Can I just say something?
TW: Symptoms?
So...
I'm 95% sure I've got a problem. That problem being Quiet/Discouraged BPD.
Now, just to say one thing, no, I have not been formally diagnosed. And even if I were to go in for one, I don't think I would be anyway, since I am a minor. (Perhaps, perhaps not)
But I feel like I just need to get this out there.
I do fit a good chunk of the symptoms: Intense fear of rejection/A pattern of idealizing others and then devaluing and discarding them/ Taking small things personally (e.g., assuming someone is ignoring you/ Feeling numb or empty inside/Self isolation or avoidance as a form of self protection when you are feeling overwhelmed/ SH that is hidden from others so that they don't suspect that something is wrong/ A feeling of hopelessness a majority of the time (e.g., existential angst/ Becoming obsessed with a specific person and wanting to spend as much time as you can with that person/ Racing or distorted thoughts/Having a hard time talking about your feelings/ derealization rather than dissociation (This technically wasn't written as a symptom in the first article I referenced but other sources say it is...idk.)/Internalization (this was mainly due to growing up in an environment where it was safer to stay quiet and obey)
Now... I have been dealing with this all of my life, and yes, it has brought me a great deal of distress. I have taken countless tests and they all said the same thing: Either moderate symptoms or "You Would Benefit From An Evaluation"
Every day is hard, but it feels strangely familiar because it's all I've ever known. But the part that messes with me the most is the obsession.
It's hard for me to love most things now, I can like things very deeply, but love seems...distant, fuzzy, blurry, dangerous etc.
So when this person showed basic human kindness to me, I lost it. Completely.
I think about them all the time, shower them with gifts and compliments. To the point where I have seen them roll their eyes when I give them another. I get jealous that they have so many other friends to call on, while I am a relatively new one.
I at first think they can do no wrong, they are always happy, until I see them express any other emotion, then I get scared, no, petrified. I know logically that it is impossible to expect someone to only be happy and bubbly, but I just got so scared. To the point that on the rare occasion they would text, my heart would beat profusely. And I'd get that feeling when you're about to drop on a roller coaster.
It would take me a ridiculous amount of time to calm down and actually look at the text.
Then I would hate them because they had this power over me. The power to make me feel the closest thing to love I've ever felt in a long time. And I would hate them.
But then they would hug me and smile.
And the fangs and horns I put on them would fade.
And wings would grow, and the halo would shine so brightly.
Rinse, wash, repeat. So... I know this is only explaining one or two criteria, and I know you guys won't diagnose, that's perfectly fine. I'm just asking...do you think it would be beneficial to get an evaluation? I looked throught the guidelines and I don't think I'm violating any of them, but if I am, I'm sorry!
@1JADED1
HI
Here's my unprofessional and untrained personal thoughts. Take them with a pinch of salt.
Disorders and conditions are labels. How useful are labels?
Most conditions exist on a spectrum from none at all to a lot. And everyone sits somewhere on that spectrum. Someone picks a point on that spectrum and says, anyone with more than this has the condition. Anyone with less doesn't. The point is normally fairly arbitrary, just what someone feels is normal or not, so how useful is it?
Furthermore these labels are often very subjective and dependent on current thinking at the time. I once read a paper that classified a behaviour as aggression that I would have classified as fear. Because of this misclassification, to me the results of the paper were meaningless. So how useful are these labels?
I read your post and think many of these behaviours could be anxiety and fear from childhood trauma. So, different people can interpret the same thing in different ways. And who can say how useful those interpretations are?
Do you want a label, or do you want to change the behaviours you don't like? Because I'm not sure you need the former to do the latter.
Having said that, my answer to the question "should I see a doctor or expert about xyz?" Is always yes. Because you are thinking about it. And once you are thinking about it, you won't stop til you know. So go and find out, one way or the other.
Maybe think a bit how you will accept the answer, if it is not the answer you want or expect.
@Clio9876
Thank you for reading my post! I actually do agree with your opinion on labels. They tend to be arbitrary and, at times, limiting in personal experiences. (Btw, I am in awe of how you articulated yourself, I gotta learn your vocab!!)
I only made the post because I have been dealing with this for a very long time and have been contemplating the same questions over and over, never really able to find a satisfactory answer because, well, I'm terrified. Not to get too into detail, but my family isn't all that familiar or comfortable with mental health struggles. To be taken seriously, I personally feel like I would need to be diagnosed, so I just wanted to ask for other people's insight and perspective. Lucky for me, you did not disappoint. But I will think over what you said, again, thank you for your thoughts.
@1JADED1
Thanks. My pleasure.
I suspect I learnt my vocal from reading. I was interested to learn about myself and others and how relationships worked, and so I read and still read a lot. There's lots of fascinating info out there!
It sounds like you are looking for validation. And a diagnosis can most definitely validate our experience. Just remember that a lack of diagnosis does not invalidate your experience. I can strongly relate to the search for validation. It's a search into which I invested lots. And then I discovered self validation and my life changed considerably again. Your experience of what is happening is totally valid.
@1JADED1
Hi there 💜 Appreciate you looking at the guidelines and wanting to be conscientious 🙏 (and I agree you're not violating any of them). It's pretty normal for people to create posts saying they aren't formally diagnosed with BPD but suspect it's a relevant label because they feel a strong resonance with a lot of BPD descriptions. (And my usual response tends to be that whether you have a formal diagnosis or not, if the descriptions resonate, then resources or support for BPD will probably feel helpful/relevant. 💜 Connected to what @Clio9876 mentioned about things being on a spectrum.)
That's really relatable what you mentioned about someone being kind to you and them becoming really important/special (maybe because that's a rare experience to have someone be genuinely kind?) and that turning them into a focal point for a bunch of other things (i.e. constantly thinking about them, wanting to shower affection onto them, feeling jealous, feeling scared when they seem to stray from what you're wishing for, hanging on everything they say, feeling disgusted with the amount of influence their small actions/inactions have).
Just sharing a link with some resources in case if you haven't stumbled across it yet:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/personalitydisorders/BorderlinePersonalityDisorder_326/ResourcesforBPD_268269/
Maybe a question that would help with answering "should I get an evaluation" would be "do I feel like I'm struggling with something that I'm having trouble working through on my own but that a mental health professional might be able to help with"?
(P.S. I'm also a fan of Deftones, Bauhaus, Slowdive, The Cure, The Smiths, Notes From the Underground, The Stranger, Letters to a Young Poet, and Edward Scissorhands)
@QuietMagic
Thank you so much for responding to my uh....venting/questionnaire? Idk, but I really appreciate it. I will look at the link! And thanks for giving me something to think over!
Ps. (You have exquisite taste btw)