Marriage on the Rocks
Hello, all.
I’ve never been one to really express myself. I keep a lot inside, but ever since my wife cheated on me and we’ve been talking about it, the flood gates have opened. This will be a long post, so please bear with me, and thank you from the bottom of my heart if you take the time to read all of it. I just need someone to talk to and for somebody to know what happened.
To start, I want to let you know that my wife has been transparent every step of the way. She told me over a month ago that she was developing feelings for another guy and that it scared her. It’s somebody who works with her. We talked about it but nothing was resolved. The times that she hung out with him were just friendly at first. I really really wish that I could have stopped her and told her no, but I KNEW that she would resent me if I said no and “forbid” it. I trusted her, despite knowing her feelings.
So, about 3-4 days ago, she said that they were going out to lunch and then watching Disney+ at our apartment. Every fiber of my being was on edge all day (I was at work), and I wanted more than NOTHING to stop it. Honestly her and I had such a nice emotional connection the night before that I thought nothing would happen. You wouldn’t believe how arrogant I can be. When I came home, I found her on our couch…. In the dark. I always greet her with a kiss but when I leaned in, she whispered “don’t kiss me.”
After I stopped crying, she told me what happened between them. They didn’t have sex or anything. Just kissing and cuddling on the couch while watching the movie. This hurt me more than anything in the whole world. My trust had been shattered, and my whole body was shaking. I had no words at the moment, just shock. We talked about it all throughout the night.
The thing that stabbed my heart with a dagger was that she no longer wanted to be with me. She did express several times throughout our relationship that she wasn’t happen. I think back now and I feel like SUCH an idiot for not repairing and working on things sooner. I failed to mention earlier that I tried so hard during the time she told me she had feelings for him. I bought her flowers, I made her dessert, I told her how much I loved and appreciated her. That’s not enough though. Her love language is quality time, and I wasn’t giving her that. Now, she’s talking with a guy who is being vulnerable with her and showing her attention. I wasn’t doing that, I’ll admit it. Like I said I have such a hard time expressing myself and wasn’t giving her what she needed.
I wasn’t listening, but I’m listening now. She says that it’s too late. Even though she cheated, I want more than ANYTHING to continue our marriage. I want us to get past this and to grow as a couple. She’s staying at her parents for now. We had such a nice conversation before she left last night. I still have a tiny sliver of hope. However, she said that she’s not willing to work on us right now. That’s what hurts most. I can’t stop thinking of how I could have prevented all of this if I had just listened.
I don’t want you to think badly of her. The blame isn’t all on her. I’m a contributing factor. I harbor no hate for her nor do I for the guy she cheated on me with. I just want her to be happy, but to be honest, I’m not ready to let her go. I really, truly believe that things can be fixed.
So, I guess I’m looking for some advice and for someone to talk to. I haven’t told my friends and family and probably won’t until we know for sure that we’re ending our relationship.
Again thank you so much if you read this far and decided to take a minute. It means more than anything to me 🙂
@emotionalCake6474
I wish i knew what to say to help you....... i am a wife like yours ......
i tried to tell spouse when things were going downhill fast .......... i begged him to listen and do something back then ........he bought things ..i did not want / need or even like ... but he TOLD me i did, is clueless he says to what went wrong ....... because he took me for granted and openly mocked me when i said i felt alone while he was in the room. we cannot turn back time but for ALL people reading if your partner is missing something ...... a need to have quality time / or what ever their preference in love language or what ever DO it ........make time/ do not substitute with something else.
Do not kick it down the road and say we will address that after some other thing in life is over or done cause those ALWAYS pop up .......and sooner or later a person will find a way to fill what is missing ........i really do not know if things can be fixed from this side i do NOT think so i lost any feelings i had been keeping alive by myself and have no attraction to him .........as for the other guy/ girl in these scenarios they most likely are not the reason but a very very notable symptom of a marriage in a death spiral.
@emotionalCake6474
Sorry to hear you're going through that.
I'm someone who was cheated on by his ex-wife and made plenty of sacrifices in order to marry her as I'm sure you have.
These scenarios trigger me in the sense that people don't seem to understand how serious marriage is or at least should be, and also what it means. It's more than just developing feelings for someone, but also the commitment to one another to build something beyond just the ordinary lives you two would have if you were otherwise single. I don't get the sense that she understands this.
At the same time, I do see myself in you in the sense, that in the aftermath of things, I wanted her to be happy. However, two years have gone by, and I don't seem to see the correlation anymore between these actions, which resemble nothing more than a pursuit of what seems to be a superficial hedonism, and also she seemed to disrespect tremendously the bond you two have. It may sound harsh, but I say that one of the things I've learned is that you shouldn't be so complacent or deploy excess compassion for the sake of looking kind.
What she did was not okay, it can't be okay, and it will never be okay, and I don't feel anyone should accept being in a marriage under any conditions that promote such disrespect. If she's not willing to work on your marriage right now, which obviously means she doesn't care about it, then I believe there's no reason why you shouldn't move on, also out of respect for yourself.
You'll bounce back, and deserve much better, just like I know I also do.
Cheers.
Going through a similar situation and can relate to the hurt and feeling like an idiot. Whatever you’re feeling is okay. You seem like a very open-minded person and it’s kind of you to share the responsibility, but my own personal opinion is that it does not justify the behavior. I hope that you and your wife can work through this together and find healing and forgiveness together.
I want to thank every single one of you for your kind and loving words. I appreciate the feedback and support.
We have officially decided to stop trying. I am exhausted and no longer willing to fight for something that’s not going to happen. I still love her very much and it will take time to heal.
Now that her and I are on the same page, the healing process can finally begin.
@emotionalCake6474,
it's a shame though that people stop communicating.
Being unhappy and not really talk about it, created a rift that only grows.
It is nice of you to admit you made mistakes. We all do, we are only human.
Unfortunately, people are often perceived for how they act or not act, not for who we truly are. And then we go soul searching, looking for support elsewhere.
What she did was very irresponsible, inviting him over to your place while you were working. Very inconsiderate. Yet it is how people act at times when they are emotionally driven and confused.
As they say, if it is meant to be it will be.
Focus on you, be kind and gentle to you. And be kind to her, she never wanted any of this.