Breakup Advice/Still Holding On To Hope
hey all! i’m sorry if this ends up being long winded but i’m having lots of issues processing this and i’m really frightful for the future.
my boyfriend of a year and a half recently broke up with me this past saturday. we had on and off issues with arguments, a lot of it being because of his issues with keeping up to his promises. after an argument on new year’s eve, we agreed to take a break so he could get the space he needed to let things cool off. it was a semi-contact break, where we’d check up on each other here and there. he always would say “we’re not breaking up” and “there’s nothing to be scared of” so i didn’t worry too much about it.
fast forward to saturday. i notice he changed his *** profile picture (which used to be a pic of us together) to a pic of his friends. i asked him about it. he said “i’m sorry, im just lost. i don’t think it’s a good idea for me to stay. i’m not the same person i was a month ago, and i don’t feel any better.”
he came over later to get his things, and we had a conversation about it just so we didn’t end it off unanswered. i just asked him why, and this is what he said:
”i don’t know. i still love you, i will always love you, but i haven’t been feeling like myself lately. i haven’t been eating, sleeping, and i even quit rocket league.” (rocket league was a big importance to him since he was on a semi-pro team). “i haven’t had a libido, and i keep feeling chest pain all the time.”
he then went on to say “let’s be honest, i wasn’t the best boyfriend to you. i kept making you question things in the relationship and worrying you, and i know there’s thousands of guys out there that would treat you much better. it’s because i love you that i have to let you go. i don’t want to hold you back.” i told him that i didn’t feel this way at all, that i just wanted him. and he said:
”maybe if we cross paths again in the future, we can try again. but i don’t feel like now is the right time.”
we talked a bit after that, i just told him i’d be here for him if he ever wanted to reach out. i kept saying i love you and he would say it back, and even said that i’m his first love. we hugged and kissed, and i just feel like i should’ve held on to him a little longer. he’s even keeping the chain necklace i got him as a memory of me, and i’m just devastated.
it’s been about 4-5 days. i keep hoping that we can try again in the future and there’s still hope because we didn’t have an abusive or toxic dynamic, just small arguments that i look back at and shake my head. because none of them were that big of a deal. but i’m also worried about his mental health. he looked like he lost a bit of weight and i’m concerned for him too. i’m worried about so many things, like what if i wait for him to reach out and he never does. what if i reach out in a month or two and he doesn’t answer. what if he finds someone new. what if he forgets about me. i want so badly to start again, and i know we both need to heal, but he’s always been avoidant and “deal with it on my own”, so i’m afraid he’ll never reach out.
i really saw my future with him. he’s the one and only guy i dated that i really was convinced was perfect for me. and now we’re just strangers almost. i haven’t texted to check if he blocked my number or not because i want to respect his space, but it’s really just weighing on me heavily and i’m not sure who to go to. when i DO reach out to someone, i get mixed advice. “he could be lying about his mental health” “maybe he was just trying to let you off easy” “just move on, he’s not coming back.” but i just feel in my heart it was meant to be. is there such a thing as right person wrong time?
sorry i know this is a lot, i’m just struggling really hard right now.
Hey there, hope you are doing well. I could only imagine the pain and hurt you must be going through around this time. I think dealing with a breakup is one of the most hurtful things to go through. I believe it's important to think about the way he ended things. I think the priority shouldn't be to reach out first or check on him, it should be taking the time to heal from the breakup, allowing him to deal with whatever he has on his mind and then letting him reach out.
You mentioned the arguments were not "such a big deal", but they are important to you, it can't be where you are minimizing your feelings just to stay with someone. A person breaking promises often can break trust and cause a feeling of disconnection on the other partner, and it can easily lead to a breakup. It's quite tough to form a connection with someone who's avoidant because they will constantly push you away. It's important to really consider your feelings, and carefully think if this person can be a long term partner.
while i would agree to let someone be alone for awhile the items you spoke of in him giving up interest in something that was important to him... and the chest pain/ low libido etc and even saying he does not feel like himself ..........
i would want my partner if he said that to have medical checkup or perhaps a therapy session if mental health. I understand for your part that you would like to be involved etc but some paths people need to take themselves.
i am currently going through something similar so i really feel you. i was with someone a few years back that was severely depressed and wouldn’t do anything to try and fix it after family, friends, and i tried to offer advice. while his mental health was very important to me and i tried like heck to help him, it took a real toll on me. it may be selfish to leave when something like that happens but it was the best for the two of us looking at where we are now. we aren’t together, he is with a long term girlfriend now and i just got broken up with.
mental health is very important but if he doesn’t reach out for help from anyone, it won’t be a full recovery for him. he could easily go back into his slump and depression again without proper guidance. it has happened to me because i never reached out for help. i would isolate myself and be numb for a while every few months. it would happen after long exposure to stressful environments and being in large crowds. i would need my time to recharge and that’s just how i did it. i would recommend, if he reaches out, to give advice to reach out to someone for help. no matter who it is, as long as he has someone to lean on in times of trouble. i would also recommend you reaching out here and there to check in with his mental health, not about your relationship with him. you need to be a good friend who can listen if he wants to talk about it.
i wish you the best of luck, it gets better with time. i know i hate when people tell me that, but it does. i promise you that. right person wrong time is completely real. and i am still going through that. the love of my life has been my right person wrong time for the last 3 times we dated and that was in the span of 5 years. i hope we end up working out in the future but it’s time for me to work on myself to better the possibility of a future with him or anyone. i recommend you do the same !
