Husband cant decide between me or his mistress now girlfriend.
Ive been with my husband for 17 years and we have 3 kids together. About 5 years ago i started to become unhappy and when i tried to talk to him about it he would become defensive and dismissive.
About 3 years ago i made a huge mistake. I had an affair with a coworker. It devasted my husband when he found out. But it ended. My husband did everything he could to "win my heart back" but i wasnt ready yet i needed some space and his crying and begging made things worse.
Well within a few months i started to feel happy again and I realized how stupid i was for risking everything and so i put in effort to make my marriage work. 6 months after my my husband started an affair. I found the messages and within a week he was telling her he loves her. I asked him tostop. A week later i found out he hadnt. So i contacted her to let her know he was married (he lied to her) and he got so angry with me that he left me.
Its been a year since this happened. This past year has been a pattern. He moves out for a month and then asks to come home saying he sorry. I let him home and usually within a week or two i would find more messages from her promising he was workking on a divorce. I would let her know that he was living with me again and lying to herand he would get angry and leave again. Then he involved yet a 3rd woman who he would tell the same lies to but she didnt mean as much to him as the first other woman. She was a backup i think.
He has come home about every other month this past year and promised to end it but he never did and her and i both continued to tolerate it.
Well 1 week ago after being home for 2 weeks, he said he needed space overnight. That he wasnt sure he could forgive my affair. That i hurt him and changed him. But he said these things in a rage and told me some very hurtful things and called me names. He told me that to touch me made him feel disgusted and how she was everything i was not. And left. He moved in with her. He never intended it to be one night but didnt have the courage to tell me.
Hes living with her now but I love him and this is not the man i knew. This is not him. He was always faithful until all this and i cant help but feel like its all my fault. I know it is actually. He calls me and text me tells me that he loves me but is undecided on who he wants. That he doesnt know what to do.
Its been 1 week. Now i have become the mistress. He sees me behind her back and weve had sex a few times. He acts to his family and friends that everything is fine they have no idea he moved out. We still act like we are married and we enjoy each others company, no fighting. But at night he leaves to her home and then doesnt reply or answer if i try to contact him. Until the next morning when hes gone to work he wil call and just wants to act like nothing.
I struggle because the fact that he tells me he loves me and we get along so great makes me hold on and hope that hes just going through a hard time but in the end will come home. But then again he does not show signes of coming home. He has us both. I dont know if i should fight for my husband or just let him go. I want him back but i want him faithful.
My friends tell me its a lost cause and to give up but my heart cant. Im stuck. I know its a long post but I felt the need to give the back story.
@imaginativeCoconut6807
I'll be as honest as possible. I think is very clear you two are unhappy. Firstly you had an affair and after that happened is clear he got really damaged and you broke his trust. Because of that he's doing the same. Is it right? Of course not. Lying , aka being unfaithfull is never ok. So at my eyes you two aren't ok with each other. Sometimes we love people very much but we are selfish to the point we do mistakes hurting others, instead of admiting "I'm unhappy" and fixing things as clearly as possible and moving on.
In my opinion you both should go your seperate ways, but again this is simply my opinion. In the end is still your life and your and your husbands decision.
@Booklover95
Thank you for your words. I do feel like youre right logically. Sometimes i think that if we could just heal from the affairs we could be happy. If he would leave her and join me in talking to someone to help. If he would try to heal too instead of holding on to the anger. But I do think thats delusional thinking and yet sometimes im so hopeful. I needed someones thoughts who arent involved. Thank you.
@imaginativeCoconut6807
I completely understand what you are going through. While not the same situation, my husband and I have been together for almost 5 years now, and he started an affair with a coworker 6 months into our marriage (after being together 3 years). We had been through a few job changes, moved twice within a year, and there was a lot of stress with his new job that affected us. None of that justifies cheating, but he claims he was getting depressed and that he felt no support from me; that I neglected him first and assumed it was about us, and says his depression had nothing to do with me. However, I did ask him and I tried for so long to reach him; we even tried counseling. He didn't want to be there because he didn't think anything was wrong with us; according to him he was just depressed. He slowly became a different person, until I couldn't recognize him anymore. I also had an abortion a little under a year ago, which added strain. A month before we were supposed to go on our honeymoon, his depression got so bad that one day I was afraid to leave him alone for fear of him hurting himself, and I was scared and called someone to help, but they lied to me and took him to the hospital instead of coming in and just talking to him like they said they would. He felt betrayed and thought I had him commited on purpose (of course I didn't, I was scared of losing him and didn't know who to call), and threatened to divorce me. I then went away to my parent's place for awhile and we separated to reset our relationship. But the fact is that he had turned to her way before his depression was bad, and kept seeing her on and off the whole time we tried to work on things. She's a single mother of two, 10 years older than us, and she is an alcoholic, like a lot of his other work friends. I didn't find out about the affair until this past summer, but I knew in my gut when things started with her back in November of 2016. It was emotional cheating at first, then became physical. We had a rough holiday season, and now he says he just feels like crap when he's around me because he can't forgive himself for what he did, yet he keeps this cycle of depression, drinking, making poor choices and reaching out to her. I'm feeling the same way you are, I can't let go of us and I know the man I married is still in there. It just hurts so much to see the one person you would do anything for in this state but not getting help. I truly hope you can find a way for you and your husband to heal and repair the damage. I get how difficult it is to give up and throw in the towel after you have built a life together. Whichever way things turn out, you deserve happiness and peace. <3
@Booklover95
I guess my next thoughts are how do i move foward knowing i ruined his life my kids lives and my life? I dont even know where to start
@imaginativeCoconut6807 I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's clear that you love your husband and given the choice of finding a way to save your marriage or leaving the life you built with him behind, the first choice is what you're truly hoping for. And it's a beautiful thing, after all of the pain and misery you've been through, that you still see your marriage and the man you're married to as worth it, that your happiness with him is worth more than the pain you've suffered. There's guilt from your own infidelity. And it saddens me to know that you tolerate his infidelity, that somehow you think you deserve to hurt because you hurt him. But that isn't love. You can't love and resent someone at the same time. After the pain, after resentment, there can eventually be forgiveness. You can't make him forgive you. But you can begin to forgive yourself. That's not the same as excusing the broken trust or rationalizing the mistakes you made. It's about understanding the difference between who you are and the mistakes you made. The infidelity doesn't have to define you if you don't let it. As for the marriage, I really hope you and your husband can find a way back to each other. I know from experience how devastating it is to be cheated on. Your husband might never be the same as he was before. To save the marriage, both you and your husband have to be willing to trust each other completely, to risk hurting each other even more for the sake of being happy together again. Giving up and walking away is hard, but it's so much easier than putting everything on the line for each other. I hope the both of you can find peace one way or another and stop the terrible cycle of pain.
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@imaginativeCoconut6807
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Ive been with my husband for 17 years and we have 3 kids together. About 5 years ago i started to become unhappy and when i tried to talk to him about it he would become defensive and dismissive. (You are doing the mature thing here by communicating how you felt, it shows you valued the marriage and him, howeer he would dismiss your feelings, behave defensive to push you, and using logic and reason. His behavior would make you feel disconnected from him, and then you'll see him as a threat even if you are unaware of it).
About 3 years ago i made a huge mistake. I had an affair with a coworker. (This wasn't a good idea, it's not justified, but I can tell your needs were not met by your husband, however you didn't want to end the marriage out of fear). It devasted my husband when he found out. (Its understandable he would feel this way). But it ended. My husband did everything he could to "win my heart back" but i wasnt ready yet i needed some space and his crying and begging made things worse. (The way he begged and cried communicates he doesn't have self respect, one of his ways to get people to do what they want is by crying and begging. This kind of behavior will actually turn you off, cause you to feel smothered, and then it'll make you want space away from him).
Well within a few months i started to feel happy again and I realized how stupid i was for risking everything and so i put in effort to make my marriage work. 6 months after my my husband started an affair. (This tells me you and him didn't put enough emphasis in loyalty and intengrity, it wasn't a good idea what he did.) I found the messages and within a week he was telling her he loves her. (This tells me has unmet needs, hungry of love, a projection of hope. He is coming on too strong, and this other women has basically become an object to project his unmet needs). I asked him tostop. A week later i found out he hadnt. (He is not listening...) So i contacted her to let her know he was married (he lied to her) and he got so angry with me that he left me. (There was no need to contact this other woman, it would have been better to end the relationship after he cheated and didn't stop talking with her. He probably got angry in a way to blame you for everything).
Its been a year since this happened. This past year has been a pattern. He moves out for a month and then asks to come home saying he sorry. (He is doing this out of loneliness, desparation, neediness, not out of love and care). I let him home and usually within a week or two i would find more messages from her promising he was workking on a divorce. (He is behaving very deceiving, stringing you and this other woman along for his own selfish needs. This is the kind of person who are only focus on themselves, and not considerate of how his actions would make other people feel). I would let her know that he was living with me again and lying to herand he would get angry and leave again. (There's no need to text her...it would have been better to end the relationship. I'm starting to think he could be punishing you by getting angry and leaving again. He is not handling things on a mature way, there's a lot of manipulation and deceit). Then he involved yet a 3rd woman who he would tell the same lies to but she didnt mean as much to him as the first other woman. She was a backup i think. (She was just another form of supply to his void and unmet needs).
He has come home about every other month this past year and promised to end it but he never did and her and i both continued to tolerate it. (This has become a pattern now, what makes you think he will stop lying and cheating you after the 20th time?)
Well 1 week ago after being home for 2 weeks, he said he needed space overnight. That he wasnt sure he could forgive my affair. (There's a lot of resentment coming from him and you, this marriage is broken beyond repair). That i hurt him and changed him. (The cheating would cause him a lot of hurt yes, but not change him. You are not responsible for the way he "changed", he made that decision). But he said these things in a rage and told me some very hurtful things and called me names. (He is being abusive, devaluing you) He told me that to touch me made him feel disgusted and how she was everything i was not. And left. (He is being abusive, you shouldn't tolerate with this kind of behavior). He moved in with her. He never intended it to be one night but didnt have the courage to tell me.
Hes living with her now but I love him and this is not the man i knew. (You'll see how people truly are in times of uncertainty) This is not him. (The man you see doing these kind of things is the real him, this is his true personality not the person who said "sorry" and gave fake promises when you let him in your life). He was always faithful until all this and i cant help but feel like its all my fault. (You did cheated on him yes, but he is responsible for what he does after. If the cheating was so hurtful then he should have left you for good and then find someone else, but instead he kept running back to you. You learned from what you did, you tried to make it right to him, but he decided to cheat on you multiple times. No one forced him to cheat on you or to change who he is, he decided to do it). I know it is actually. He calls me and text me tells me that he loves me but is undecided on who he wants. (He is doing this to test the waters, to see if you are still hooked. He says "I love you", but that part of the sentence is invalid, the real meaning is "undecided on who he wants". Are you going to put your life on hold for someone who doesn't what they want).That he doesnt know what to do.
Its been 1 week. Now i have become the mistress. (You have chosen to become the mistress...). He sees me behind her back and weve had sex a few times. (You are giving him everything freely without making him work for it after what he did, this is going to make him take you for granted and be more undecided. We create our own value, what you are communicated to him is this "You can leave me anytime you want, cheat on me, become abusive and I will still accept you no matter what you do or say", this will make him lose respect for you). He acts to his family and friends that everything is fine they have no idea he moved out. We still act like we are married and we enjoy each others company, no fighting. (That's not true, I can tell you are unhappy and hurt deep down with this situation, so I don't think you are truly enjoying his company). But at night he leaves to her home and then doesnt reply or answer if i try to contact him. (You are tolerating this behavior from him...) Until the next morning when hes gone to work he wil call and just wants to act like nothing. (For him this isn't a big deal or important, all he cares is about himself).
I struggle because the fact that he tells me he loves me and we get along so great makes me hold on and hope that hes just going through a hard time but in the end will come home. (The way he talks about going through a hard time is to control and manipulate, he is playing the victim role to make you feel sorry for him so you stay with him. He would have been more considerate of your feelings if he really loves you, the only person he loves is himself). But then again he does not show signes of coming home. He has us both. (You allow it to happen by staying with him) I dont know if i should fight for my husband or just let him go. (Let him go, nothing good will come out of it) I want him back but i want him faithful. (He will not change for you, he has proven this time after time again)
My friends tell me its a lost cause and to give up but my heart cant. (Your friend is right. You are afraid of being alone, afraid your unmet needs will stay unmet, and other things) Im stuck. I know its a long post but I felt the need to give the back story.
