Addicted on a person
I have complex ptsd after surviving horror. Since then I am always emotionally occupied with unavailable men.
they want relationships and don’t want them and we go on spiraling messages and on/ off.
even though I know I use this to distract me from the real trauma, the pain of this rejections and the withdrawal once we finally breakup really adds up to my already painful and lonely life.
last one, lasted 7 month. I developed such crush/obsession over my best friend. He says it is only close friendship I say it is not. We go on this path over and over.
Today, he asks for a week to think. I feel abandoned and anxious and text him compulsively. Then I feel ashamed for doing so. This him asking for a week, imagine if he break up with me how I will spiral.
I know that will happen as long as I am avoiding my actual traumas. But facing my actual traumatic experiences is far more scary than a bad romance
@bitia
Hi--I'm really sorry that you've had to deal with complex PTSD, surviving all of those horrible things, and now finding yourself in all of these difficult relationship situations. 💜
Can completely understand what you're saying of feeling like being absorbed in those unsatisfying relationships is still possibly easier than trying to work through that trauma. Even if it feels like maybe it's a distraction, thinking about the other stuff feels too scary.
Can also imagine how the situation with your best friend would be really distressing. When he asked for space, and it felt like he was abandoning you and leaving you all by yourself. Because of that feeling of being abandoned, you felt panicked and like you needed to reach out. But as soon as you did, you felt ashamed and guilty like maybe you were bothering him or disrespecting his wishes.
In case if you haven't found it yet, 7 Cups has a Trauma community, which includes a sub-forum for complex PTSD. There are a lot of really amazing, compassionate people there who would be willing to listen and support you if you ever want to share your story. Or even if you feel really nervous and unsafe about sharing your story and want to share that feeling of anxiety, that's probably also something they'd be able to understand really well and validate. Trauma is just really hard. 😟
HERE is also a list of skilled listeners who have been vetted by the community who accept chats on PTSD/trauma and have personally had experience with it.
Wishing you all the best and I hope you're able to find everything you need. 💜