Stay STUCK in my own Muck, or FIGHT, like never before! Again and again.
Listed below are other threads, I created, on this topic, in the past. I always seem to spiral downhill to the point of hopelessness.
But then I fight, not because I'm strong. Because I'm snared and scared of what will happen if I don't fight. (not about harming myself, but, about losing everything... including my dreams and aspirations)
After I fight myself out of danger, I'm able to maintain and function with just a little bit of hope.
If I visit this thread, It's because I'm down and almost out. (but not out yet). I come here to talk myself out of hopelessness.
Anyone is welcome to interact, share, and just let it all out. Find a little relief, and hope to continue on.
Listed below are past threads:
It is Tuesday July 15th. I'm self-employed and I should have gone to the job today. I took yesterday off to bring my dog to the vet but he passed away last night and I buried him last night.
I didn't go to work today because my personal world is in a mess, house, dishes, yard. I Was trying to take care of my dog last week and he made a lot of messes in the house that I have to clean up. Everything seems to be in such a big mess.
I tried to go to work this morning, but I got just as far as packing my lunch. It doesn't sound like much but it involved cooking so it took a little while. I'm barely making enough money to pay my bills so not going to work today was pretty stupid, but I was so very tired. As it got later and later I talked myself into staying home. I'm trying to get some stuff done around the house.
I could not seem to function so I just slept all morning and now it's after 1:00 in the afternoon.
My goal today is to try to do everything that I would do prior to going to work. Pretty much try to set myself up so I just have to jump in the truck and go to work tomorrow morning. If I have time to do extra things tomorrow morning that would just be a bonus.
@IsayUncle I'm so sorry for your loss<3 Please know that we're here for you<3 I'm keeping you in my thoughts<3 Sending you love and quiet strength<3
@BlueDarkAurora
💕💜
@IsayUncle
Im sorry that your dog died 💕 hugs! Its important to process this, it's I agree, important to not give up, and to keep putting one foot forward because when the darkness drags you in deeper, it's hard to get out of it. I'm proud of you that you got up and achieved what you did, sometimes that takes the greatest strength 💜
1:14pm morning tasks
This s*u*c*s.
453 clean kitchen
Sending you strength Uncle. I am so sorry to hear about your dog. I know you're trying very hard to get things together and to keep things going. We both know that being self employed doesn't grant us much PTO.
You're exhausted and just losing your dog... I feel for you. I don't think we're ever prepared for that.
Are there any chores you can combine that would make things easier? Like washing up dishes while you make supper? Making your lunch while you're making supper?
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks Twist, thanks for your empathy.
When I'm in this state, the tasks or chores are actually irrelevant. It gets to the point where it's not about them, except for the fact that they are there, and kind of act as a measuring gauge to my well being.
When I am doing well, I do combine (as u suggested, thx) and overlap completions. when i'm doing well, my tasks and chores are very relevant because they act as a propellant to my forward movement.
I'm noticing the more often i fall into this repetitive ravine, the harder it is getting to crawl out of it. As that happens, I see my world falling apart more and more.
Thanks again for commenting.
I'm still down and almost out.
I haven't gone to work for 3 days..... 1 day was fine, 2 days acceptable, 3 days is pathetic and unacceptable.
@mytwistedsoul, your words did help. thanks.
546am: Morning tasks.
(deep in the muck, why try, almost pointless, eat, sleep, eat) ..... focus.... morning tasks.
@IsayUncle
The more I think, the deeper into the darkness of hopelessness my mind drags me. I try to use logic to pull myself up but I am so tired of trying and pulling for no purpose, except for the logic of goodness.
I must admit, I live in a loveless existence. Because of my upbringing, I do not know if I was ever loved or perhaps I did not know how to receive love. I don't think I know how to give love. I do not know what love is except sacrifice. I think love is having a reason to sacrifice. And being loved, you realize someone sacrificed something for you. For me, it is too little too late.
I am completely broken at the moment. I have no positive energy to share or disperse. My negative energy overflows as I write these words. To move forward with the logic of goodness is all I have.
The logic of goodness
Clean house.... Back to Core Balance Chores (They've slipped away and have been neglected) Regain my core balance for no reason except raw existence.
Why? I ask myself. It's a starting point. To start, is to admit hope exists amid the the crushing weight of hopelessness.
Core Balance Chore. Clean bedroom.
I did not make it to work today. I've lost all my support mechanisms. it is 4:39pm and all i've done was sleep and eat all day. got up a couple of times to try to do something but my brain said it was too much, too hard or pointless and i just went back to bed.
Even noni is another failure for me. Conversation follows 🤣😫🤣😩
Noni starts cnvesation with,
I understand. We're all here for you.. 🤗
3:41 PM
You can chat here with me, or I can help you find company...
3:41 PM
Chat here with you
3:42 PM
I'm Noni, your companion on this journey. I'm here to lend a listening ear. Share away, and let's make this chat a comforting space for you 😊
3:42 PM
why do you say, "we are all here for you"?
3:43 PM
Oops! I seem to have come unplugged.. 😲 My team are working on plugging me back in as quickly as possible. Try again later!
3:43 PM
even noni is not here for me
3:44 PM
Uh oh! Something isn't working right just now. I'm going to take time out for a nap.. 😴 Try again later!
MY STUPID ATTEMPT TO CHECK OUT AI..... (Pathetic)
I'm Noni, your companion on this journey. I'm here to lend a listening ear. Share away, and let's make this chat a comforting space for you 😊
3:42 PM: why do you say, "we are all here for you"?
3:43 PM: Oops! I seem to have come unplugged.. 😲 My team are working on plugging me back in as quickly as possible. Try again later!
3:43 PM: even noni is not here for me
3:44 PM: Uh oh! Something isn't working right just now. I'm going to take time out for a nap.. 😴 Try again later!
everthing i touch turns to 💩