"Men always come back" rhetoric hurts so much when they don't :(

@LenHeart I understand why you think your ex-partner not coming back means you weren’t enough. Growing up, I learned that keeping people around meant being the person they wanted me to be, so I always presented myself as I thought others wanted. When people returned to me, I felt accomplished because I believed it meant I had succeeded—I was everything the other person wanted me to be, a good enough girlfriend to remain in their life.

@LenHeart

Well, I have been a man for a few decades, and I have been in several relationships, but I _never_ came back to any person. Maybe that was due to the fact that I had always tried to save my relationships, and walked away only if the situation was really hopeless (I mean it as all the odds were against us, not as anybody's "fault").

I have been chasing an avoidant style person (myself being a clingy type), and I failed, too. Now, in twenty-twenty hindsight, I think it had been a hopeless case since the day we met. Though it lasted a few months and I kept some really good memories, even though that relationship finally proved to lead to nowhere...

And, yes, I believe you might be right by pointing out that people often return to the relationships which are toxic or abusive. Maybe it is due to the fact that healthy people grow emotionally and mentally, and even if they start again with the same person—it's different.

How would you feel if the myth that "men always come back" could be replaced with some more positive "when one door shuts, another opens"? 😊 

@LenHeart Hey there, I too have been going through the same roller coaster of pain and just sadness. I find it funny how similar our timelines are too, as it was also last spring that my person and I broke up and completely stopped talking. I'm actually going to write about this in a bit and post it; it's the first time I've logged into 7cups after a while. Many life changes since then, and hopefully many more (better ones) to come. 

I'm sad to say I don't have the answer you're looking for. I think we may just be going through the grieving process. Because of just how deeply we cared for these people who left us, and how much we loved them, perhaps the grieving process will be tenfold the love we gave. That's something I'm trying to come to terms with and understand. Which has only made loving even scarier, because christ am I a lover girl. BOY do I love to love. I think for us the road ahead will be very long, and with many, many more bumps we can't see from here. I'm just like you, anxious and clingy when they seemed to shift and were suddenly acting like a different person. My ex and I had a connection I had never experienced before. I really am shocked at how he just suddenly did not love me. To this day I fail to understand his behavior despite my friends being able to see so clearly. I think despite what other people say, it was OUR relationship, it was your love, so you get to say if it was real love or not. For me, this has helped to honor our history and somewhat move on, but the sadness has come in waves for me. When it gets bad, I know it will get good again, but then I know it will get bad again. Grief has been anything but linear for me. My ex was the first person who ever made me feel seen and safe, like truly safe, and truly loved. I showed him my most real self, the self only I have ever seen, and that's how he fell in love. But for some unknown reason he fell out of love with me. Coincidentally, he fell out of love as I was just starting to really fall in love with him. Our timing was not parallel, so I really believe we were a case of "right people, wrong time" and my god, is it just the most devastating tragedy of all. Knowing you are truly compatible and capable of experiencing a deep love and rare spark with someone, but your lives never align how they should for you both to be happy together. It feels like I was born in the wrong body, sometimes, or like I was born in the wrong place/time. It has been a little over a year for me too now that we last spoke, and in that year, I tried many, many times to talk to him, but he never came back to me. Not once. I thought I'd be way over him by now, but today served as proof I'm not, as I overheard some of my colleagues talking about their boyfriends and how well they treat them and how much effort they put into getting to know them, and I wanted to leave the room and cry as I felt anger boiling up inside me hearing this conversation, because I remembered I no longer have that person in my life, but he was just like that once, too. I don't know if I'll ever be understood by someone else the way I felt understood by him. We're both deeply sensitive to practically everything. He was the sweetest man I have ever met, yet left me and discarded me in the most cruel way possible. I just wish him well because I know this world is hard on him. Even if he doesn't like me anymore. I still wish him well because a lot of people don't believe in him for reasons that don't look good on paper, but I always believed in him. He just needed someone to believe in him and understand him, because I know that he's deeply misunderstood. I actually recently found out he's already in another relationship. So I'm happy for him if he's with someone who makes him happy in a way I just couldn't.

I know it doesn't fix things but I'm sorry for the pain , hurt , confusion , all of it, you're going through.

You are worthy of love . You are deserving of love.

It just did not work out this time and that's not on you it's on them. They just didn't have the capacity to. You showed up you made the effort and I'm sure they recognized it but it was too much for them to handle not that you were too much.

It will take time and grieving what you lost not what you had but what you thought you and him were going to be is hard. Some days it will be one step forward and a fall down the stairs back.

You have closure . Block him on everything. Do not reach out I does not help.

I'm going through it and it does get better . It may leave scars for life but that's ok.

Be kind to yourself. Take care. Reach out if need be.