Married at 26, considering divorce at 28
Hi everyone, Im 28 years old. I married my best friend when I was 26. We have all the ingredients of a partnership and a very deep friendship. But now I am realizing that its truly a deep friendship the butterflies have been dead possibly from the beginning or never existed but we had such a strong connection in values, hobbies, interests and general life goals that we ignored the fact romance and passion wasnt an ingredient in our relationship. He is more into me than I am into him. I find myself at a place now in which I feel guilty and sad 24/7. I feel trapped because I promised to love him forever but I dont feel fulfilled and I miss feeling affection .. I have myself convinced that having a relationship that has both ingredients is nearly impossible? Could I ever find someone who could love me and who I trust and who I get along with so well but also have a desire sexually and romantically for? I met my husband when I was 20, we have been together nearly 8 years and married for 1.5 years. Anyone out there with some advice for me? Ive felt unhappy and confused since 2-3 months after being married... I dont know why I never noticed until it was too late? Now Im stuck? I dont want to hurt anyone..
@tragickitty
First of all thanks for writing and sharing a bit about how things are. I hope things work out for you and you make a decision that best works for you. I know that marriage takes a lot of work. Have you thought of ways how you could fall in love with him again?
It seems like you feel upset and bad about yourself about having these thoughts but that is okay. It is brave that you share them. Read once that a marriage that is successful requires you to fall in love many times with the same person.
Well, I guess you are thinking about whether to stay or to leave or perhaps just to talk about it. So, hope you get to do that.
Will message you!
@tragickitty
It's been a while since you posted. How are you doing now? I'm a little bit younger than you but I face very similar struggles.
@Atsumiko I am divorced now.. I am trying to now find my own path. Somedays are harder than others. Somedays I feel confused and wonder why I got a divorce but then I think more about it and ask myself what would make me happy... and the answer to that question is true and deep emotional, affectionate love with someone I also like as a friend. My ex husband was almost everything I wanted in a husband. He is kind,caring, funny and easy going. He would do anything for anyone and is truly selfless and a truly good person. The issue is that we had a wonderful companionship, but our affection and romance was nearly none existent and I started to have desires to find more affection and romance. He was convinced that we could repair our relationship but I was convinced we could not and ultimately we got a divorce. I am now just moving into my new home and it's lonely and sometimes sad. Somedays I really don't know what my purpose is and what I am looking for in life. I need to really look within and create my own independent path which I never had before. I was young when I met my husband and I floated along with him and followed his path. Now I am forced to reflect and find out who I am on my own two feet. It is terrifying and liberating at the same time.
@tragickitty I feel you so much... You deserve to be happy and I hope you will find fulfilling love one day. I believe that it's more important how you feel with that person, than the fact that it's objectively good human - kind, carring or whatever, like you said.
Your posts have strengthened me and helped me know others have gone through the same things I am going through. I’ve been married 16 years and about to decide on divorce for the same reasons as you: I need deep connection. I have a question for you—even though being divorced is a hard adjustment, do you feel like it’s worth it and that now you are finally living truthfully with your feelings? That’s what I hope to accomplish by getting a divorce—no longer pretending to love him as much as he loves me because I can’t do that anymore.