Is this cheating? What should I do?

This is a very complicated situation i can see why u dont know how to handle it. To start off , don't think that i am being too harsh but yes, it is cheating.For girls ,it is sometimes emotional imaturity, or disatisfaction in love ,that drives them to do spontaneous things with other men,no matter if they will regret it later.

There is such a thing as a self-sabotage and she might have done this knowing that it will have consequences , and have to deal with her relationship being in danger.

The excuse she gave u for all of this was money.Well people have gone completely broke, and have managed to get jobs, get payed for projects, get paid for a series of things that dont involve "hook-ups". i am very much sure this was not the real reason,that this was her choice, she probably ,even subconsciously, know this might lead to flirting, or more. i have personally done a lot of reckless things from very emotional reasons, but there is an instinct that tells you when you have crossed the point of no return. I feel sorry for her if she really was naive enough not to see it coming, but i dont know her, you do.

And you can answer this.did she act out some sort of scenario her mind was fantasising about? did she feel like pushing you away by doing something she knew was reason enough to break up? And , (this is the important one) you have been supportive, and been through all of this stuff, is this what you want for youreself? forgiving , is one thing,but if you are still going to be there for each other,this has to stop, there has to be trust, there has to be a real discution, there has to be no room for betrayal, emotional or otherwise.Everyone gets to make one giant mistake, but if there is more than one, it is a pattern.

@sincereClementine9916

Hey there, hopefully things are going well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

This is a very complicated situation, and I urge you to try to be as understanding as possible. I have a girlfriend who I've been with for about half a year now which isn't long but we did experience a lot together due to her depression and anxiety. (The depression and anxiety might cause problems in the relationships because this probably has to do with things from each other past, so it'll trigger a lot during certain times). 3 months into our relationship she attempted suicide. After hospital treatment, medication, etc. she was seeing improvement. (Attemping suicide within three months of the relationship its something that hard to deal with, it seems like she was going through heavy issues at the moment). Despite everything, our relationship was still good. Her biggest issue that heavily influences what happens is a lack of self worth; she believes she's a burden to everyone and we all would be better of if she died. (This is a problem here...the way she sees herself, what she thinks of herself, and how she thinks of what others may think has to do with low self esteem, deep depression, lack of self worth, and its not coming from someone whos is secure and confident, so at times she will bring those kind of statements when theres an argument, disagreement, and other situation. She is not ready to be on a relationship yet).

She recently admitted something she did 3 months ago. When she was at her breaking point, she met up with a much older man to receive payment for meeting up with her. ( A meetup with an older man to receive a payment for meeting up with her, that sounds fishy because she is on a relationship with you, so she shouldn't be doing these kind of things, its even more suspicious that she did it behind your back. More than likely she was afraid to lose you so she kept it to herself throughout all this time, it was devious). She said she felt like a financial burden to her parents at the time and wanted to make money. (This is not a way to make money specially when she is on a relationship). She claims she thought the man only wanted company (I struggle here the most because it's obvious hookups are hookups.) He took her to his apartment and they watched TV until he began to initiate intimate acts such as kissing and groping which caught her off guard. However, she never called it off because she felt "stuck." He didn't rape her but she never stopped him completely. (She has a boyfriend and is doing these kind of things. If loyalty was very important she wouldn't have enter the apartment with him, and also she would have try to ahtleast fight it as well)/ She didn't want to "upset" him because he paid. As far as I know, there was no intercourse but she gave him a handjob. She says she wished he had killed her. (She is distorting reality here, she didn't want to make him upset, but she gave him that, thats actually cheating on you, and then the way she said "i wished he had killled me" was a way to feel as the victim. The truth is that she shouldn't have gotten that far with him, she has now broken your trust, and it wouldn't surprise me if you are thinking she is hiding more things. A woman who is secured and confident would never do this because she highly values her boyfriend and would not do anything like this).
Now our relationship is in danger because I'm very angry with this whole situation, and she is struggling a lot with guilt. (I don't blame you for feeling angry and hurt, you were betrayed nad lied by her. The thing is that she can't be trusted after what she did to you, she practically did this behind your back). I don't know what to do. (If she kept something hidden like this then who knows what other things she has not tell you). I still love her immensely and I do not want to break up. (I could understand you love her, she is precious to you, however she acted devious and practically cheated on you, kept all of this hidden from you. You would want to be with a woman who will not cheat, who will be honest and will not do the things she is doing). But i'm struggling with how to cope because I wake up/go to sleep everyday with that encounter on my mind. I can't believe I was oblivious to it for months. I really don't know what to do. (You shouldn't blame yourself for not knowing, you had a different image of her, of someone who will tell you the truth and not do any of this. The thing you are suffering, going through hurt, and feeling betrated. You also have to think of the severity of what she did, a woman with a healthy self esteem and love will never do this). Is it cheating? (yes it is cheating, she acted on a sexual act). How can I cope? What would you do? (You can't be with a person who would do this to you, you didn't deserve the way she acted on a sexual act with him, how she enter his apartment, its just communicates a total disrespect to the relationship you have with her. The trust has been broken, and its almost impossible to feel safe that she won't do this again)

@sincereClementine9916

Hey there :)

I understand that you must be very confused and full of anger now. It's very normal, because what she has just told you must feel like a bomb to you. What she did wasn't right, although she's trying to justify her actions with her low self-esteem. However, what is important to you is this happened such a long time ago, and she could have just hide it forever. But no, she decided to tell you by herself, and that takes a lot a lot of courage for her. I'm not saying you need to forgive her, but you should at least understand the trouble she went through to tell you when she could have kept on avoiding it.

It must have been painful for her, and it must be really painful for both of you now. You should think of what's really important to you. After talking to her about this, can you forgive her? My boyfriend once cheated on me, and I chose to forget it and stay in this relationship. It's hard to forget but, if you really do like being with her, then you can consider this option.

Talk to her, and try to understand her. If you really need to leave her at the end, make sure you cut it clean and leave her at a stable state :)

If there's anyone else out there that could help before this thread gets buried, I'd really appreciate it. I'm getting better but improvement is slow and some days I slip up and backtrack a little. Today is one of those days, and I could use anyone's advice. Thank you.