big. Like fully being honest, I sent a DM to 2 women and I didn’t get much of a response. I should be proud I sent a message, and unfazed by the response. If I HAVE to have an obviously positive response to be ok, then I’m really not in the right frame of mind. The fragility of worrying so much about the response is really telling. I haven’t got it figured out- yet.

Anyway, I want to work on acting in my true interests and sitting with Discomfort. Sit with the discomfort of being bored instead of scrolling social media. Sit with the discomfort of asking someone out instead of waiting for them to give all the perfect signals. Sit with the discomfort of rejection, or perceived rejection and keep moving forward. Sit with the fact that it is going to take a lot of action, lot of rejection, lot of reframing to get where I need to go. Accept that.

I also want to highlight costs. Right now I have a mindset of “I can do it myself,” -it will cost too much to hire someone to help me or cost too much to work with a friend on this. The cost of inaction and staying in the same comfort zone is the highest cost of all. An unwillingness to change is a huge cost. I have to keep at it, and find the right support.

The biggest goal this week is just getting back into a positive state of mind. I don't think I will accomplish much ruminating and existing from a place of lack. 

Getting back to a positive state of mind requires 1) following daily protocols and track. Lets start there 

@Alongstory23

Hi,
Wishing you the best of luck and lots of positive energy as you meet someone ☺️❤️🙌

Dear Story23,

As I have read through your posts, what I have come away with are these three overarching goals for yourself:

1. You want to meet more single individuals.

2. You want to meet someone to date and hopefully establish a deeper relationship.

3. You have a parent who has some issues.

Let's take a closer look if we may. In reading through your posts, I feel you are taking some healthful ways to meet others. Your exercise connection is a good one. Can you explore this further? Are there running clubs you might join? Is there a 5K in few months you could sign up for, then set up a *** invite to train with others signed up? Post something at your exercise club?. 

Secondly, what everyone has in common is we have to eat. Are you good cook? If yes, invite some folks to a potluck at your house. If you are not the cooking type, why not see what might interest you by way of the kitchen? Keep the vibe friendly. I have seen a potluck become a monthly dinner get-together.  Also, what other interests do you have? Animals? Politics? Kids? Etc. Explore volunteer opportunities to put your energy and interest for good while continuing to get to know more people. 

Thirdly, before anyone else can love you, you must love yourself. And, for the most part, without apologies for who you are. We all have characteristics that if we answered the question...do I like this about myself, and the answer is no, do the work to change that. 

In my experience, the deepest and most meaningful relationships happen organically. Why not step back from the goal of "dating" and just focus on enlarging  your friend base? We can never have too many friends! I sense from your posts the goal of finding someone to date is creating a great deal of stress for you. It also may make you appear " needy" to other women....usually not a great vibe. 

You mention your Mother's personality in one of your posts. As a part of growing up, it is important each of us take a look at our parents. Ask: what do I like about my Mother and what do I not like. Then check to see if you have picked up her negative personality traits.  If yes, make corrections to change that. At some point now that you are an adult, why not have a frank conversation with your Mother about how she comes across and how this makes you( and others, I am sure) not want to be around her. She may not take it as well-meaning feedback, or she might. 

Wishing you the best.....and please let us know how you are. 



Its been nice to take a break from focusing on "dating" the past couple of weeks. Paradoxically, I feel like I have gotten more attention recently from women, and I've taken a few more risks. Whether that has been because I am more relaxed or because we are approaching colder weather and darker days- "Cuffing Season" as they say, I do not know.

I have to be careful though, it is easy for me to become complacent when I think things are going well. 

I'll have to work through my fears and anxieties about relationships, learn to love myself, and push my way through guilt and shame. I've been dealing with some dental issues this week, so once these heal up I'd like to really take a crack at seeking out help, either through friends or professional help. I'll probably have to examine my thoughts and beliefs on asking for help too.