I was ghosted - now I can't stop crying
I recently ended a five-year relationship where I was engaged - it sounds like a big deal but it's important to point out it was long-distance so I only saw my fiance two weeks every six months, he wasn't very affectionate either so I may as well have been single for five years.
My therapist encouraged me to consider dating apps just to meet new people - I'm very socially isolated with close to no friends and struggling to meet new people - it was anxiety inducing, I only managed to briefly talk to two people but then there was third guy...
This guy was exactly what I'd look for in a guy and we hit it off , he was full-on from the start and after a week of texting every day we went on a date - the date was AMAZING, we clicked, we had so much in common, his body language showed he was clearly into me, there was physical contact and long gazes, there was hand-holding and kisses, it all went so well. I'm Autistic so socially very awkward, for me to get on with someone is a big deal, for this date to go so well by anyones standard is a big deal but for me it's one in a million.
Texting continued for a few days, he did ask me to go hang out at his but I already had plans so he agreed to come up with another idea and maybe not as his as he was concerned I might feel comfortable going to his so early in the relationship. Throughout our daily text messages he was affectionate, he said he'd not be easily scared off, also he was talking like he was thinking about us in the future and like he saw this continuing. There was a small incident when I took something he said wrong, I thought he was implying I was slutty so I put him straight and he apologized, he said he wanted to keep talking. The next day he was busy but still found time to text me as normal...but the day after that he stopped texting all together. I sent him a casual text the following day but still heard nothing from him.
I had my therapist read through the texts and agrees that I did nothing wrong, the guy was clearly talking like he was interested and there was no indication he was going off me, but it's been a week with nothing from him. I've sent him a last message saying I liked him and wanted to continue but if he didn't then no hard feelings, he's still actively ignored me and tonight I've noticed him back on the dating site.
IT WAS ONLY ONE DATE.
I shouldn't be this upset and I feel ridiculous for being upset, for allowing myself to get so excited and hopeful over this guy just to get myself hurt. I'm Autistic so socially awkward and it's rare I find someone I make a connection with, so for this date to have gone so well and to feel so comfortable with him is a one-in-a-million thing for me, he ticked so many boxes for what I look for in a guy and he seemed so completely genuine in how much he liked me - it sounds silly after one date but I was hoping this was 'The One', I know this is ridiculous but isn't that just how it goes when you meet 'The One' that it does feel so right? It's not like this is the first relationship I've had, I've had casual and long-term relationships in the past, this really felt like something special and he very much seemed to be on the same page - this isn't just my perspective either, my friend and my therapist agree that how he was talking it was clear he was very interested.
I wasn't even really looking to date but to have such an unexpectedly great guy and such a great date happen right off the bat has me worried that the standard has now been set impossibly high, also of course I'm not sure how to trust guys after this experience.
I feel suffocated by how sad I feel, I just keep crying.
I feel ridiculous and erotic in being so upset, it's not like me at all.
I feel sick of guys saying they like me, but then my being so easy to walk away from.
I feel upset not knowing what happened, it's not my fault...but I'm sad, mad, and confused.
I don't know how to make myself feel better.
All I want is someone to hold me but I don't have that. I've no friends to support me, I'm unemployed so my options for doing something fun or buying myself something a treat to cheer myself up isn't an option, I do the usual self-care type things people suggest for depression like going to the gym or on long walks...but right NOW I feel suffocated by how sad I am, I don't know how to fix how I feel.
@Kasha2000
Edit:
"Texting continued for a few days, he did ask me to go hang out at his but I already had plans so he agreed to come up with another idea and maybe not at his as he was concerned I might feel uncomfortable going to his so early in the relationship." (important to point out he did ask to see me a second time, also to stress that he didn't come across as just wanting sex - there were no red flags with him at all)
@Kasha2000
im sorry to hear that you are going through this heart break! Guys can be so confusing !
I find it strange that your therapist suggested for you to use dating apps. I'm no therapist but even that sounds not quite right. Dating apps are usually geared toward short flings, not necessarily commitment. I'd expect a therapist to reccommend things like getting involved in volunteering or something benign like that. I mean of course I don't know your full situation, but you did mention not really having friends and I would expect a therapist to be more focused on that than getting you with some random guy on off a dating app.
And idk I'm not exactly good at being comforting, I've been affected by people ("friends") leaving me so many times too. Over time I just kinda gained enough self respect to not put myself through that. If they don't put in equal effort and care, then they're not worth my effort and care. And I became less desperate.
It sounds like your therapist wants you to be dependent on guys. It just sounds so wrong to me. And maybe I'm reading into it wrong, but that's just how it sounds.
@Phthalo
With all due respect I came here looking for support, if you're no good at comforting then maybe don't reply just to criticize my therapist.
For the record my therapist has been recommending likes of volunteering and encouraging me to make friends in other ways, but my therapist is also aware I'm looking for a relationship so dating is an option both to help me potentially find a partner AND to help me meet new people - to get me interacting with people so I don't feel so isolated, as I feel better when around people, and to work on anxiety.
@Kasha2000
I have read similar advice in relationship books. Dating apps can be a great way to meet people; it's up to YOU whether or not you have a "fling" with them or not. I think your therapist had a good idea and I applaud you for giving it a try, since online dating is very intimidating and anxiety-inducing.
@Kasha2000
Hi. Its really hard to lose a potential relationship that you were really excited about and wanted to see what the future held. I am not sure about the "One" and my thoughts and feelings on that but I do know sometimes we really click with some people and not so much others. When we do find the people we click with its hard when they exit our lives so abruptly. I think working with your therapist through some of these tough feelings youre having will be very helpful. As will all loss, time and healthy thinking will help you heal and move forward.
@Kasha2000
I'm sorry that people can be so careless with the time, feelings, and hope of others. I spent quite some time using a dating app and had a few similar experiences after coming out of a long emotionally abusive relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with your therapist encouraging using the dating apps; I've actually found a few friends that way and not everyone was looking for sex or dates, and using the app and chatting with people online first helped a little so I can see how it's not really a bad thing to use one. After a long time of being alone or in an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship, finding someone we click with can feel like an oasis in the middle of a desert. Especially perhaps since we may not expect so much from online dating, or relationships in general at this point, finding someone actually interesting, interested and easy to talk to can be intoxicating. Unfortunately, no matter the signs and lack of flags, we can never truly guess at the depths of what another person is thinking, what they want, who they truly are - especially over text and one meeting, though it sometimes really feels that way. Some people can naturally act or come off as very inviting, open, caring etc while not necessarily feeling those things on a deeper level. I'm an introvert and socially anxious so I can't ever muster up any warm behaviour towards people I don't actually truly like or care about, and when I do, then I'm really really feeling those things.
You certainly did nothing wrong, as you already know, and it's incredibly unfair that those of us who feel deeper or have a harder time meeting people can be at the mercy of others' whims. This makes it even harder and seemingly impossible at times, to trust and find someone else who will live up to our expectations and to their own potential, but we are in charge of our own futures and are always capable of loving and being loved, if we let ourselves. There will always be disappointment, but you are not alone in these feelings and experiences, and whether it's by finding someone new or self-care and independence, you will get to a place where this won't hurt anymore and will having a balanced and fulfilling time. Most of the time, we can't simply 'fix' ourselves or our feelings, and a lot of the time, there's nothing to 'fix' - you are not/will not remain broken because of a careless person. It will take some time, but it's about growth and healing, and you are already aware of self-care routines and I am sure you'll get through this. You've also reached out and posted on a forum which is great, and I hope you'll be able to find a listener here who can offer you extra support, and that your therapist will continue being a helpful guide.