I love my boyfriend but he treats me badly

Hii @KJ001.

Even i am in that same situation. My boyfriend also behaves in that way and i always find myself begging to him even if i have done nothing wrong. He makes me feel guilty of everything and he has that ability of turning things upside down around me. Every single morning i would wake up and think of him hatong me or not missing me at all. We dont stay together but we work in the same office but sometimes he would treat me as bad as you could think. I recently thought a bit about this and found out that I am completely dependant on him which is why i am unable to stay up without him.

I have tried doing things that scares the hell out of me. I have started doing things that i was unable to do without him and struggled to say a no to him most of the time.

Try doing this first later you would get to know things automatically will get sorted out.

@KJ001

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

Today has been one of the hardest days of my life. I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months now. We're in a long distance realtionship because he's 2.5 hours away from me at uni and then almost 2 hours away when he is at home. I love him so much. I try and spend as much time with as I can because I love being with him and he really does have the ability to make me really happy. The problem is that we argue, quite a lot. (You both have your own set issues from each other past, so you two will trigger each other often. There's no safety in this relationship, one or both sides feel disconnected from one other and then it causes anxiety). It's really hard to be apart and I feel like that doesn't help. (This could probably has to do with feeling anxiety and having a hard time regulating your emotions and feelings when you two are apart). When we argue he will get really mean and say "I don't love you or care about you" or "it's hilarious because you're all on your own without me." *(He is being rude and disrespectful by saying ""I don't love you or care about you" and he is not showing empathy for how it will make you feel. The way he says"it's hilarious because you're all on your own without me." is somewhat abusive, he is minimizing your feelings and you as a person by saying those things. He is taking a jab about something you are going through you feel less than him, while he has the power of the relationship and over you. His behaviors are starting to sound toxic and unhealthy at this point) That is definitley true, I have no friends and my family aren't ideal so I do really feel like I only have him. (I know this is something you are strugguling with and looking for someone you can bond with, but he is using what you go through and how you feel to his advantage so he can keep you contained). It has all came to blows a little bit because of his ex girlfriend. He is refusing to talk to me and has ignored all of my messages and phonecalls. (This is his way of telling you he doesn't want to talk, its childish and immature, but you shouldn't try to reach out to someone who is doing this to you. You keep sending messages and making calls to calm down your anxiety, he has become an object at this point. Your value in his eyes will continue to decrease when you behave this way.) He says he still really cares about her and he will check where she is and what she's doing, even in front of me sometimes, which he knows really upsets me. (He is being upfront with you, however this is a way to push you away when he feels you are too close or want something from him).Then if I ask him about it he will either say I accept it or he won't be me so as much as I hate it, (He is using a manipulation tactic here by saying "Either you accept it or i won't be with you much", is a way to make you do what he wants. He handled this incorrectly, he using the fact you won't leave him to say it like that). I'll try and bare it because I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. (The more you fear losing him, the more you'll do things to gain closeness, and then it'll lead him to back away). He has a really good way of turning everything around on me, even if he has done something wrong which makes me feel really guilty and I end up being the one apolgoising. (This tells me he doesn't have the ability to be responsible and accountable for his own actions, he tends to project how he feels on you, blames you for things when its not your fault at times. You shouldn't apologize for things you didn't do, you are doing this to not lose his love, which can also be manipulative tactic as well.) I don't want to and I know in my head that I shouldn't be he's pretty persuasive about it. (That's not true, you know when you are right or wrong, however you bend to his twisted logic to not lose his love and so he won't leave you). I then end up trying to spend all my time making it up to him because of what he thinks I did (There's no need for this...this is a way to not lose his love so this will actually enable his behavior and then he will treat you worst) and then we end up in a circle again because if he's nasty to me his excuse is, "I'm just getting you back for what you did to me." (These are the statements of someone who is cold, distant, doesn't really care how it makes you feel, and someone who is not willing to modify his behavior for you. People like this don't really change unless they have hit rock bottom). I literally do everything for him, I drive 240 miles every weekend to see him when he NEVER comes to see me, I do all his washing and ironing and I pay for well over 50% of the things we do. I'm really confused because he does make me cry a lot and feel rubbish about myself but then when it's time to leave him I get all upset and don't want to go. (Relationships are like investments, which means you shouldn't invest so much when the other person isn't investing at all. You are doing so much to not lose him, but he is not making the effort at all. Your fear of being alone is the real reason you are staying with him, not because of love or feelings.)I cry almost every single day we are apart because of how much I miss him. (This has to do with separation anxiety). I really do love him and want things to work but I don't know how to make him see that all the arguments aren't just because of me. (You won't be able to...He is constantly in denial, distorting reality, blaming, projecting, being abusive and disrespectful. It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with him, he will only hurt you and make you feel sad). It sounds really silly saying how much I love him because he has also cheated on me when he went on a night out. (You don't feel love for him, you are projecting all of your unmet needs into him). He only kisse the girl but to me that is cheating. (If its a kiss on the lips then yes). He also accuses me of cheating with my ex behind his back, something I would never do to him and also I haven'e spoken to my ex in well over a year. (That's called projection, he has cheated on you, so now he is acussing you of cheating and doing things behind his back. People like this will project what's inside into you, the fact he said this communicate he might have some cheating with an ex or something). I'm just struggling with why someone who says they love me so much can suddenly turn on me when I try and explain to him that he has upset me. (This is similar to idealization when things are good, and then devalue which makes you the bad person in his eyes with even the tiniest of things). I know everyone would say "oh just leave him, you deserve better" but it's not as easy as that. (You should leave him because he is not going to change, he will keep treating you like this). He is the only person I've got and I'm super scared of losing that but I don't like the way he treats me sometimes. (You are letting him treat you this way without standing up for yourself and setting boundaries). I don't have anyone to turn to and I'm so tired of crying and being upset all the time. Can anyone offer me any advice?

@KJ001

I'll give you advice but I'll be brutally honest.

I've been in abusive relationships, incluiding distance ones. And I'll be honest that isn't love honey. Maybe from you it is. I can see you love him with all your heart BUT he doesn't. A person that goes out of their way being agressive and verbally and mentally abusive when things don't go their way is a piece of shit. I used to be like you and trust me is a very dangerous and dark road. He is a prime example of a toxic partner. Because I'm worried about you my advice is to leave that relationship as soon as you can. People like him always guilt trip you. No matter what you do, happy times will be a facade for bad ones. He'll always guilt trip you and trust me people like that don't change, because they don't even aknowledge how cruel they are.

Break up with him. If you want to be happy and mentally healthy, finish that relationship and move on.

I know is scary to think about but realise this: your only source of "happiness" is him. Is why you're scared to leave. He's the only person around right. But he's also a lie. He just feeds you pain. Might aswell be alone!!

Try to make friends darling. Go anywhere you can and comunicate with people but PLEASE don't "sleep" your entire life away in such a bad relationship. In the long term you'll really regret not leaving...

I'm sending you alot of love and please consider my words. Really worried about you..

Just stay away from toxic people and put yourself first!