Ball is in his court... Can I save us?
My other half has been stressed recently due to various issues and he won't admit that but it's very obvious.
He said he lost all feelings for me and won't speak to me, our five yard anniversary is in two weeks.
I apologised for some harsh words I said as he was saying hurtful things and also said I am here if he wants to chat but I would leave him alone now. He kept saying he is better alone etc.
So I am on day 12 of no contact and still heard nothing. Definately giving up. We was so strong and planning our future and looking at houses before all this. He basically had a job scare and switched on me. It's a shame he is completely blocking me out and willing to end it like this.
I feel really lost constantly and confused how this even happened and got to this. Is no contact my best bet?
I should probably note when all this first kicked off I was really trying and he just kept ignoring me. Same time though he is a very insecure guy and was very confused, I have no idea how he feels now though.
Well, it's entirely possible that he could be saying that he is better off alone but that could actually mean him closing up and giving up on people and if he's irrationally hard on himself when he's alone then maybe what he said isn't even true even if he doesn't realize it.
But that's just another perspective based on my experiences, that might not be the case.
@Phthalo Yeah this is what I am worried about. He will be away a lot more for work than he already is so is trying to push me away I think. He loves his job which I do understand but he seems to only care about the job all of a sudden. How he prefers being in hotel rooms now and with his DVDs and play station and stuff. I feel like he is pushing me away. I'm not sure if it's intentional due to commitment issues with the house or job security issues or what. I dunno, maybe he just doesn't love me anymore.
@Browneyedgirl26
He is not the one for you.
You say that,
"He said he lost all feelings for me and won't speak to me..."
That is more than enough information to basically tell you, move on. You two are not compatible together. Acknowledge that he does not love you anymore. Love is a feeling, it's not a commitment and a form of contract of happy ever after. You are only making it worse for you and him by attempting to contact him.
The best thing you can do is to remove him from your life. That way you can focus on properly healing and then move on to find a more compatible partner.
Best~
@SenpaiXD
I don't think it's okay to verbalize such conclusions based on just a message. She said her partner has been very stressed recently and it may be possible all his feelings may just be connected to his stress and the fact he also feels lost inside and doesn't know how to cope. Many people believe it's best to remain alone in their fight to become balanced again and tend to reject their lovers as they feel like a failure to them and to everyone. Formulating conclusions about someone's relationship without asking at all about more details is a big mistake in my opinion.
@cristiana33
It is a given. As stated from her passage, the other partner pretty much said this "It's over, move on, I don't love you nor do I plan on talking to you again." There is nothing you can do about that unless you want a forced love, which is an unhealthy relationship on its own. You are stating possibilities while I am stating the factual evidence that is presented up above.
Making unlikely theories while rejecting facts is a big mistake on your part in my opinion.
@SenpaiXD I'm going to have to agree with cristiana on this one.
First of all, when you said "Love is a feeling, it's not a commitment"
What in the actual f?
Do you even have any experience in real life whatsoever?
Feelings change, sometimes as drastically as the weather. If humans made their decsisions based on feelings alone, we'd have more chaos than there already is to begin with.
Let's face it, feelings are fickle and you shouldn't base your major life decisions on them.
With that said, people are A LOT more nuanced than just feelings = love / no feelings = no love. There are many things at play, a lack of the feeling of security, stress, etc can really affect someone's feelings, that is NOT an end-all-be-all on whether someone TRULY CARES or not. I know some people can actually SEE PAST their sometimes temporary (YES! people sometimes lose their feelings temporarily!) loss of butterlies and hormones and lust and work through whatever insecurities that make them instinctively pull back and shut down.
I have seen people work through this.
I am one of these people.
So please, quit assuming your way is somehow absolute truth.
Now onto what you said in your most recent comment: As stated from her passage, the other partner pretty much said this "It's over, move on, I don't love you nor do I plan on talking to you again."
Did the OP actually state that their partner said this, or did you ASSUME that? Is it really a fact if youre putting words in peoples mouths?
So anyway Ill let you answer that one.
Maybe I cant reason with you, but hopefully this post will help remind people that a situation can have more than one possibility and NONE of us know the situation better than the OP and their partner.
I like what cristiana said, Formulating conclusions about someone's relationship without asking at all about more details is a big mistake in my opinion.
@Phthalo
Yes, I do have real life experiences as I am currently in a healthy relationship.
If you had CAREFULLY read what I said, then I have said that you two are not compatible together. In order to have a healthy relationship, you need compatibility skills such as integrity, respect, good communication, good conflict solving skills, compassion, mutual support and so on. Just love is not enough to make a relationship last. And it was evident enough that the two lacked compatibility with each other as they can not communicate their problems + he is ignoring her for 12+ days. That alone can tell anyone that something is very wrong in this relationship.
"He said he lost all feelings for me and won't speak to me...So I am on day 12 of no contact and still heard nothing. ..I should probably note when all this first kicked off I was really trying and he just kept ignoring me. " = "It's over, move on, I don't love you nor do I plan on talking to you again."
Is that not a given? It's a different perspective of looking at it, so to answer your question, no it is not a baseless assumption because it is how he feels based on the action and words given. And in that case, I will also give you give you a reminder of what assumption and facts mean as you seem to be confusing the two words.
Assumption - a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.
Facts - a truth known by actual experience or observation; something known to be true.
Also, don't accept that just because your problem was similar to hers, that it will absolutely work out like you did with hers. I am quite shocked because that is the one of the worst advice you can give to other people. I have seen many people that went past this myself and I ALSO have seen many people not being able to move on and in return, they do not know how to deal with this type of situation properly. And this is one of them.
Every relationship is different and each person is different, there are too many factors to count into play hence that is why she is on here to seek various opinions?
And in all conclusion, they have broken up now in which I think it is the best and correct choice as I first had previously stated. Because now she can focus on working and healing herself properly.
Best~
@SenpaiXD Thanks for letring me know that everything I said was not only pointless but damaging. I keep forgetting that I'm always wrong no matter what
But I guess either I didn't understand properly or you just worded it very very poorly
@Phthalo
I have never said that nor do I think so.
No, you aren't always wrong, that is just absolute bogus and negative thinking. Everyone has the right to express their own opinions and I respect that. But you need to prepare to get criticized if you get the situation wrong or offer wrong advice...etc. I offered advice instead of suggestion because I have personally dealt with these kinds of people and know what will most likely happen.
And also, I agree that,
"With that said, people are A LOT more nuanced than just feelings = love / no feelings = no love. There are many things at play, a lack of the feeling of security, stress, etc can really affect someone's feelings, that is NOT an end-all-be-all on whether someone TRULY CARES or not. "
Best~
@SenpaiXD I thought we weren't supposed to offer advice
But meh
@Phthalo
If I have knowledge, experience, and deep understanding of a certain topic, then yes I can give you my advice. And this topic is one of them.
However, if you base it on pure assumption and your own experience to attempt to "fix other's relationship" like you previously stated, then no. Please don't offer any pieces of advice because you will lead other people down the wrong path.
Best~
@SenpaiXD No lol that's not an excuse but fine go around being arrogant af saying you really know what's best for random strangers on the internet.
@Phthalo What you have said isn't pointless. Everyone has different opinions on how to handle things.
He was in a don't know state of mind and wanted to snap out of feeling that way, he wasn't saying much at all without welling up. There is more to his feelings I am sure of it. He has lots of insecurities and people tend to give up on him. He said himself I'm the first person to ever bother and not give up but his feelings have gone and he can't explain why. I think he is depressed as he shuts himself away and is alone a lot these days in hotel rooms etc, but as he is pushing me away I will just need to get used to it as I can't get to speak to him. It's not as simple as it looks, not from how he was when I saw him. It was really sad to witness.
He needs to figure out in his own head what's upsetting him with life, as he looks at me and just sees commitment as we were buying a house. His job is changing and he might need time to process that I don't know. He hasn't ever had much going on in his life to deal with, so i imagine this is all a shock to his system. His parents have always done everything for him, I've sorted out his money situation, no one has ever died. He loves his job and to hear he will be away every week Monday to Friday going forward knowing I am at home etc is probably upsetting him but as he loves the job he is thinking its for the best etc. When all the redundancy stuff come up I said look for a new job to cover yourself and he didn't want to know, loves the firm. Xx
@cristiana33 Yeah there is more to it, as he is away for work a lot. As replied on the post above.
I feel like he is down and has no one to speak to and is just pushing me away, his parents even said I deserve better about their own son. I really want to support him.
@Browneyedgirl26
There is little you can do for someone who pushes you away. You can make yourself available to him and that should be obvious since you've been together for quite some time already. But it's up to him if he still lets you in or not.
In the meantime, don't let this to put you down as well. You are in a relationship but you also have your own life and your own dreams, needs, wishes. Focus on that and let yourself be as balanced as possible! That doesn't mean you are abandoning what you've built so far with this man, it just means you will not abandon yourself too just to show him you are there for him. Best of luck!
@cristiana33 thank you. Well we have broken up now and as we don't live together I have no access to speak to him. I was going to message u on the chat room but it says you are offline, not really sure how to work this site though.
My heart is definitely breaking and I have no idea how he is now. He might be really happy, this might have caused the stress as he didn't know how to break up. I don't know. I wish I did, xx
@Browneyedgirl26 I'm so sorry it turned out this way. Just letting someone know you still care about them and are there if they need to talk is sometimes enough to convince someone going fast down the path of self destruction to turn around and try to communicate more clearly and try again and stuff.
But sometimes it's not...
And idk maybe I'm just seeing this through a weird lens because of my experiences, maybe I'm talking nonsense and the other replies are correct and he cut you out of his life because he got bored of you like any stereotypical male would.
Maybe I'm trying to not lump everyone into one category for once...idk
@Phthalo thank you for your support 🙂.
It is quite a long story but people would probably not want me to bore them on here with the whole thing. I think that there is more to it than I am being told by him as he didn't want to say if it was over or not, just kept saying he was hoping he would snap out of it and couldn't work out what was going on with his feelings. Just that he felt suddenly felt nothing. It was really horrible to witness. He wouldn't look at me without getting teary, he avoided eye contact.
However, that was two weeks ago now. The two weeks before that he wouldn't speak to me, and the last two weeks since that he hasn't reached out and nor have I. I did tell him via an email that I apologised for some comments as I was hurt, and if he wanted to chat then let me know but I will leave him alone like he wanted.
Breaks my heart it really does as I want to help. His parents don't bother and think I deserve better 😐.
I say all this but he might be happy now and he just didn't know how to tell me he wanted to break up. It's just weird it all suddenly come up when he had redundancy issues at work xx
@Browneyedgirl26
I really feel for what you're going through. My ex did the same thing to me, also right before an anniversary. It is heartbreaking, and exhausting.
if it's only been two weeks, give him a few more days, like you said, the ball is in his court. But realize that it will take two of you to save it. You can't do it alone, and it isn't fair to you to have to try. So if he's done, there's nothing you can do. And the thing I'm learning is, that's not your fault. Because you did what you could. You met him halfway, and even then tried to bridge the gap.
I wish you the best of luck. I know what it's like to lose a romantic partner that is also your closest friend. But whichever way it goes, be proud that you tried. You can only control you, and you did everything in your power.
@carefulBanana3419 thank you. Yeah I need him to want to save it, I just wish I knew how he was feeling. Xx
@Browneyedgirl26 If your best friend, or your sister was in this situation, and said to you what you said to us, what would you tell her?
If HE is stressed out, and HE says he's lost all feelings for you, and HE won't speak with you, and HE says he's better alone, and HE hasn't contacted you in 12 days, and HE is completely blocking you out, and HE keeps ignoring you, why on earth does it seem like you're blaming yourself (harsh words and really trying)?
Dear one, he keeps telling you where he stands. And it's nowhere near you.
@FlamingosWearLipstick well I do have a few regrets but all in all I need him to speak to me about it so I can help him and he won't.
Everyone I speak to thinks he is confused about stuff and he runs away, and I agree. X
@Browneyedgirl26 He keeps demonstrating, over and over and over, for nearly two weeks, that he WILL NOT speak to you. Period. End of story.
Your job now is to take care of you. Your job is to help YOU. I know you still have feelings for him. Of course you do. Completely normal. But he's been clear that his feelings aren't there any more.
TBH, I don't give a flying leap at a rolling doughnut if he's confused about stuff and runs away. If that's the case, he should find his way here, because people here can help. What I care about is you. You're hurting. You asked for help. You're on my radar.
Obviously, I don't know you. And I don't know him. But from what you've said here, he's out. He's done. All the clinging in the world isn't going to change it.
I've been married twice. First time around, it took 14 trips to the ER (in less than 2 years) and my best friend putting our friendship on the line before I was willing to ask for help. Second time, I couldn't leave until I wanted to be happy more than I wanted to be with him, and knew I couldn't have both happiness and him. I've been there. I understand.
@FlamingosWearLipstick Fair enough. Yeah I haven't tried to speak to him in two weeks because ... Well I know I will get ignored so why would l. Doesn't help with feeling ignored though. It can't go back to how it was now and I am slowly realising that.
@Browneyedgirl26 sorry to hear that your relationship is experiencing some challenges. It doesn't sound healthy to be cut out like that, and it may be a sign that your marriage is ending :( when my husband and I called it off we almost felt relieved; we kept tryng to make it work but forcing things only made it harder. We both feel better as acquintances and have been cordial since the divorce. I did some digging and this might help you out :
https://blog.thistoo.co/blog/2016/7/7/how-to-tell-your-spouse-you-want-a-divorce
it gives good tips on knowing when it's actually over. I hope you find happiness, and that the next steps in your relationship go smoothly. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions, I'm always happy to help or just listen. Cheers.
@PensivePanda Thank you :). Well luckily for us we aren't married, we was just at the stage of buying a house after 5 years etc... So if we are going to break up i guess this is the 'right time' before we have bills and ties to eachother ay! xx