14 Day Goal Challenge (Day 2)
I don't think my challenge is about goals. I believe it's about functioning beyond or despite my Guilts, Fears and Inadaquacies. I still have a sense of dread today but I'm not immobilized like I was. I think where my goals come into action is the sense of accomplishment they possess, which gives me a small dose of confidence. I think that's what my 14 day challenge is all about.
Yesterday I got the 2 biggies done but then... "deserved a break" and started snacking. I never made it to the time consuming little pain in the butt stuff. But it was a good day.
@IsayUncle. What are the time consuming things you need to get done today? Maybe you could try to work on one of them for a set amount of time today?
I really need to focus on getting the house clean again today. I also need to sort my son's medical supplies and try to make room for them.
Our camping equipment is also currently stored in the living room of our small house which isn't ideal. I'm not sure where to put it though! It will probably find its way to the shed after our last trip of the year so I may just have to wait on that!
I don't have to leave the house today of make any phone calls!💙💙💙
Talk to you later!
💙 Morgan
@Psalm139
That's a great approach, Talk more about that later. I'm out the door! Appointments taking up the day and then shopping I think. Be Good Today. Good luck getting the camping gear put away.... somewhere. lol.
@Psalm139
I have to repair the flat tire on my car. Set amount of time = 1.5hours. Start 10:30am.
@IsayUncle Ah that stinks. Good luck with your tire💙
@IsayUncle. Did you get the tire done? Are you ok today? Thinking of you.
💙 Morgan
@Psalm139
Hey Morgan, Yea thanks for thinking about me. I finished my tire about 1:30 because of rainstorms. But it's done.
I noticed your new profile picture. Very Cute! Looked like a flood, when was that? I really did like your journal. You could tell you were on high alert the way every detail stuck to your brain. I'm also sorry you're husband is struggling. I know it makes it kinda hard for both sometimes but remember to see it and try not to blame it... when possible. Every little bit helps.
I'm going to suggest something but don't know if I'm really right on with this. so please take it with a grain of salt and stick to your guns. You've shared your name which is wonderful because it is so much more personable talking with someone. My name is John but you can call me J, if you want or anything else. When I call you M... know it's Morgan. It would be wonderful if everyone could use thier real names but you notice, very few people do.
I believe that's because of the bad actors on this site and there a lot of those, sadly. If they get your real name they could really make you feel like crap and worse. My suggestion is use your real name sparingly. M is good. and now you know my name too, so that's cool. I had a little bit of a problem with that when I started and it took some adjustment. Be your own person though.
@IsayUncle
Hi J💙. I'm glad you're ok. I was worried about you because you didn't make a new post today and it sounded like yesterday didn't go very well.
The picture is actually from a camping trip last month. We were at the lake and hadn't planned to swim but the kids really wanted to so we just went in the water in our clothes lol. Thankfully everything washed up ok!
My husband is doing well right now but I really struggle with fear and anxiety and just not feeling safe with him. I did contact a place for therapy and am on a waiting list. I don't know if it will help. I know some of it is my BPD and the fear of abandonment and things that run so deep that I know they can't easily be fixed.
You are probably right about the name thing. I tend to be more trusting and open than I probably should be. It does sometimes cause problems.
I will try to just sign M from now on. Thanks for sharing your name, too. You didn't have to.
I hope I hear from you again later! I'm glad you got your tire done!💙 -M
@Psalm139
I'm here this afternoon. I'll be checking the posts in between house chores. I cooked up a huge pot of boiled peanuts and now I have to bag them up for the freezer. And plenty of other stuff.
That was actually a cool optical illusion, just because you had your cloths on, I thought it was a flooded street. What a fun spontanous thing to do with the kids.
Share what you can... What do you mean, "not feeling safe with him" That's not good. What's that part of your world all about? Sounds kinda bad. Abanonment, Fear BPD... Try not to get wound up into all the terminology. I tell you, I went through a world of emotions yesterday. It was crazy and I haven't posted about it yet because it'll take too long. Lucky for the rain today I managed to mend some of my insecurities that yesterday created. I can tell you, it was all of that stuff above balled into a few hours. Things are ok today.. for the most part.
@Psalm139
How are you doing today? Are things ok?
@IsayUncle Yeah I'm ok. I am a little off. Just one of those days. I think you know what I mean. No real reason for it but just emotional.
@Psalm139
I hope you get to feeling more relaxed by evening.
@IsayUncle. Yeah when you said it looked like a flooded street I could see how it looked that way the way I cropped the background to make it fit.
The reason I don't feel safe is because of his addiction. He has been clean for three years but it got so bad the last time he relapsed that it scares me. I didn't have anyone to go to and tried to get it together for the kids but I just couldn't do it. My mental health got so bad. I literally couldn't stop crying. I couldn't eat. I was very suicidal almost every day... I tried to work but it was too much for me. That's how we ended up in the shelter. And then we were stuck because we had no money to get out until he finished his program and was sober and stable and started working again. He actually lost custody of the kids that year because he didn't cooperate with dhs. It's a long story but I will write more about it little by little. It's just hard to trust him. Or even myself really. We were ok in the shelter but it was very traumatic for both me and the kids. I homeschool so the kids had never been to school or daycare before then. And my youngest was only one at the time. Everything changed all at once and it felt so hopeless and scary and I don't ever want my kids to experience anything like that again.
Anyway, that's the short version. Back to what's going on with you...
I'm so sorry your day was so hard yesterday. I want to hear about it if/ when you are ready and want to talk about it. Good job getting up today and pressing on to get things done. I know for me it's easy to give up when things get overwhelming and it sounds like yesterday was pretty overwhelming for you.
I've never boiled peanuts before. What do you mean by that? Is that just how you like them?
Talk to you later💙 -M
@Psalm139
So you know I'm carrying a huge load of inadaquacies, guilts and failures on my shoulders these days. Yesterday I had a chance to help the man that is helping me with my CDL. His relatives lost everything in the floods and we were going to go there with equipment to pull two feet of mud out of thir houses yard and garages. I have a small tractor.... long story short. a friend said I could use his dump truck and trailer to haul my tractor. after getting there, he changed his mind because it was far away... I didn't blame him for that because his equipment is better to stay close to home. Other option fell through too and then a major front end piece on my truck broke. School is starting in a few days , I could'nt help with the flood relief. My heart was set on that. My vehicles are going to start breaking down, gone too long with good luck...... all because of my stupid mistakes! Scared as shit i'm going to fail again and I am at the absolute end of this rope! All those failures yesterday within a few hours just slammed me down especially when it started as such a positive and uplifted action... Hell No, confidence ain't gonna happen! So that's what happenend yesterday. I wish I could just sleep and dissapear for 14 days.
@IsayUncle Aw I understand why all that would be so upsetting. You wanted to help and tried to do it but everything got in the way. I'm sorry you're having car trouble too. That's always stressful and expensive. We drive used vehicles so deal with that often too.
I understand your desire to sleep but I hope you will forgive yourself and just move forward. I don't think you failed. It isn't your fault that your friend changed his mind or that you had car trouble. The fact that it made you so upset to not be able to help just shows how much you care.
Try to think of yourself the way you would see someone else in your position. You wouldn't call them a failure. You would probably be impressed by all they have gone through and how hard they keep trying no matter the challenges.
I do know how you feel. I do the same thing to myself. But I think most people are more critical of themselves than of anyone else. I see you as a very strong and determined and kind person. And I will still think that of you no matter your so-called failures. I won't think any less of you.
I think you are strong just for admitting your imperfections and struggles. Everything will be ok. Get some rest, eat some good food, and wake up tomorrow ready to do the next thing.💙 -M
@Psalm139
Thanks M, Feelin a bit better. Thanks for your support. It means alot. I hope your day starts off well. That's a big job, homeschooling but I think it probably becomes a way of life but still a big job. I do believe it's the way to go now-a-days. (You don't get much "M" time do ya?). I couldn't imagine having to be on 24/7. KUDO's to you! (and thanks for helping me out too.)
Boiled Peanuts... A Southern thing... An aquired taste. My first experience: I'm in my mid 20's, In SC looking for work, Broke, living off of Bologna, Bread and Potatoes. Boiled peanuts are a snack, still in thier shells. They were often found on store counters in small paper bags for a dollar. One day I decided to try some even though a dollar would have bought a pound of Bologna.
The store was walking distance to my trailer so on the way home I tried my first boiled peanut. YUK, YUK, YUK... the nastiest thing ever, a soggy peanut. I couldn't waste them so smarty pants here was goint to make peanut butter with them. I shelled them, mashed 'em up and mashed some butter into them, slathered it onto a slice of bread for a peanut butter sandwich. YUK, YUK, YUK... even worse than the peanuts themselves. Not only did I waste a dollar, I wasted a slice of bread and some butter too.
How did I get to loving them? A story for another day. They are a part of me now. We should always try to remember all the little good things that are still a part us everyday in spite of the heavy crap. By the way, they freeze real good, like brand new fresh when re-thawed. I made this batch spicy-sweet and bagged 14 quart bags for the freezer.
cya later
@IsayUncle Hey! That's a funny story about the boiled peanuts! I think I would have thought soggy peanuts were gross too - and trying make peanut butter to salvage them! Maybe you needed salt?
Yeah, homeschooling is a big job and doesn't give me a lot of breaks but I love my kids and being around them so it's worth it. My mental health struggles definitely add an extra element to it all though. I really need to get them out more!
💙 -M
@Psalm139
I can tell that you are an amazing mom. I like how you seperated the mental health element. That's really an amazing approach so it's not all one big mess with the kids involved. Good Job! Does gettting "them out" to go shopping count.... Uggh.😊
@IsayUncle
I am so glad u had a good day . Still 12 more days to go and I hope u achieve all your goals in the remaining 12 days ! .
Also there is nothing wrong in taking a break . You deserve it and have earned it .
I think when we achieve our goals , dopamine is secreted , which makes us feel good .
@calmsoulmeet
I think ypur right... feeeels gooood!
@IsayUncle
You shared a little about your life in the past few years the other day and today I wrote a little about our lives a few years ago... probably a lot of the reason I am struggling so much. I think I have PTSD on top of everything else. It's just the beginning of the story but I woke up with it in my head this morning. I will probably try to write more about it, if only to try to process everything, as it comes to me. Anyway, here's the link if you have time to read it:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaSupport_60/JournalingStories_318/Wewerehomelessforayear_282967/
I hope your day is going smoothly! I got a lot of the camping stuff organized - under my bed!
💙Morgan
@Psalm139
I can't wait to read it. I think that's great to open up. But right now, Bad day today... things went south in a hand basket. It'll be ok but don't have time to talk about it but I will. Vehicle problems sucking and promises... Lost serious ground today but in a week it'll all be better.
@IsayUncle I'm sorry you didn't have the best day. And don't worry about reading that. It's not urgent at all. I just wanted to share it with you. Have a good evening 💙
@IsayUncle
two challenges that i have are to learn swimming again and to promote my badminton scale. you might ask why i said to learn swimming again, cause i learnt before and stoped for 2-3 years. and now when i get into water, i kinda forgot how to swim, so i need to go to the swimming pool everyday and train.
@magnoliahua
Those are two awesome challenges to work towards. I hope you get to practice both and beat your own expectations. A lot of work but you can do it!
