Was i born to be miserable?
TW: discussion of abuse, suicidal ideation
Hello guys, you can call me Zombie. I only recently got diagnosed with BPD... and a whole list of other things and it felt good to have a name to what was happening to me. However, school -- specifically clinicals -- have been a huge stressor for me and my suicidal urges are stronger than before. I need these clinical to graduate but the truth is I'm absolutely miserable; I find no joy or good in what I'm doing despite the fact I help cancer patients. I'm randomly crying and occasionally get the shakes from time to time. I am just struggling to see if there's even a point in living anymore if what I am doing was due to my parents demands. Was I born so the world would make an example out of me? Was I destined to miserable? It just feels like it because I've never been happy. Just stressed and chronically suicidal.
[Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to add TW]
@ZombieGlitch
Hi Zombie--welcome. I'm glad there's a little bit of comfort in being able to have a name for the particular kind of misery you've been going through. 
If I'm understanding from what you've shared, you're currently in school and doing clinicals, which you need to graduate. But you're feeling really unhappy. It's pretty stressful and although you know that it's "supposed" to be something meaningful or good to be helping cancer patients, you're just not feeling it. You feel like possibly you're just there because your parents pushed you to be there.
You've also been having suicidal urges off and on and have been just generally wondering if there's a point to living. And wondering whether there was some kind of cosmic joke where you were just put into the world in order to be unhappy. 
(I'm wondering if the username you picked is related to that feeling?)
If you'd like to, please feel free to post some more about your situation and how you're feeling. Otherwise, if you're able to find a listener that you like in Browse Listeners, you can reach out to them to try to set up a 1-on-1 chat.
@ZombieGlitch People BPD can recover and do recover!
Studies by Mclean Hospital found that 16 years after inditial BPD diagnosis, 99% of patients have at least a 2-year period of remission and 78% have a remission lasting 8 years.
Scientific citation: Biskin R. S. (2015). The Lifetime Course of Borderline Personality Disorder. Canadian journal of psychiatry. Revue canadienne de psychiatrie, 60(7), 303–308. https://doi.org/10.1177/070674371506000702
I've always felt like this too. The only thing that ever helps is to remember that it's the BPD telling you that you won't be happy. I know it's hard but remember you and your BPD are separate, you don't have to listen to it if you don't want to.
@arbanon
That makes sense. 
Reminds me of cognitive defusion. Like "I'm not my thoughts/feelings. Thoughts/feelings just happen and I notice them, and I have a bit of freedom and choice in whether I decide to take them seriously."
I've noticed with bpd it is so much more difficult to engage this type of thinking. The emotions always overload the mind instead of logic, but it can help so much if you are able to look beyond that haze of feelings.
@arbanon
I can really relate to that, like sometimes there are situations where it feels like trying to reason my way out of a certain emotion just doesn't work. I'd be curious to know if you ever feel that way and what usually happens when that occurs.
oh my gosh that happens so much more than I'd like it to, lol. It's been bad recently so I've been experiencing this a lot. It is the most horrible depressing feeling ever and I don't think it ever fully goes away. You just give in to the feelings because they will always win
@arbanon
Yeah, my own personal experience has been that challenging thoughts doesn't always work too well for me...
- What's supposed to happen: "Oh wow, you're right. My feelings were based on false premises. Thank you for helping me notice the discrepancy and come to a more consistent/rational way of living that is conducive to my happiness."
-
What actually happens: "Don't you dare try to invalidate my feelings and tell me that they're wrong/irrational. My feelings are quite real and matter a lot to me even if nobody else in the world cares about them. If this is your approach to trying to help me, I don't need this. I already have more than enough people in my life I can turn to if I want to be told that I'm hypersensitive/overreacting.
"
The most recommended treatment today for BPD (dialectical behavior therapy) came about because the creator of it, Marsha Linehan, noticed this kind of pattern happening in her clients where trying to do CBT as usual would make people feel worse. Excerpt from an article I found:
When Linehan first began working with therapy clients who were diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, she initially followed a conventional cognitive-behavioral approach. However, she began to notice that people with Borderline Personality Disorder had a powerful, negative reaction to the heavy emphasis on change that is inherent in the cognitive-behavioral tradition of identifying and challenging beliefs, with the goal of altering negative behaviors.
Linehan recognized that people with Borderline Personality Disorder are exceptionally sensitive. They tend to have powerful emotional reactions to situations in which they feel invalidated. Their childhood histories often reflected a poor match between the emotional needs of such highly sensitive children, and their caregivers. This mismatch between caregiver and child created an environment in which the child's emotions were frequently invalidated. Invalidation occurs when caregivers punish, minimize, criticize, reject, or deny the validity of the child's emotional experience. This invalidation is evident in statements such as: "You're over-reacting" or, "For heaven's sake, grow up!" or, "Big boys don't cry."
Linehan concluded that the change emphasis of conventional CBT felt profoundly invalidating to her clients. To these highly sensitive clients this emphasis on change caused them to feel as though something was wrong or unacceptable about them. This situation mirrored their painful childhood experiences of invalidation. As a result, they could not engage in, nor benefit from therapy because the therapy itself was experienced as painfully invalidating. In response to this insight, Linehan introduced several innovations to her therapeutic approach. The most important modification was a new emphasis on the acceptance and validation of the client's emotional and behavioral states. This acceptance counter-balanced the traditional CBT emphasis on changing those states.
https://www.mentalhelp.net/dialectical-behavior-therapy/for-personality-disorders-dbt/
I've been seeing similarities in myself recently. I have terrible mood swings. I overthink to the point of ruining good things. It's affecting my relationships. I am not able to concentrate on my studies. I find it difficult to be attentive and focus on one thing at a time. I have a short temper and overly critical at times. I don't feel happy and even when I do it's very short lived. Sometimes I question my existence & the meaning of it. I feel hopeless too at times. It would mean so much to me if I could share my experiences with someone who understands. Please feel free to send a message back.
@oliveBeach
I'd be happy to chat with you if you're looking for a listener and want to share some more about everything you've been experiencing. (Here's my booking form if you'd like to schedule a chat.)
Thanks a lot. Thank you.