DBTuesday: interpersonal effectiveness
Heya everyone! It's been a while but for today’s DBTuesday, we’re going to focus on the interpersonal effectiveness category. You can find the explanation of the different categories of DBT skill here. As a reminder, there are 4 different categories of DBT skills, focusing on different areas: distress tolerance, emotion regulation, mindfulness and interpersonal effectiveness.
(We’ve already presented a skill from the distress tolerance category: take a REST and a skill from the emotion regulation category: ABC PLEASE.)
The goal of interpersonal effectiveness is for you to get along with others, take into account their needs while also asserting your own needs, which can be hard to balance. To help achieve this goal, there are three useful sets of skills: objective effectiveness (DEAR MAN), relationship effectiveness (GIVE) and self-respect effectiveness (FAST).
Objective effectiveness – DEAR MAN or how to clearly express your needs or desires:
D – describe the current situation objectively (stick to facts and avoid giving any opinion/interpretation for now)
E – express how this situation makes you feel as clearly as possible (“I feel … because …”)
A – assert yourself, say what you want and don’t want clearly, it’s okay to say “no”.
R – Reinforce and reward the person (with a smile and thank you for example)
M – be mindful and keep in mind your objectives.
A – appear confident (posture, tone, eye contact, body language)
N – negotiate, be willing to give to get.
Relationship effectiveness – GIVE or how to focus on the other one in a relationship:
be Gentle – Don’t attack, threaten or judge, whether verbally or physically, accept that the other one might say “no” to your requests.
act Interested – Show interest by listening to the other person without interrupting them when they talk, be patient and sensitive.
Validate – Be validating of the other person’s thoughts and feelings, with words and actions; acknowledge their feelings, recognize when your requests are demanding, respect their opinions. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see the world through their eyes.
use an Easy manner – Smile, try to use humor, be light-hearted and have an easy attitude
Self-respect effectiveness – FAST or how to respect your own values and beliefs
Fair – be fair to others and also to yourself
Apologies – don’t overapologize and don’t apologize for being alive, making a request, having an opinion, disagreeing
Stick to values – stick to your own values, don’t compromise them just to get what you want or be liked, stand up for what you believe in.
Truthful – avoid dishonesty such a exaggerating, lying, acting helpless to manipulate, making excuses
Discussion questions ~
What are your thoughts about these skills? Do you think some might be helpful for you?
Do you already do them?
Could you add other important things to them?
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@LinearWaves
1. What are your thoughts about these skills? Do you think some might be helpful for you?
Yes, I think these skills could be super helpful to me.
2. Do you already do them?
No, I wish I did.
3. Could you add other important things to them?
I barely know what is in these skills.My life is hellacious right now.I can barely concentrate on anything.
@purpleTree4652
Heya ! It’s good to know these skills could be helpful for you ! I didn’t know them before and they probably could help when dealing with tensions in relationships. I’m not sure if they can be used with people that can’t be reasoned with though, that might be a limit to these skills… I sure hope that some of it can be helpful to face the current issues with your family <3
@LinearWaves
Never really did any DBT exercises etc... but...I surely connected with the "F.A.S.T"!.....
I know I told you all about the former Dance Studio I taught at... Reading over this really took my thoughts back there to that time. Working with other women can surely be a "test". Women are who they are......And frankly a bunch of working together don't always produce great results!
I do believe the reason I am no longer there, is simply BECAUSE I would NOT allow myself to compromise my beliefs, How I felt about certain things (Great instructors being let go over personal feelings, The owner allowing instructors to teach classes without a valid License..... .Firing good instructors for personal reasons and then wanting the remaining instructors to pick up the slack on classes over her choice and decisions... making changes that caused well attended classes to dwindle in attendance and size.... and then Hiring 3 Instructors to be her "Right Hand Man" and help her to run the studio when once again 2 of the 3 weren't even licensed to do what they were doing).......
All of this, while I had no say in it, I tried to ignore it, keep to myself, teach my own classes and walk away when they were over. But still got dragged into the drama of all of it because I was able to continue to maintain my class attendees and remained my own person away from everything that the others were doing. I love being apart of something bigger and being apart of a "Team". But, not at the risk of compromising my own integrity and beliefs. To the point where I finally just felt that I got backed into a corner to "Take and Make a stand" of what was going on in that place and how all of it was affecting no only me personally, but other instructors who felt the same as well.
Not really sure it did any good in the overall long run, or maybe it did and I'm just not allowing myself to see the positives of it all just yet. But in the end, I do feel much better to not classify myself as a "Butt-Kisser" just to still be there in that studio. When I am now in my own! Away from all of that Drama and from what I considered to be nothing more than a "Highschool clique". I'm too old for all of that mess! lol
@PoliteOcean
I’m sorry to hear that this brought you back to thinking about how things went with your former dance studio, although I’m also glad that it’s also hopefully helping you see things from a different eye.
You say you’re not sure it did any good in the overall long run, but I think the fact that you’re sticking to your own values, beliefs and integrity just answers for itself! It’s good to hear that you’re also feeling much better this way, not having compromised your beliefs just to stay in this studio, even though a change of place like that brought insecurities and work to figure out the next steps. I’m really glad that you’ve now found your place again and haven’t had to compromise your true self (which would have been a shame!)!
@LinearWaves
Thanks so much Waves! I really needed to hear all of that. Thanks so much for always having such helpful responses. 
I used to work in the nursing field...and I understand what PoliteOcean was going through, similar symptoms with a different field. My supervisor, actually, was teaching me some of the concepts in the DEAR MAN, including learning to say "No." Then later, after being separated from the job, I was undergoing therapy where I started learning about understanding and managing my own emotions. These tools would have been helpful before things went haywire. A greater understanding of what is happening helps deal with the outcomes.
@courteousKitten4481
Some people can definitely make it hard to work with them, expecting us to compromise our beliefs/values/integrity… It’s good to hear that your supervisor taught you some of the DEARMAN skills, especially saying “no” which can be a hard one. It’s also good to hear you’ve been later able to learn about both understanding and managing your emotions, you’re totally right on the fact that a greater understanding of what is happening is a great help, as well as having the right tools to totally understand them and to know how to deal with them. I’m sorry that you didn’t have the right tools back then, but also really glad that you have them now! I guess some situations are bound to happen and maybe their purpose is to teach us these tools?
@courteousKitten4481
I can totally related to your response as well, as I'm a Nurse too... And was in the Healthcare field for a pretty long time. So I get what you are saying.
Thank you for posting these and for the DBTuesday in general, I am very excited to find these DBT skills resources here. Thank you!!!!!
@ImaginativePenny152
I’m really glad to hear you’re excited for these ! There should be more whenever I can find more time!
Are there other resources you’d be interested in?
I am interested in any resources that are helpful for BPD traits. Thank you!