Are You A People Pleaser?
“People
pleasing is an adaptive response to growing up in an environment where your
primary needs to feel safe, seen, known, validated, and loved was not
automatically met,” said Elizabeth Karina, an attachment and relationship coach.
We all must have tried to please the people around us. However sacrificing our own needs to cater to the people around us can be suffocating and a cause of concern as it can lead to self-abandonment and lack of personal boundaries, among other serious consequences.
Consequences
People pleasers are so ‘other-focused’ that their sense of self does not fully develop. “People pleasing has you living for others, without truly knowing yourself,” she added. It can lead to self-abandonment as “you tend to lack a sense of who you are outside of those around you,” the expert explained.
The other consequences the expert listed include–“the people who are supposed to be closest to you may not even really know you, being too nice, lacking boundaries, saying yes to things you are not comfortable with, and accepting poor treatment, and abuse.”
Some signs of a people pleaser
- Feel guilt by saying ‘no’. You often give up your needs to make others happy.
- Being too nice and struggling with boundaries.
- Avoid conflict at all costs.
- Being constantly concerned about what others think of you.
- You feel responsible for the emotional reactions of others.
- You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you.
How you can tackle the habit of people pleasing
- Get in touch with your body. Start allowing yourself to express and feel your emotions as this can guide you back to yourself.
- Practice saying ‘no’ and expressing your needs.
- Learn how to sit with uncomfortable feelings or communicate uncomfortable things.
- Positive self-talk. Become your own biggest supporter.
- Heal your inner child who carries the emotional trauma from your childhood.
- Rewire negative self-belief systems.
- Get to know what you like. Take yourself out on dates, and explore your preferences and desires.”
Read the full article on The Indian Express
✨Takeaway: Some people may be able to relate with the pressure to please everyone around you. But, putting aside our wants in favor of those around us can be oppressive and cause for worry because it can result in negative self-effects. So, it’s important to learn to set boundaries and practice saying no.
✨Reflection: Are you a people pleaser?
#Pleaser #Relationships #Friendships #Boundaries #Habit #Self
@innateJoy9602 I am. I think I am anyway. I mean I can put a check next to each of the signs.
First thought on how to tackle the habit is- OMG this is going to take me forever to work through!
Emotions- I struggle with so bad. There's often too many different ones and I'm not real good identifying them and then I question if they're right.
Expressing needs- to other people? (horrified gasp) 😅 I was brought up depending on myself
Sitting with uncomfortable feelings- I'm usually so dissociated from those feelings I'd have to find them first
Positive self talk- do you have to believe what your saying at first?
Inner child/ren- I'm trying. Some of them bite though
Rewire- is there a manual for this? My self belief is pretty messed up
Get to know what you like- I have actually been working on this here and there and have a few things that I like that I didn't think I would 🙂
I feel I should say sorry because I cracked jokes here. I mean no disrespect and I'm sorry if I shouldn't have ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
You don't need to apologize. Jokes help bring some lightness💜
I can see how it could be overwhelming trying to tackle a habit like this. It's often easier said then done. But, I'm sure many others can relate. I have my times where I am a people pleaser as well. So, I hear you.
There are so many emotions. You're so right on that. It doesn't help that there are so many similar ones as well. Someone told me before that these four questions can help a bit with pinpointing emotions: What am I feeling? Where do I feel it? Why am I feeling it? What do I need?
Ahh expressing to others can be tough. But, we all need a little help and push sometimes. :) I think with self-talk, part of it is about self-reinforcement. In a way, it makes you listen to what you’re saying. I’m glad you have been working to get to know what you like though! It’s very lovely to have you a part of the community soul. <3 💜
@innateJoy9602 Thank You :) I appreciate your reply. I wrote those questions do to make them easier to remember. I'll have to give them a try
I have such a really hard time admitting I need help with anything. It makes me feel alittle better to know I'm not the only one trying to figure these things out
Thank You again! Stay awesome! :)
@mytwistedsoul
I relate so well to your responses for each questions !! I have already started working on things and trust me saying No brings peace! I am not sure what were the steps I took but I have come a long way. I am so comfortable and confident about myself that i dont bother to think what other people think about me anymore.
You are so right about having to find the uncomfortable feelings first! I still cant do that.
I hope you we all would be able to grow out of people pleasing!🌻
@Sociablestrawberry2202 Thank you for your response! Peace is something I could definitely use and I know I think and worry way too much about what other people think
It so great that you've gotten comfortable and confident with yourself! Yay you! 😊
Thank you I hope I can grow out of it too - your reply gives me some hope that I can ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Yes you can !! 💖
@innateJoy9602
I used to be but in the end saw it only resulted in being used up by others ....... recently i am going through what i call my "selfish phase" and that is not going well either because people do not like losing their chump who have always bent over backward to appease them.
I think others want people to be people pleasers ..... to always do for others before yourself etc.... it in my opinion breeds a whole set of feelings like why am I always last........that can breed anger as well.
when you do break the cycle you have resistance by those who expect you to do for them ....... they feel uncomfortable in your new perspective in wanting your needs met for a change.
@toughTiger6481
A selfish phase is sometimes best. It's nice to take time for our own selves sometimes. It can help you tune into yourself so you're not only aware of your needs, but also able to meet them in a healthy way. I can 100% see how people pleasing can make one question why they are always put last. I'm glad you're putting yourself first now. 💜
Yes! I definitely struggle with being a people pleaser. It is something I am working on changing.
@hardworkingTortoise4579
I like that you can recognize it and are putting in the effort for yourself! 💜
@innateJoy9602
Oh my gosh yeahhhhh I most definitely am a people pleaser, especially in the 'always feels responsible for other peoples emotional reactions' category.
I've currently done some heavy work in regards to figuring out why I have those people pleasing patterns so I'm more aware of when I'm being a people pleaser which enables to control those responses to situations somewhat. It really is a lot of work though imao, it's something that's so deeply ingrained in me.
I've also started applying critical thinking when it comes to accessing the actions of others which hopefully will help.
Also I have been taking steps to improve my self-esteem and self-trust so hopefully that'll go places as well.
Imao the thing I hate the most about being a people pleaser however, is that other people are often aware that I'm a people pleaser and can usually take it to mean I'm weak, or a loser, or can be used or that my kindness isn't genuine, or that I don't really mean it when I say sorry because my apologizing is just how I react to situations given my people pleasing.
@Zevia1MM
Applying critical thinking is an awesome approach. It can be some heavy work, but I feel it is really helpful to grow from in the long-term. Given that it can be so deeply ingrained though, I can see how it would make it all that more challenging. You're very great at introspection by the way! It sounds like you can really self-reflect, recognize and acknowledge your self well. 💜
@innateJoy9602
Yeah, self-reflection is one of my more noticeable strengths :P
@innateJoy9602
I like the quote “People pleasing is an adaptive response to growing up in an environment where your primary needs to feel safe, seen, known, validated, and loved was not automatically met,”
It never come to me the reason behind my people pleasing tendency.
Making sense of why I react in this way help me to gain insight of it!
@democraticCoconut192
I’m glad you got some more insight on some possible reasons behind your people pleasing tendency. Hopefully, you can start allowing yourself to be put first<3 💜
@innateJoy9602
I've been once since i was little. i dont think i can break it now since i'ts expected of me :(
@gregariousPenny8375
It can be hard to break a habit like this. It may take some time. Small steps are always nice. I always say small steps, make big progress<3💜
@innateJoy9602
I think I needed this so badly today.
@gentleBraid2726
Glad it found you then<3 Sending many hugs!💜
@innateJoy9602
Aww! Thank you, Joy! ☺️💛
@innateJoy9602 omg thanks for this write up, I am a people pleaser and am working hard to improve my confidence and learn to say no ! 'You feel responsible for the emotional reactions of others.' and 'You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you' really hits me hard, I feel like getting called out lol. I am learning to take care of myself, to know myself more, so that I can better take care of others, without neglecting my needs ! To all the people pleaser out there , we can do it and we can overcome this !
@yellowNectarine255 to learn not to take things srs. we can only control internal locust of control, anything external its not up to us already !
@yellowNectarine255
Yes! So happy to hear that you’re working hard to say no and improve your confidence! I love how you said: “Without neglecting your needs.” Very very well said! Also, I appreciate your encouraging words to others! 💜
@innateJoy9602 THis definitely me. It's not even something I spent a lot of time thinking about or am consciously aware of but seeing the post is sort of like being slapped upside the head with a good dose of self awarensss.
Some aspects I have gotten better with...I don't agonize about what people think as much as I used to.
I am also more confident than I used to be.
However I still struggle to say no. And feel guilty if I do. I also still avoid conflcit at all costs. I like what you say though about sitting with uncomfortable feelings. One of the small mantras I have made for myself over the last year or so has been...Learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable.
@Blueskymind
Learn to be comfortable with the uncomfortable is a wonderful mantra. I am happy to hear that you have gotten better with not agonizing and being more confident! Its all about making steps forward! 💜
Oh I am! Really a nice post 👌👍👏
@fancyEars5213
Thanks for reading! :)💜
