I don't know what my life is without him

@Mel44

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;

My husband of 17 years told me on July 5th he wants a separation and a divorce. He said he was moving out to an apartment he had for the last 3 months. (This probably came out of no where, at one point it feels like everything is fine, but then you hear about all of this and it comes as a shock). He felt like I didn't care about him anymore that I didn't desire him. I know we've had some problems for a couple years but I had no idea he felt this way. (Did he ellaborate why he felt this way? What made him feel this way?)I told him it wasn't fair that he hadn't said anything to me, that he couldn't just say all this and leave without giving me a chance. (You are right it isn't fair, you are not a mind reader who will be able to read his mind to find out what its wrong with him, i get the feeling he expected you to know, but even so its still unfair). I got him to agree to see a marriage counselor but he said he wouldn't promise anything, so I looked into the counselling while he was away shortly after he left, he hasn't done anything with it but I have been going to therapy for weeks now. (His response of "i wouldn't promise anything" does show he is not a 100% on it, so more than likely the marriage counseling might not be effective. He needs to be 100% sure and commited to doing this, it's important to have him choose freely if he wants to do this). I have also seen my doctor and they have both told me I have severe depression and have for quite a while, this was just the catalyst to finally bring it to my attention.

I told my husband about the depression and he said he knew I was and he was sorry for not pushing me to go deal with it. (I get the feeling he knew you had severe depression, but didn't know what to do or how to support you). It hurts me so much that he knew that I was going through something like that and he still left me and said I had stopped trying, (Well the thing is that more than likely you told him that because you trust him, but the other reason was to make him stay with you. If you stopped "trying" then he also stopped trying). when I hadn't stopped trying I was just so depressed I didn't have the strength to do anything. (Well depression is very overwhelming, it usually takes a lot space in one mind to the point it affects everything). He's been pushing me away for the last year and I've been trying so heard to just let him know I love him. (Pushing you away...this explains why you stopped trying. If you felt this way then you'll begin to back away, not interested in intimacy or him, but this has to do with the way he has been showing up)But he says he loves me he's just not in love with me anymore. (This is such a confusing statement either he loves you, or he doesn't theres no in between. He is acting unsure and doesn't know what he wants). I don't know how to do this without him, he's my best friend, he's the man I want to spend my life with. (This tells me that you rely on him heavily for happiness) Everyday I wake up and my heart breaks cause I don't feel his touch, see his smile or hear his voice. (This is part of separation anxiety, you are feeling his absence so you are bound to feel this way).

In therapy this week we talked about how he's been a different person for a little while and do I want to be with that person, I think he's been that way because he's felt hurt because according to him I don't care for him anymore, (The fact is that he didn't communicate with you, the way he has felt hurt and that you don't care probably has to do with other things. If you didn't care about him then you would have easily left him, not try to make him feel love etc. He may be dealing with certain issues that probably has nothing to do with you) but I know I've been feeling better now that my depression and I know if he'd give me a chance we could both be more like we were when we were happy. (I'm glad you are feeling better, but you got to have a non attach approach here, because the more you try to keep him when he wants to leave, the more it pushes him away). But the question also broke up the idea of him not giving me a chance and really leaving, ending our marriage. (Your response should be "Hey I love you, I want to us to work on our marriage, but hey if things change and you change your mind then contact me, i wish you the best", that way he will be able to come freely to you). And I don't even know how to deal with that, I just feel panic at the thought of trying to continue my life without him in it, (You want him to stay because you love him, but also so you wouldn't have to go through the panic and hurt, to soothe your own anxiety as well. It's important to be aware of this because you are trying to hold onto him when he wants to leave, so its like not fully listening to what he wants). he's been a part of everything I've done for half my life and I don't know how to keep doing that when he's now missing from all of it. And when I still love him as much as I always have, even now when he's hurt me in the worst way possible, all I want is to hold him and tell him how much I love him and not to throw me away, I can still make him happy if he'd just give me a chance. (I could tell you are experiencing fear of abandonment, separation anxiety, feeling lost without him, so it might make you do things whether they are positive or negative to get that closeness back, and when you don't get it makes you feel hurt and sad, which is understandable since he is leaving, but you shouldn't try to keep someone who wants to leave, you would want them to stay on their own free will. There's a saying "if you love someone set them free, if they comeback its yours".) I don't want a future that doesn't have him in it.