Angry and confused
I found out a week ago my husband of 18 years has been cheating on me for at least the last 5 years (i suspect longer) with a coworker. Physically cheating at work and emailing each other several times a day on private email accounts, talking about everything from their kids to work to their time together and telling each other they live each other. We have 3 kids - one in college, one in hs and one in middle school. He swears its over but admits he is in love with her but loves our family more. I can't trust him. But honestly he's all I've known since I was 19 (over 22 years) and I'm scared. It hurts to think of life without him but it also hurts to think of staying with him. I am so lost and feel so alone.
@reliableFan3554
🥺
I'm sorry this has happened.
I can see how hurt, confused and angry you are.
You didn't deserve his disloyalty and total lack.of consideration.
It's important to give yourself space and time to heal, if you want to give your marriage another go, only you can de ice that but I hope you know, you deserved better 🩷
@reliableFan3554 18 years is a long time to be married to someone. A lot has taken place in these 18 years and you have history. But not only that, you have 3 children together. I can only imagine how you feel to know that the man you have given 18 years of your life to has betrayed your trust and stepped out on his wedding vows. As you know, marriage takes works and it requires 2 willing participants. How much are you willing to take and endure? And for what? To feel the way you do is understandable and more than reasonable. You deserve happiness, love, trust, and loyalty. You deserve to be respected and to feel like you are the most beautiful in his world. Trust is earned. He needs to truly make amends and you will need to truly learn to release and forgive for you if you want to stay with him. It's hard, I can imagine. He's all you known. Life is hard enough and having a spouse is supposed to make navigating easier in life. You deserve to be happy and loved. You deserved to be picked. You deserve to be at the top of the list along with the kids. Please know this. And please know that if your marriage is want you want, you'll both need to fight for it. I truly wish you all the best. Good luck in whatever you decide. ♡
@reliableFan3554
It is shocking to find out things are not as they seemed to be. This is very raw I am sure but can you or do you want to have a real talk with him? Do you want to split up? Do not think about what others would say but how do you feel. Of course, you can be angry, confused, sad, and scared. We go through all sorts of emotions. We may question ourselves, but it was his choice.
My spouse once had an affair. We stayed together it can be done.
I wanted to know why etc and of course the things we speak of sound like pathetic excuses ...It was not about looks or things, but it was about we took US for granted. we let our relationship go on auto pilot and neither of us was really happy. Sure we could smile for family photos and pretend but we were not present with each other.
Fast forward some years and I understood. I was the one who was ignored and taken for granted there was no emotional connection we felt like roommates. Any physical thing like a kiss felt as boring as a fake kiss in a high school play. I met someone else I connected wanted to talk all day with them. We had talks about simple things like music and food. I was listened to, I was appreciated and feelings started to develop. ONLY then did I see how the thing my spouse did had happened. Years spent together or kids do NOT make up for that period. It may keep us together as divorce can be expensive and so many stay until kids are grown etc. Holding on for the story of been together since a certain age or have x number of years together. That makes nice small talk, but nothing is as lonely then putting on a show.
I found we can love someone but not be IN love with them anymore.
If you want to fix it, you need to start over and see if something is still there just between both of you.
I've tried to have a real conversation with him, but anytime I mention anything he avoids discussing anything real; his answers are always "I don't know", "because I'm an a**hole" or "you don't need to know that". He says all I need to know is that it's over. But how can I believe him? He works with her everyday. I don't even know where to start or how to rebuild trust right now.
@reliableFan3554
IMO when people avoid discussion and say things like "I do not know".
It is often because they do not want to face the truth... people will rationalize their every move even if they know it was bad decision.
If he says it is over, you should make plans for you and kids. Ask spouse when he wants to tell your teens he has been cheating and is leaving .. Maybe you and kids could go to where he works to meet the GF reality will B slap them in the face of all the people they effected. Learn your areas divorce laws and child support situation. and review any and all joint assets. Think about how things will be separated.
You may think WTH is Tiger saying... " be prepared and call his bluff"
Many think they can have it both ways keep the gf and have you trying to keep them.
When a choice is made, he has to face reality many in affairs it seems like "if only it would be so good" except, they do not see details. It is no longer fun and secret.......... it is people making judgements destroying their life to piece together a different one What is her situation? is she married? Will she leave her spouse, or will she chicken out after your spouse blows up his life?
How will kids (on either side if she has them) or families accept an affair person in their life. Many times, that doesn't go well at all.
Choosing "IF only" means everyone knows what happened...... How would his friends and family and coworkers approve of his cheating and leaving his family. Many employers do not like this messy situation either. if he does not want to talk to you about it imagine if HR wants to talk at work. I Bet he has not thought about that.
How he can tell your kids "I do not know" or "cause I am an A-hole". when they ask why?
Getting to the raw truth is hard....... not ask and answered and that was easy... it takes layers of real feelings we have not shared. we may share in small doses We ignored or dismissed but it is still there. It takes time and patience many seek couples counseling which is like a disagreement referee.
@toughTiger6481
She's not "married" but has been with the same man for decades and they have grown children together.
I found out about the affair because he left their emails open - I saw that she told him if he told her to run she would. He did not respond to that directly and took the conversation in another direction.
He says he doesn't want a divorce, he loves his kids (or "our family") and can't imagine being away from them on a daily basis and not being there everyday. When he says he loves me it feels more like an after thought, like his priority is his children (which I get) but that he has to say he loves me if he wants me to consider staying. I just feel like his words and his actions aren't aligned. He says he wants to stay but hasn't done anything to make me think he won't just continue down the same path, or that he is remorseful and wants to work through things. I know I can't just continue the way things are, without anything changing (or even a real conversation), and expect a different result.
@reliableFan3554
I can understand. IF he is not wanting to leave, he is not ready. It sounds like she wants out of her "situation" and thought your spouse was a knight save her.
I find from many conversations many have love for their spouse but do not feel IN love with their spouse. You deserve both. There is a lot of work to bring that back, but I believe it can happen. First is recognizing that somewhere you lost a bit or a lot of connection. We do not go back but build forward.
The affair partner is recreating the early stages of a relationship. This can be limerence. it fades fast when people do leave their partners and then they are unhappy and wish they had not thrown their original partner away.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you know you aren’t alone and that you are stronger than you think. You will find a way to navigate it that’s right for you.
