I don’t want my ex back but I can’t stop painshopping after finding out that I might have been emotionally cheated on and lovebombed

Apologies for the long post. Nine months ago, my (27F) ex (25M) dumped through text while I was crying and begging on the phone. Just hours before, he told me he loved me and couldn’t live without me. We met on Reddit and were long-distance for most of our nearly 1.5-year relationship. He first messaged me when I was struggling with something personal, and we became friends. After he broke up with his LDR ex (who I didn’t know existed at the time), things between us escalated. I caught feelings but held back because of his recent breakup, until he told me he was in love with me. I normally avoid fast-paced relationships, but this felt like an exception. I felt seen in a different way. 

The relationship was emotional and toxic at times, mostly due to both our mental health struggles, but it also felt really good. He told me I was his soulmate early on and later said he wanted to marry me. I believed him, so when he dumped me via text, it destroyed me. I stayed in NC, focused on therapy, and blocked him on everything except Reddit, where he had already blocked me first. I just wanted to focus on moving forward and muted my social media notifications to work on my mental health.

About a month ago, I left a comment on my main account about my experience and reflections with the breakup. It was honest, but I didn’t name him or attack him. A few days later, while clearing out message requests, I found out he unblocked me and had been sending me messages for months—birthday wishes, life updates, and asked for favors, but the most recent ones were aggressive. He found my Reddit comment and accused me of faking everything, swearing at me, and even sending a photo of a couple-themed tattoo he got of us after dumping me. I didn’t reply, so he kept going. I eventually broke NC to set boundaries. I told him the comment wasn’t malicious, called out his messages, the tattoo, aggression, and told him not to contact me again. After that, I went to his Reddit profile to block him and saw posts and comments about still loving me, which made everything feel twisted given how he left. The whole thing honestly reopened the wound.

Eventually, with more therapy, my mental health improved. I finally turned my social media notifications back on. That’s when I accidentally opened a message from a girl my ex was talking to who I mistook for a friend. I realized his *** was still logged into my phone from months ago when he borrowed it during a trip. He shared his login with me before (just like he did with his ex), saying he had “nothing to hide.” I never checked it until now. I know I shouldn’t have looked and I’m not proud of it, but what I saw shook me. 

I know he rarely used ***, but he recently did to talk to her after she deleted her Reddit account. Their chats showed him spamming her with messages and being sweet to her, but I saw that quickly after I set that boundary, he dialed the sweetness up—calling her “my princess” (a nickname he used for me), called her other possessive nicknames and used the same tone he used early on with me. She replied in a way that felt more polite and platonic (even called him a friend). It felt calculated to me, like he was trying to repeat the same pattern. From what I saw, they met and started talking on Reddit while he and I were still together. He never told me about her, even though we would always share whenever we made new friends.

Was I love-bombed? I heard the term before, but I don’t know much. He used to tell me that no one made him feel the way I did, and that the things he said to me are exclusive to only me, but I don’t know if that’s real anymore. I usually clock such actions, but this felt different. I truly thought our connection was real. Now I wonder if he was just monkey-branching from one person to the next, feeding the same thing to each girl. He did something similar with his ex too which led to an argument back then, but he denied it. He would even ask this girl if he helps or takes away her pain just like he did with me. 

Even though I don’t love and want him anymore, I feel messed up. It’s been months since the breakup, but now I’m filled with anger at him and myself for giving him a chance. I feel robbed. Like I gave so much of myself to something that might have been fake. I also hate that I’m still painshopping. I haven’t logged out of his account even though its wrong and I really know I should. I keep looking for closure, for some kind of confirmation that things were real or if he emotionally cheated. I want to stop circling back, but I don’t know how to actually let it go. I know I shouldn’t care because he’s my ex, but the whole thing is making me question reality. I need some advice and encouragement :(

TL;DR: My ex love-bombed (?) me, dumped me over text, then did the exact former thing to another girl. Now I’m spiraling if anything he said to me was ever real or not.