Being guilted for wanting to split
We've been together for a few years and are engaged but things have deteriorated to IMO unsalvageable circumstances. We argue non stop over nothing, nothing I do is ever good enough to make her happy, I'm in a constant battle of walking on eggshells. Without getting too into it, one example is I brush my teeth at work because if I take too long getting ready she thinks I'm trying to impress someone and cheat on her. For the record, I never cheated on her and work with all men. My financial stability is non existent because we fight over everything I can't even pay my bills without a hassle.
We have a one year old, she has a 9 and 11 year old from a previous marriage and I have a 6 year old from a previous marriage as well.
When I've said I want to leave, I get guilted into staying by her telling me I'm a bad dad. That I'm the worst person ever for hurting the kids like that and that they look at me more as their dad than their actual father (which is true) and that the baby is going to be so sad and confused if I'm not there every day. Now this is all said in a much more nasty/demeaning way.
I don't want to hurt the kids at all, but at the end of the day, why is it my responsibility that their real father isn't around? I don't want them to think another man walked out, but I don't think I need to sacrifice my happiness and everything for that. Even though I feel awful saying that too. I'm miserable, she's miserable. All we do is fight. It's not a healthy spot for any of our kids to see and I feel like I can be a better dad to mine if we weren't together. I don't think I'm evil for wanting to move on
Untamed by Glennon Doyle is a great book. She talks about how some parents try to stay together for the kids, even if that means an unhealthy relationship and a bad example to the kids what a relationship should look like. Glennon Doyle asks, is the relationship you’re in a relationship you’d want for your children? And what does an unhealthy relationship mean for you and raising your child and parenting? How can you be the best parent if you are in an unhealthy relationship that is likely bad for your mental health? Unfortunately she is just using the kids to guilt you. Leaving would be the best thing for them. And no her children are not your responsibility, only if you want them to be.
I will agree with other poster staying for kids or whatever does NOT help ... the kids know you and she are miserable. ........ sounds like you are doing a decent job as a step dad....but really making them think marriage is a prison sentence will effect their future relationships....
you owe your best to your children and while you may feel for the others it........ sometimes the ebst things to do are hard but worth it.
Work an arrangement to still see all the kids
@friendlyMango9680
Hi.
It must feel absolutely awful and anxiety-inducing to feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells. I know the feeling, and it sucks!
Sometimes we think that if we do just enough self-abandonment, it will make the other person happy, and they will finally be able to see us and give us love. Unfortunately, it does not work that way. Each person is responsible towards preserving their own health, and happiness/contentment. Our feelings are our responsibility.
There's only so much one can give when they are tired. There's only so much you can give when you're feeling unhappy and tired. Doing what's right for you, taking care of yourself, and taking the loving action towards yourself, will fill you up, and in turn, allow you to have so much more to give to those you care about.
People guilt us to get us to do what they want. However, we do not have to be controlled. I know it sounds so simple, but it is true - we do not have to be controlled.
Her feelings are her responsibility and your feelings are yours.
Children are very smart and they can see everything.
I hope you take the loving action towards yourself even if it feels scary. I also encourage you to define for yourself what makes you a good dad.
Wishing you the best.