Am confused
So while on *** a year back, was yapping about some stuff online and a dude asked if I didn't have any mental issues. He suggested this book for checking and all( can't really remember been a while). I pretty much aligned with BPD, I know without a proper diagnosis I shouldn't say it but since last year have gotten really deep and well through some other methods it's pretty likely, planning on getting diagnosed outside the country if I can cause...well my country is somehow in terms of mental stuff.
Main reason I wrote this post is because I have issues with my feelings. So my gf and I are long distance, somehow happened but been the best months of my life till I started overthinking a lot of stuff and when it happens I disappear cause I fear I might say smt or can't really fake being alright. Recently her ex msged to apologize for stuff he did in the past and she sent a screenshot which should have made me trust ik, for reasons I do not know I went to his profile. Saw and all noticed just 5 days after we got together he posted something and she liked it, again went through and noticed like after that a few more of his posts were liked by her as early as late August too. Would be alright if I knew they were on cool terms but from what she told me they didn't part completely on good terms, ok but not good good so you could guess how I felt. My overthinking is destroying me rn cause genuinely been fed lots of stuff about women cheating and me not being good enough for a long time and so it's really bothering me. I want to bring it up but how can I when she literally sent me a SS, me saying it will be saying am insecure and don't trust her. I really do I want but emotionally I feel *** while logically I know am overreacting
So what do I do
@Suchan267
Hi, thanks for sharing. 💜 That makes sense that you'd feel pretty aligned with BPD if the themes/experiences you have line up well with the descriptions. A lot of resources and tips out there related to BPD tend to be things that are helpful for mental health or relationships/communication in general:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/personalitydisorders/BorderlinePersonalityDisorder_326/ResourcesforBPD_268269/
Sorry that your country isn't really on the same page as you in terms of acknowledging or understanding mental health stuff.
Makes sense that you're feeling confused with the two sides to the girlfriend situation.
1) On the one hand, her sharing the screenshot is her being open and trying to maintain trust and avoid a scenario where maybe months from now you find out that she's been communicating with the ex and feel anxious/betrayed.
2) On the other hand, there's the slight inconsistency you noticed that she's been already interacting with him on social media which gets your mind spinning and raises some question of whether they were already on good terms. And I guess the fear under that is that maybe they'll get closer and she'll abandon you for him. (There's worry about the ex, but also worry that sharing it with her might do more harm than good and maybe it's something to keep to yourself and discount as overthinking.)
***
A couple thoughts that come to mind for me:
1) I wonder how much of the insecurity around the ex comes from feeling like maybe the closeness/connection you have with your girlfriend is unstable. (I know long-distance relationships can be really tricky in terms of keeping closeness alive and couples often have to go out of their way to schedule quality time together to stay.) Do you feel like you're happy with how often and how much you and your girlfriend get to communicate and have positive experiences together despite the distance?
2) I wonder whether you've tried sharing mental health stuff with your girlfriend before (worries, thoughts/feelings, insecurities) and how that's gone. You mentioned that you usually withdraw when that happens, and that makes sense if you're expecting bad things to happen. Have you ever tried sharing things with her, and do you think she'd be able to handle it without things going badly?
I feel like that kind of determines whether the right path is "I want to be open with her about my insecurities/anxieties just so she understands even though they're not entirely fact-based" or "I want to try to process this a bit on my own, maybe convince myself that the worries about the ex aren’t significant, figure out how to calm myself down without getting her involved, and maybe try to create more closeness with her independent of what's happening with the ex”.
@QuietMagic
1. Yes, tbh I didn't even expect the relationship to go so well, it's basically everything I can wish for honestly. Only inconsistency comes from the time difference and all so that's understandable sigh.
2. Yes I have talked about my insecurities and the likes way before we even got together actually, she was understanding and I have also mentioned a few when we got together. Issue might just be that I don't wanna scare her away you know, she isn't like that but I also do not want to risk her leaving or feeling smh due to my mental issues.
Gladly well, I subtly brought the whole situation with her ex up and she explained they don't talk and he's the one always talking, the msg she sent was him trying to be friends again and she refused. The whole interaction was also cause of the song according to her, thinking about it rn I really overreacted honestly sigh.
@Suchan267
That’s really great to hear that the relationship is going so well, that she’s understanding with things when you do share them, and that the situation with the ex is one-sided and she’s not really interested. Makes sense that you’re trying to be thoughtful about how much you share with the mental health stuff to avoid overwhelming her, but glad that so far things have gone well there too.
That all resolved much more cleanly than I expected to (lol), and I guess that was possible because you were able to subtly bring it up and get some new information that helped clarify things.
@QuietMagic